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IC : Weblogs : alexandraa : "The Holy Grail of Power Exchange"
The Holy Grail of Power Exchange (7)
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Posted by alexandraa on Thu 21 Aug 08, 5:11 PM
There are a few things of late that have got me thinking. Meeting up with old friends from the BDSM Community, looking at how our relationships have developed over the years, seeing how people have settled into their lives and found a way to integrate their BDSM fantasies with reality. It's really interesting to see how different people work that out as their relationships mature and experiences turn fantasy into reality.
Anyway all this thinking brought me back to my old chestnut of how safe is power exchange. While we might talk within the BDSM community of all kinds of issues around SM and Edge play, safe practices and techniques, how rare is the discussion on power exchange and the safeness (or danger) within that? Where are the workshops on safe power exchange? Plenty to tell you how to bind, beat and cut someone safely. But how to avoid screwing up your submissive's mind? We don't seem to talk about that do we?
I feel there is to some extent a general confusion and misunderstanding around power exchange. People confusing long term submission, mental and emotional, with the more purely physical submission you might experience during a SM session, or feeling sure they are in power exchange relationships yet quite clearly behaving to the contrary. Lack of understanding and or experience perhaps, or simply people's definitions differ or role play becomes described as lifestyle etc etc.
One thing I know, when you have power exchange, total power exchange, in your heart and soul, your mind and body, you have no choices. You have mentally and emotionally committed yourself to one person in such a way that you have no choices left. People might be able to say, oh you can always walk away, you can make a choice, you give your “gift of submission” but you can take it away again. Those people, they haven't been there and don't understand.
At the point of reaching a relationship of total power exchange, you can't take it away again, you can't refuse your dominant anything, you won't say no to anything. You have committed yourself and your trust extends to such a degree your absolute belief is your dominant is all wise, all knowing, all powerful and quite simply is better able to take care of you than you are able to take care of yourself. You have given yourself to them with complete abandon and total trust. You revel and celebrate that. You would do absolutely anything to please them and die of shame at disappointing them. You have found the Holy Grail of Ds.
So easy to get swept into that, once you find the person who thrills you to your toes. You give your whole to meet their needs and demands. All that becomes important to you, is their happiness, their pleasure, doing what they want and ask, so your every move and choice becomes focussed on them. Isn't this what we strive for? Yearn for and seek??
Having been there and done that, and absolutely adored every single minute of the years of it, I can still quite happily say I would pick it all up again, bite it, swallow it, roll in it, give myself without a blink. It's so……. compelling, absorbing, addictive, delightful, insidious……… and utterly dangerous. I can say with my hand on my heart I actually think that place is a mentally unhealthy place to be. I am glad that events conspired (cuh! No really I'm glad…..) and Big D and I had to find new and more balanced ways of expressing our power exchange. Nowadays I love, adore and submit, we have power exchange, we have SM, I'd never say no and yet somehow within all that I make choices, live my own life with decision making and independence in a way it should be lived.
I think total power exchange contradicts the need to take responsibility for yourself and it places too much responsibility on the dominant. Where the dominant's every move and tiniest gesture take on huge import. Where the level of responsibility upon the dominant becomes such that actually they have to watch their every move and word in case it affects the submissive negatively. The mental and emotional well being of the submissive becomes their delight and yet…. their burden too. There is no room for slip up or mistake because any damage they do, will of course be immediately forgiven by their submissive, but might have any kind of long term impact.
A dismissive sigh will become the most damning lecture. A frown of displeasure will be examined and pondered over for days. It might have been meaningless, a frown at breaking a nail perhaps but could easily become torture to the submissive. So all this requires in depth communication, to make sure misunderstandings don't happen. To ensure all are mentally happy and well balanced.
A terrible burden, while also a deep joy.
In all I feel it is a Holy Grail that shouldn't actually be explored to the nth degree. Because no matter your joy in your own depth of power exchange, it remains my fundamental belief that for human beings, to be happy and satisfied with life, they have to feel their own sense of responsibility for where they are and what choices they make. When you have total power exchange the submissive so easily loses their own place, their only purpose becomes to please their dominant. As wonderfully romantic as that might sound, I do not think that's a healthy place to be. The mind is so fragile, it's not a toy to be played with, it won't heal quickly and damage can last forever.
And so it is with interest I watch DK & Luisa and see where their current adventures take them. I also feel fearful and concerned for them both, worried. Power exchange is a mighty powerful drug. Overdose a dangerous state. I know they know and understand this too. They are making me feel very straight and vanilla boring again.... I'm sure Big D will be sorting that out tomorrow....
Edited Thu 21 Aug 08, 5:16 PM by alexandraa
Replies
21 Aug 08, 5:34 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 14 mths
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Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. This is exactly what I have been worrying about and worrying my way towards.
I think...! |
21 Aug 08, 6:32 PM
Belasarius
UK(M), 5 yrs
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Of course a person can take away their gift of submission. But, in the relationship you, Alexandraa, describe, the consequence would be destruction of the relationship.
I think relatively few understand that power exchange is only calamitously reversible.
Oh, and breaking a nail is a sin.
Power exchange is the class A drug of D/s. Rules is rules...
Edited 21 Aug 08, 6:45 PM by Belasarius
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21 Aug 08, 8:10 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs
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Belasarius wrote:
Of course a person can take away their gift of submission. But, in the relationship you, Alexandraa, describe, the consequence would be destruction of the relationship.
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I think rather, it's the other way around. That if a submissive in a TPE relationship had reached the point where they were going to stop submitting, to withdraw from their dominant and break the power dynamic, then the relationship would already be broken, love and desire long fled.
But in truth the point I was making is when in TPE you are not in a position where it would occur to you to stop submitting.
For example, and probably a poor example, when in SM play no matter what was going on it would never occur to me to say no. It's not that the choice isn't there, but rather the focus is about my dominant's expectations rather than my own thoughts and feelings. My trust is such that he knows what he's doing and knows when he has pushed as far as is humanly possible for me. I can't tell what is and isn't possible for me during those times and it would simply never occur to me to stop him doing something he wanted to do.
Consequently there is no gift of submission for me to take away, because that thought process simply isn't there.
Be careful what you wish for
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22 Aug 08, 8:49 AM
Backdooruk
UK(BA), 9 yrs
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Is it? Do you know many people who have been harmed by long term power exchange relationships and if so are there more in proportion to those who suffer harm from relationships that don't feature power exchange?
I think this is an interesting blog for discussion but it differs so much with my own experience of power exchange that I don't know where to start. I suppose the core of my disagreement is the fragility of the human psyche is portrays. In my experience adult stable humans are resilient creatures, not so easily psychologically harmed as this portrays.
I don't really see TPE or M/s as on the edge harm wise; maybe it's on edge in terms of social acceptability, but it's a mistake to confuse those two positions.
- Chris
Anyone with a brain is manipulable. Only the truly unimaginative are difficult to control.
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22 Aug 08, 9:32 AM
Belasarius
UK(M), 5 yrs
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alexandraa wrote:
That if a submissive in a TPE relationship had reached the point where they were going to stop submitting, to withdraw from their dominant and break the power dynamic, then the relationship would already be broken, love and desire long fled.
But in truth the point I was making is when in TPE you are not in a position where it would occur to you to stop submitting.
Consequently there is no gift of submission for me to take away, because that thought process simply isn't there.
(edited for brevity)
Yes, you are of course right. Agree entirely with all above - and your first point above succinctly describes the end of my first M/s relationship, whilst the rest of what I've left describes its' apogee.
It is when I see posts like yours that my faith that I will, one day, again find what I need, is restored.
Best to you.
BeLuS
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Rules is rules...
Edited 22 Aug 08, 1:05 PM by Belasarius
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23 Aug 08, 8:39 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs
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Backdooruk wrote:
I don't really see TPE or M/s as on the edge harm wise; maybe it's on edge in terms of social acceptability, but it's a mistake to confuse those two positions.
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And that's exactly what scares me about people entering total power exchange relationships. That they might not see how it can be harmful. I've said what I want to say above and am not going to start again here.
I make no confusion at all about the socially acceptable side. That's a given and in truth I don't think socially unacceptable when you explain it to people in terms of a 1950s marriage. Some of my vanilla friends have been very understanding about that side of things, jealous in fact. There is a blatant and required honesty in a Ds relationship.
Be careful what you wish for
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23 Aug 08, 12:16 PM
thea_x
UK(LS), 2 yrs
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I whole heartedly agree that more information is needed about power exchange. I'm not sure how that would look! Particularly, what would be taught in workshops, i mean where on earth would you start...!!! Off the top of my head it could initially mean sharing information and experiences.
'Just swim. Just swim. Go on with your story.' Dainin Katagari Roshi
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