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IC : Weblogs : alexandraa : "Is BDSM Unhealthy? And Surrendered Wives is it?"
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Is BDSM Unhealthy? And Surrendered Wives is it? (18)
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Posted by alexandraa on Tue 8 May 07, 9:11 PM
Channel 5 last night for those of you who missed it. A programme, they titled Obedient Wives but the women, and training programme, yes training programme, termed themselves as Surrendered Wives…. as in surrendering all authority to their husbands.
On the one hand you'd think Ds. Inspiring from some perspectives when you saw a couple of the husbands talking with joy about their feelings of power and manhood returning to them. I was rather charmed by them. How lovely and it reminded me of a submissive I knew years back who subtly introduced Ds into her vanilla marriage by simply submitting to her husband and waiting for him to take the lead. It worked out famously for them. She did indeed surrender herself to him, and he stepped up to the mark.
I was made to feel ill by a bloke who'd raced off to Thailand to find himself a wife, drudge by any other term. He even made her go to work while he lazed around doing sweet Fanny Adams. He needed a severe kicking up the arse, yet his wife seemed extremely happy…. Also felt completely sickened by a manic bible bashing couple who were brainwashing their toddler child about her role in life. Shudder. Each to their own I guess….. But really hard not to see some of it as abusive behaviour.
What the programme failed to demonstrate was the role played by the husbands. Did they provide leadership? What did they give in exchange to their wives surrendering? It all seemed a little one sided to me, hard to grasp what the men gave back to the women. I expect that was a fault of the programme rather than the couples concerned. However it actually reminded me of abusive relationships where you adapt your behaviour to avoid conflict and violence. This seemed to me about the women adapting their behaviour so they had happier marriages, avoided conflict by simply not raising their concerns. But where were the men adapting? Where was the balance? The discussion and understanding? That wasn't explained.
It brought me right back to an area of conflict I've had recently with a mental health professional over the wellbeing of a BDSM relationship, ie a relationship involving sado-masochistic acts and power exchange. There are I am sure very many reasons for people seeking out Dominant/submissive relationships and equally as many reasons for people enjoying giving and receiving pain as part of an erotic act or not.
For me SM is something I have always fantasised about as part of my erotic sexual life. Initially I'd never really thought about power exchange as a separate issue. I'd simply focussed on sexual games and playtimes involving sado-masochistic fun, some pain, lots of teasing, torment, canes perhaps, ropes, excess sex to the point of fainting, suffering the demands of a vibrant sexually full on man. You know the whole bodice ripping pirate captures and subdues feisty wench malarkey. I'd had these desires from my very first sexual awakenings.
I'd also repressed them. Tried a couple of times with boyfriends when I was young but they just looked at me like I was barking mad. Couldn't even get them to spank me. My husband did it once but couldn't be encouraged to do it again. So I'd pretty much repressed all those desires. I'd suffered a sad dull sex life year in and year out, gradually getting to the point where I simply couldn't bear for him to touch me. Looking back at that I can't see that “surrendering” to him would have changed our happiness or sexual pleasure. He simply didn't want that and did in fact enjoy having me in the leadership role.
So after a great many years I finally left him. Dithered and dallied about, had the occasional sexual liaison…… and finally met a very special man, who was actually more interested in power exchange than SM…. hello what is this about I wondered? This is rather thrilling… makes my blood sing and my heart pound that a man wants to take control of me, learn the inner workings of my mind, study my body's responses, take hold of my sexual urges and thoroughly and systematically control my behaviour. And add pain into the sexual passion mix. Oh my!
My dreams come true, my every fantasy met and then some. Years ago now, but I can still look back at how blown away I was. How I marvelled at him, his understanding of my thought processes and his ability to completely sexually dominate and fulfil me in a way no one else had ever managed. I was absolutely stunned and we went on to have tremendous fun exploring D/s and SM in all its extremes.
So nowadays when someone suggests to me my desire for SM and power exchange is somehow unhealthy, somehow related to some childhood mistreatment, or about some weird desire I might have to punish myself for something, or even a replacement act to self harming (not that I've ever self harmed), yes I get well fucked off. To be more ladylike - really offended and very annoyed.
I repressed my sexual desires for years. Finally opened Pandora's box and have never been so happy nor so fulfilled. Unhealthy??? No way no how. Quite the reverse in fact. Joyous, adventurous, fun, laughs galore, thrills beyond belief. BDSM is essential to my sexual happiness and health. And I never intend to let it go.
But “Surrendered Wives”? Just something very unsettling and not quite right about all that… No wonder people can look at us and think we're not quite right too.
Replies
8 May 07, 9:19 PM
Ash_redux
UK, 19 mths
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I think what depressed me the most about surrendered wives ( apart from the obvious attempt at indoctrination by one of the women on her young daughter ) was the lack of any sense of reward.
Everything was so humdrum, so blah. The husbands wanted their wives to be obedient, so they were obedient. So bloody what ? Apart from a sense of ' it's easier this way and it avoids rows ' I didn't get any explanation of what the women got out of it.
Even the topic of sex was brushed over - " you give it to your husband if he asks for it " was the message. Nothing about the joy to be felt in either submissive sex or dominant sex.
In fact, I refuse to see that programme as having anything to do with BDSM at all. It was a joyless depiction of drudgery, household chores and keeping your mouth shut when your husband told you to. |
8 May 07, 9:25 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs
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Yes I'd forgoptten about the sex bit, it was all such a chore wasn't it? American sanitisation. Sex is a rude and dirty thing, shhhhhh. Although I felt the Wakefield couple were possibly a tad more rampant judging by the sparkle in the husband's eye..... Be careful what you wish for
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8 May 07, 10:48 PM
lucky_1
UK, 3 yrs
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Shouldn't you be doing the ironing or scrubbing a floor somewhere.
All this thinking for yourself, so unneccesary.
Fluffy, bunny kittens for me please.
As Harry Enfield once famously put it "WOMEN, KNOW YOUR PLACE"
And what about that terminally dull man who gave his wife a list of household chores every day, like she could not even figure out what needed doing in the home. He didn't need a wife, he needed a vacuum cleaner! The more that pleasure turns into pain, the more inclined I am to stand and take it. Texas 2005
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8 May 07, 11:06 PM
The_AntiSub
4 yrs |
| So nowadays when someone suggests to me my desire for SM and power exchange is somehow unhealthy, somehow related to some childhood mistreatment, or about some weird desire I might have to punish myself for something, or even a replacement act to self harming (not that I've ever self harmed), yes I get well fucked off. To be more ladylike - really offended and very annoyed. |
I can see what you are saying here, but I don't think this is the case for everyone. I believe there are a hell of alot of damaged people on the scene, lonely people looking for a fix, subs who want a hero, or a knight in shining latex to save them. All those with the little angel pics and the protect me avatars!
Alot of doms with self esteem issues wanting to control others because they have no other control or respect in the rest of their lives.
It is all about us, you cannot blame people for getting that impression about the scene, unfortunately, the people who seek publicity for their scene activities and appear in the media and as a voice for BDSM are often some of the worst offenders too!
This message was brought to you by The bullshit Police.
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9 May 07, 12:57 AM
Masters_No1_slut
2 yrs  |
I also saw this programme and it brought back many unhappy memories for me as one who lived through such a marriage for 36 years. I always felt that something was seriously wrong with my marriage but didn't know what.
I knew nothing of BDSM when I was a young, innocent bride back in the 60's. To have a dominant husband was just the way things were back then and I don't mean dominant in the sense of D/s. One did as one was told. one was simply the obedient little, boring housewife who cleaned and cooked all day and heaven forbid if you said you wanted to work!!
He saw sex as his reward for providing a home and food. If I ever complained about never seeing him when he spent long hours at work whilst he was building up his business, his reply was that he was doing it all for me.
I could never cuddle up to him whilst watching TV because he saw this as an indication that I wanted sex, I was even expected to perform if he brought me home flowers.
I could bore you with endless things about my marriage but at no time did I ever think of him as a Dom, domineering more like.
I was introduced to D/s by my wonderful One and Only a couple of years ago and our relationship is wonderful.
With him, I am free and open about my sexuality. You can't imagine how it feels to be able to express my love for him by the simplest of gestures without being made to feel guilty if I ever was to say "not tonight Sweet, I'm tired" Not that I ever do 
He is always patient with me, always laughs WITH me, not AT me, always encourages me rather than put me down. We talk endlessly about our relationship and always strive to pleasure each other in whatever way possible.
He has taught me that our life together and love making is a two way thing, not something that one demands and the other begrudgingly gives.
buttockup
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9 May 07, 1:51 AM
The_AntiSub
4 yrs |
good for you buttocksup, sounds like you have seen both sides of that coin! This message was brought to you by The bullshit Police.
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9 May 07, 7:27 AM
Ash_redux
UK, 19 mths
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demii wrote:
I can see what you are saying here, but I don't think this is the case for everyone. I believe there are a hell of alot of damaged people on the scene, lonely people looking for a fix, subs who want a hero, or a knight in shining latex to save them. All those with the little angel pics and the protect me avatars!
Alot of doms with self esteem issues wanting to control others because they have no other control or respect in the rest of their lives.
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Damn right. Nice to see that someone actually has the courage to say it. For every well balanced, sane individual in the scene ( ie. people like me ! ) there is someone else who is quite frankly a danger to themselves and / or others and who should never be let out of the safe confines of their room or their internet connection...
I just think that a lot of the media coverage of BDSM ( and yes, tosh like obedient wives too ) just serves to give the rest of us a bad name.. |
9 May 07, 7:44 AM
verte
UK(E), 4 yrs
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I agree - I couldn't see what the women were getting out of it. And then I started wondering... I suppose a lot of what I saw seemed like 'mothering', in a way. Mothering with NO decisions. Their reward, as far as I could tell, was to make sure their husbands couldn't do anything for themselves, and then they wouldn't leave. In theory, anyhow. Sexually aggressive women probably find it quite easy to tempt that kind of married man... http://burnthewitches.blogspot.com/
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9 May 07, 8:59 AM
Backdooruk
UK(BA), 9 yrs
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demii wrote:
I believe there are a hell of alot of damaged people on the scene, lonely people looking for a fix, subs who want a hero, or a knight in shining latex to save them. All those with the little angel pics and the protect me avatars! |
But the thing is it isn't really any different off of the scene. There are just as many damaged people in vanilla land - and even the same avatars!
People are people. I've seen no evidence that they are any different off scene as they are on it.
- Chris
"I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter." - Blaise Pascal
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9 May 07, 10:29 AM
Jonssub
UK(TF), 7 yrs
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This is a subject I have given a lot of thought to recently. As a young girl from the country brought up in a severe Christian home, and no internet access then, I always fantasised about been tied up, beaten and taken advantage of. Of course thought I was social misfit and never told anyone.
My dad is a very weak man and dominated in a none BDSM way. I wanted a big strong man who I thought might fulfil my fantasies without me asking him.
In common with a with a few subs who didn't know they were subs ( I have chatted to a load of people about this). I married what turned out to be a violent bully. Luckily for me this violent bully had a very nice friend who recognised me for what I was and introduced me to BDSM. Although we never had a relationship or played.
I could never be the obedient wife to my ex although that is what he wanted.
Once I found the courage to leave that ill fated relationship, I got more involved with BDSM and found where I really belonged. Luckily for me I eventually met J and we have now been together for 8 years. For him without asking I am the obedient wife, I do all the housey stuff and I love to do it for him (with the possible exception of ironing). But what he gives me in return is magic. He knows when I am down he looks after me in so many ways, and it very much is a two way benefit.
I can't see it ever happening but in the same way they now teach kids about homosexuality in school it would be good if they D/s BDSM could be covered. I have pondered ( yeah I know I should be ironing instead) how much easier my life would of been if I had known I wasn't the only person on the planet with these strange fantasies, in fact it is fairly common.
Now I'm going back to my list of jobs
We tire of the pleasures we take but never of those we give.
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