A new me! (2)

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bondagette
Posted by bondagette on Mon 1 Sep 08, 1:22 PM

Time has crawled this year, and I'm eagerly awaiting the start of 2009. A few months ago, I thought the year 2008 had it in for me. A year that full of depression, one of the worst break ups in history, loosing my first ever real home, trying to OD, having to put my degree on hold- the list goes on and on! However, over the summer, my view of the year has started to change. Ok… so many negative things have happened- but I can't pretend ONLY negative things have occurred.

This year has also been a huge success. I've started counselling to learn how to live with my past… for me that was a brave step. I moved into a house with eight strangers, and have come away with eight fantastic new friends. I've gained a lot of self strength, I've been far more sociable, I've gained confidence and most importantly of all- I've learnt how supportive my real friends and family are.

Maybe when you invest too much in a relationship, you have to compromise so much of yourself that you forget who you really are. Maybe it's possible to love too much and loose all grip of reality. Maybe the person you love is the person you needed least.

Since the beginning of the year, I feel I've been on a journey to re-discover myself and assess how the past has shaped me. Only recently I decided to meet with an ex partner, who broke up with me when I was eighteen. I had no motive for meeting him; I was just curious to see how much he too had changed in he last three and a half years. My ex partner also had a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts. There had been times where we had both supported each other, but always from a safe distance. I'm so glad I went to see him, as we both recognised how far the other had come, and instead of reminiscing about the past, we both compared our hopes for the future and found comfort in each others success.

Now I know I'm not ready for a relationship. Well, I say not ready- but to be honest it's more a lack of interest. I've always been pretty moralistic but now I want to have fun, I want to live without ties whilst I'm young. I knew I didn't try and escape to my ex partner because I felt lonely or needy- I went to prove to myself that people can grow and change for the better despite any troubles they've had in their past. I spent 3 days laughing, chatting and feeling the most relaxed I have all year. I don't know if we'll meet again- it doesn't matter.

Similarly, when I was in Australia I met a man called Beau. He was gorgeous, friendly, laid back. I never expected anything to happen, but one night we bonded over our pasts, shared stories under the stars and ended up in bed together. I was surprised how a virtual stranger can become so tender towards you, but it didn't make me uncomfortable, it made me feel at peace. It was some of the most amazing sex I've ever had, because the situation was so unlike anything that I'd done before. I felt as though I was his equal- and not as though I'd made a lucky break. I felt fully deserving and the most confident I've felt within myself for years.

It's such a relief to have a break from the intense, over analytical, depressed me. I'm learning to love my new adventurous, footloose and fancy free me. I think sometimes I forget I'm only 21- and have so much living to do. I'll never regret the past, but I hope I will always continue to learn from it, so I never make the same mistakes again.

Replies

1 Sep 08, 2:09 PM
DomRoss
UK(EH), 3 yrs
I'm so glad you have worked out the positives that exist in your life... When someone is feeling down they usually don't dwell on the positive aspects of their lives and only dwell on the negative, and while our pasts will shape our futures our personalities have a big say in that to.
As one so young then you are right to take a time out and just have some fun, life is not all about finding a partner as all to often that partner then becomes the centre of your universe and you are unable to see what YOU want and need, as you think that your happiness and what makes you happy is the same as what makes them happy, this is just not the case.
I am aware i have said 'you' a lot and i do apologise for that, lets face it i don't know you, i use that word in this entry to encompass all that it means something to.
I hope the latter end of your year is better than the beginning.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright

2 Sep 08, 7:28 AM
Snowblind
UK(B), 6 yrs
You don't know me from Adam, but you publicly posted this and I just wanted to say that having read it. It's good to see that you have emotionally brought things round to a positive perspective.
I can't even imagine how the bad times have felt for you but I am a believer in every part of our lives making us who we are. Good luck for the future.
The beatings will continue, until morale improves!


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