Hate (3)

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bondagette
Posted by bondagette on Tue 20 May 08, 7:02 PM

So…I was advised to learn to deal with anger. I've never been able to express anger as an emotion. I keep it all inside me and usually turn it round on myself. I hate confrontations so I avoid them, and store up emotions and feelings that I never get to express. I never get to say what I want.

So here's my rant… here's years of pent up feelings. Here's what I hide from everyone:

• I hate the guy who raped me. I hate him for stealing my virginity, for making me feel dirty, humiliated and ashamed for years. I hate him for making me hide the truth from my parents, and for feeling that I couldn't go to the people I loved for support. I hate the effect he's had on my family, on my mental state and for causing me so many issues that I still can't deal with. I hate him for making me unable to trust people.

• I hate my friends for letting me down at the time I needed them the most. I hate them for choosing to gossip and spread rumours rather than comforting me and helping me to get through the worst ordeal of my life. I hate that I can never be able to understand their actions. I hate them for preventing me from becoming close to another group of people.

• I hate the people at university who distanced themselves from me because they knew I had baggage. I hate them for bullying me because I didn't want to give into the peer pressure of drinking myself unconscious every night, or taking drugs.

• I hate the way my ex boyfriend treated me. I hate that he lies and refuses to see the effect he's had on me and my family. I hate the finical mess he's got us all into, I hate the way that thanks to him my Mum's MS has got worse, my Dad finds it hard to deal with his little girl being broken. I hate him for breaking all his promises to me. I hate him for making me finally trust him, when he was the person who had the power to cause me the most pain… and did. I hate that he judges me and refuses to accept the consequences of his actions. I hate that he blames me for the way his life has turned on, that he belittles me, makes me feel worthless and acts as though the best two years of my life meant nothing to him. I hate him because I feel in love with him. I hate him because he never understood me. I hate because I invested two years into making him happy, and it was all a waste. I hate that I'll never be able to trust another man again. I hate him for breaking my heart, forcing me out of the home I set up, for causing me to re-take a year of university, for putting my life on hold. I hate him for making me give up on life, love and hope.

• Finally, I hate myself for not being able to move on from the past. I hate myself for being so weak that my biggest desire is to die, and leave this world behind. Because there has to be something better than this. I hate that I can't stop crying and hurting. I hate myself for being ill, for being a burden to my parents, for not being good enough for the man I loved. I hate myself for being raped. I hate myself for hiding behind weight now, so that I'll never be raped again. I hate myself so much more than anyone else I hate.

But most of all... I hate hating.

Replies

20 May 08, 7:29 PM
Jezzebelle
UK, 7 yrs
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I genuinely want you to think about what I write...
What is in the past you can't change, it's happened, it may have repercussions on your present but it doesn't have to affect your future.
You need to try to let go of the hate, the bad stuff in the past. I do empathise with your hurt, I was a virgin when I was raped. I have been let down severely by more than one man though the worst left me pregnant and denied being my daughters father.
You need to try to let go of the 'hate', the anger for two reasons, if you don't 'they' win, the affect your life forever. Secondly if you don't then you will only hurt yourself more, hate is an emotion that makes us bitter and twisted, it warps our perspective and makes us into someone we don't like.
The way I start to let go is to write down the names of those who have hurt me and how they did it and then burn each one separately. As each one burns breath deeply and think about giving up a little part of that anger, watch it burn and allow your anger to evaporate as the smoke rises and the fire consumes. Tell yourself you will not allow what they have done to ruin your future, that they no longer have control over you.
It's a simple thing that may sound silly, but I know many who do it and it can be a good start.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jezzebelle/
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement

24 May 08, 1:19 AM
Cinnabar
UK(CH), 3 yrs I have seen your profile elsewhere in the past and wondered a little. I hope you can find some solace and friendship here. This must have taken a lot of courage to write.
As a man I cannot share your experience beyond a certain point, but I have been to dark places where stillness seems an impossible aspiration, let alone light. And I know how the weight of guilt
But time heals, at least to an extent. It can spin a circle of context that you least expect. To endure is also to win, to change that context. Writing this post might help you, I hope it does.
And it is plain that you are loved and full of unhate too.
C
seeking the ordinary and the extraordinary

24 May 08, 8:52 AM
Doctor_J
UK, 8 mths
These are very strong feelings. Sharing them can help you. It also helps others. So well done for sharing something so close to your soul.
I feel for you, I really do. I can't say I understand you fully, as this simply wouldn't be true - but take each day as it comes and try not to look back.
People say time is the greatest healer - I found it doesn't make any difference, all that changes is how it affects you.
What I do understand is that you probably exposed your deepest soul to your x, and thats what makes it so hard for you now. I think we all get burned at some point and are never the same again - certainly never give yourself in such a way again. The deeper you love, the more it will hurt and that's just the way it is.
I wish I could talk to you - but also know you probably just feel you can't trust anyone. So be positive - your life starts here ---->
x


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