Qualities of a Dominant Partner (27)

Raegan's profile

Posted by Raegan on Tue 25 Mar 08, 12:28 PM

I would like guidance from experienced dominants and submissives. I am trying to gain more control over myself in order to control my submissive partner. I have identified that I am doing self-destructive things which unsettle our relationship and work against what I want to achieve. I am reading as much as I can but some conversation and exchange with older mentors would be something I would find beneficial. I am finding that it is not just the physical techniques of BDSM that I am eager to learn, it is the mental confidence and strategies for managing the resistance of my submissive that I am in dire need of and currently lack. I am particularly interested in speaking to those who are in an M/s relationship as it is something we aspire to in the long term. If you feel that you can offer your time, guidance, experience or just a friendly chat now and again, please send me a memo.

Qualities in myself that I am working on at the moment include:

Self Control I want to be in control of my own life so that I may be in control of his also. I want to have the confidence to understand that when he behaves in a way that is challenging to our D/s dynamic, it is not because he does not want this; it is because he is the wonderful independent person that I fell in love with in the first place, and has difficulties accepting his own submission just as I have difficulties accepting my own dominance. I would like to learn how to encourage the behaviour and attitudes that I like and discourage those that I don't instead of being hurt or angry which will result in him being a healthier and happier submissive.
Stubbornness and Emotional Resilience I want to develop my self-control and maturity to manage my partner and to ensure that I get what I want out of this relationship. I want to learn how to follow my own instincts to control and manipulate my submissive to get us to where we both want to be in our dynamic, to mentally dance with him and win because we both want me to. I want use my intimate knowledge of how he thinks against him for the benefit of us both. I want to be strong enough to be selfish in my goals, confident in the knowledge that they reflect his. I want to build on where we are now, to take our dynamic seriously and apply effort in working towards common goals while never losing the fun and spontaneous playfulness that makes being his partner so rewarding and unique an experience in my life.
Responsibility I want to admit that our dynamic is not working at the moment because I do not have the qualities needed for it to do so. I am not punishing myself for my lack of experience and maturity, merely acknowledging that I am making mistakes and wish to limit their repercussions. I want to take more responsibility for my actions and words so that I do not harm his emotional security due to my lack of thoughtfulness or ability to control my own emotions. I want to use my instincts as I do now but add to this an ability to predict how my decisions affect my submissive based on my knowledge of him rather than a vague instinct of this would be a good thing to do. I want to expand my knowledge of myself and have a better understanding of where these instincts come from.
Maturity I want to develop the natural patience and enjoyment of the journey which I demonstrated during the month of constant online communication needed for him to trust me enough to comfortably meet me in real life. I want to be the person I was then, who was worthy enough and had worked hard to get us to that stage of trust, to then develop further. I want my natural determination in achieving what I want, my ability to put my heart and soul into a project, to be accompanied by the stamina to keep it going. I want to be able to rise above my own emotions and insecurities so that I stop interpreting my submissive's actions as signs that he does not love me or that he does not want things to work between us. I want to learn to keep calm and stable for him during difficulties, to be someone he can lean on always, a constant in his life. I want him to achieve his potential, to show him that I have high but realistic expectations of him. I want to be able to combat the low expectations he has of himself.
Trustworthiness I want to learn how to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to be consistent in my actions and my goals in order to develop myself as a person and to build his trust in me as the dominant partner in our power exchange relationship. I want him to come to me with his problems and fears and insecurities, and know that I am mature enough to handle his feelings without allowing my own insecurities to interfere. I want him to never fear rejection from me.
Experience and Knowledge I want to expand our experiences of activities which we both enjoy with the guidance of those who are competent to instruct and advise. I want to be selective of those whom I look up to as role models within the BDSM community. I want to learn how to control my submissive fully and completely, enjoying each small step for what it is on a much longer road. I want to learn to trust that controlling him and figuring out what is best for our relationship comes naturally to me and is aided by my knowledge of us both which no other person has experience of. I want to learn how experienced dominants control their own thought processes to help me learn how to better control mine.
Desire I want to admit that our vanilla relationship is wonderful but it is not fulfilling our needs. I want to learn from past mistakes that the D/s dynamic is essential to fulfilling our needs and should not be thrown away or abandoned when we hit a bump in the road or life becomes too busy. I want us both to acknowledge that we have been lucky enough to find in each other a person who completely complements our contrasting needs and to not hide behind our vanilla relationship when the way forward threatens to be so wonderful that we are afraid to grab it with both hands in case it slips through our fingers and we lose everything.
I am asking for your constructive help, IC, not your criticism of my relationship, my beliefs or my goals.

The above passages were deeply inspired by and must be given credit to http://www.submissivewomenspeak.net/domqual.htm

Replies

25 Mar 08, 12:48 PM
DominantGentleman
2 yrs Gosh...sounds tougher than a MBA !!

25 Mar 08, 12:56 PM
Raegan
UK, 2 yrs

DominantGentleman wrote:
Gosh...sounds tougher than a MBA !!
Nothing worth having is ever easy. Except maybe cheesecake.

25 Mar 08, 1:04 PM
DominantGentleman
2 yrs I do not possess a sweet tooth, but cheesecake, being made essentially of cheesey buttery stuff, works for me.
Stilton easter egg anyone ? With chorizio inside ?

25 Mar 08, 5:11 PM
touch_taboo
18 mths
DominantGentleman wrote:
I do not possess a sweet tooth, but cheesecake, being made essentially of cheesey buttery stuff, works for me.
Stilton easter egg anyone ? With chorizio inside ?
I have one of those for you next you're here deary ..it has your name iced on it and everything!
x
.....This is not a democracy.....

25 Mar 08, 5:26 PM
MidKnight
UK(N), 4 yrs
This is one of the most mature, responsible, insightful and sensible weblogs I have read in a long time.
I find it most important to try and develop oneself in all ways possible, especially for the benefit of their partner.
Quite often the journey is a shared one - you help one another to develop and become strong together.
However, as a Dominant you want to do everything you can for them -be there for them in every way possible.
The above values are very sensible ones to develop and grab with both hands. You are already showing great strength in being concerned about these things and reaching out for help in achieving them.
I wish you the very best of luck in your quest. Your submissive is very lucky to have you in their life.
MidKnight
"When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free" Charles Evans Hughes

25 Mar 08, 6:08 PM
dominalush
UK, 2 yrs£
I think maybe your age is against you on this...its hard enough to be mature for yourself at 23,never mind be a responsible mistress to your sub.if he truly WANTS to be submissive to you then you will come to an understanding between yourselves.i maintain that the sort of person you are as a vanilla person influences greatly the way you are as a dominant.if you are an easy-going person in your vanilla life you cant expect to fall easily into the role of strict,firm uber domme.also the dynamics of a relationship in which you are lovers/partners as well as mistress/sub is especially tricky.i have 3 slaves,one of whom is my life partner and my relationship with him,tho it has a strong D/s element is far more difficult to manage than my other two which are cut and dried D/s.i think you are a very wise woman to realise that as a Domme,respect has to be earnt,not demanded.but dont rush it.and good luck.marina
the fluffiest Domme you are ever likely to meet

25 Mar 08, 6:25 PM
WavesandStone
17 mths Hi Raegan,
From my own experience, anything you can do to increase your awareness of yourself, what drives you, what your inner fears are, what inner beliefs and external behaviors will fulfill the 'real' you, will be of help. You might want to try some of the online personality tests here: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Tests_Battery....
You might also want to develop a vision for how you want YOUR future to be. Something which expresses how you want your day-to-day vanilla and BDSM life to be, as well as a sense of how you want things to be longer-term. Perhaps a mood-board of pictures or a future-story you write. Again, anything you can do to get clear about the big picture and the detail of how things will be once you've achieved what you want will be helpful.
Hope that helps and good luck in your journey.
Regards
Wavesandstone

25 Mar 08, 7:46 PM
Metalhead
UK, 9 mths
You are simply looking for nothing more than everyone in the world is looking for. You have thought it through more, and articulated it, better than many, but much of what say strikes me as not so D/s or M/s orientated as it may first appear.
Looking in from the outside, your questions are 'simple' (for 'simple' read 'almost bloody impossible') life questions of self-awareness, self-knowledge and self-development
I'm no guru on D/s any more than any other part of life, so I can only offer observations, not answers, but one or two things really jumped out at me....
firstly.... I want to be in control of my own life so that I may be in control of his also
None of us will ever have full control of our own lives. You can try and you can maintain a certain stability, but we will always have things like our jobs, our banks, our families, our friends that will always throw unexpected curve balls at us from out of the blue. Far from being a problem, learn to enjoy it. It's these little things that make life so enjoyable and unpredictable. Don't feel that to be a 'good' dominant that you have to control everything. If you set yourself that target, you will fail and your relationship(s) will fail. Focus and concentrate on the little things you can control and increase them bit by bit by bit. And if something comes along that you just didn't see coming....hell, enjoy it!
Secondly........ I want to develop my self-control and maturity
Don't rush it. Maturity is what it is - it comes with time, experience and learning. One of the things I've come to appreciate as I grow a little bit older is that immaturity has it's place too - don't undervalue the importance of laughing, fooling around, dancing like a muppet and playing Twister! D/s is meant to be fun as well - don't force it before it's ready
Yes, D/s is moving, spiritual, sensual, all of those things we love so much, but in addition to that it is meant to be an enjoyable, fun and mutually rewarding lifestyle that makes you smile and gets you horny.
Learning is crucially important, as is getting experience, but if I offered one piece of advice it would be to not get too wrapped up in theories and techniques at the expense of what is most crucial to the success of your relationship - you.
Know yourself and everything else will follow.
And have FUN.
Good luck to both of you
Edited 25 Mar 08, 7:50 PM by Metalhead

26 Mar 08, 7:09 AM
femsup
UK, 19 mths A person whose writings I particularly respect and who seems to navigate the convuluted pathways of a Mistress slave relationship so well is RedSpark.She and her partner will have a lot to give you. It seems to me though that you are extraordinarily mature and seemingly well grounded.I thought your missive was really lovely and thoughtful.

26 Mar 08, 2:55 PM
irmaster_uk
16 mths Hi Reagan. It is interesting to read what is in some senses a cry for help, and in others an expression of what you see as lacking within yourself. There is no quick fix for your situation, and I speak as someone of more than thirty years experience, as Sub. and then Dom. The truth is that many relationships begin as revolution, and most only survive because of evolution. Usually those that fail in this dynamic do so because there is by the nature of a D/s relationship a fair lack of flexibility ,and the area that tends to be hardest hit is communication. Many seriously Dominant Masters/Mistresses overcome this problem simply by experience, and the intuition that comes with it. Also many partners find that the vanilla component of their relationship offers additional opportunity for communication,and an opportunity to broaden the boundaries of a relationship. If you are greatly concerned one approach would be to do a simple swot analysis, and then from that to analyse where the greatest problems lie, and address them constructively and in order of merit. I have found that the most important quality you must imbue your submissive with is Trust, for they place themselves in you care, and in so doing relinquish their own power to yours. If you can achieve this single most important quality, then your own self-confidence and abilty in their eyes will rise to much greater heights, and many boundaries may be successfully crossed. Regards Frank.
Raegan wrote:
I would like guidance from experienced dominants and submissives. I am trying to gain more control over myself in order to control my submissive partner. I have identified that I am doing self-destructive things which unsettle our relationship and work against what I want to achieve. I am reading as much as I can but some conversation and exchange with older mentors would be something I would find beneficial. I am finding that it is not just the physical techniques of BDSM that I am eager to learn, it is the mental confidence and strategies for managing the resistance of my submissive that I am in dire need of and currently lack. I am particularly interested in speaking to those who are in an M/s relationship as it is something we aspire to in the long term. If you feel that you can offer your time, guidance, experience or just a friendly chat now and again, please send me a memo.
Qualities in myself that I am working on at the moment include:
Self Control I want to be in control of my own life so that I may be in control of his also. I want to have the confidence to understand that when he behaves in a way that is challenging to our D/s dynamic, it is not because he does not want this; it is because he is the wonderful independent person that I fell in love with in the first place, and has difficulties accepting his own submission just as I have difficulties accepting my own dominance. I would like to learn how to encourage the behaviour and attitudes that I like and discourage those that I don't instead of being hurt or angry which will result in him being a healthier and happier submissive.
Stubbornness and Emotional Resilience I want to develop my self-control and maturity to manage my partner and to ensure that I get what I want out of this relationship. I want to learn how to follow my own instincts to control and manipulate my submissive to get us to where we both want to be in our dynamic, to mentally dance with him and win because we both want me to. I want use my intimate knowledge of how he thinks against him for the benefit of us both. I want to be strong enough to be selfish in my goals, confident in the knowledge that they reflect his. I want to build on where we are now, to take our dynamic seriously and apply effort in working towards common goals while never losing the fun and spontaneous playfulness that makes being his partner so rewarding and unique an experience in my life.
Responsibility I want to admit that our dynamic is not working at the moment because I do not have the qualities needed for it to do so. I am not punishing myself for my lack of experience and maturity, merely acknowledging that I am making mistakes and wish to limit their repercussions. I want to take more responsibility for my actions and words so that I do not harm his emotional security due to my lack of thoughtfulness or ability to control my own emotions. I want to use my instincts as I do now but add to this an ability to predict how my decisions affect my submissive based on my knowledge of him rather than a vague instinct of this would be a good thing to do. I want to expand my knowledge of myself and have a better understanding of where these instincts come from.
Maturity I want to develop the natural patience and enjoyment of the journey which I demonstrated during the month of constant online communication needed for him to trust me enough to comfortably meet me in real life. I want to be the person I was then, who was worthy enough and had worked hard to get us to that stage of trust, to then develop further. I want my natural determination in achieving what I want, my ability to put my heart and soul into a project, to be accompanied by the stamina to keep it going. I want to be able to rise above my own emotions and insecurities so that I stop interpreting my submissive's actions as signs that he does not love me or that he does not want things to work between us. I want to learn to keep calm and stable for him during difficulties, to be someone he can lean on always, a constant in his life. I want him to achieve his potential, to show him that I have high but realistic expectations of him. I want to be able to combat the low expectations he has of himself.
Trustworthiness I want to learn how to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to be consistent in my actions and my goals in order to develop myself as a person and to build his trust in me as the dominant partner in our power exchange relationship. I want him to come to me with his problems and fears and insecurities, and know that I am mature enough to handle his feelings without allowing my own insecurities to interfere. I want him to never fear rejection from me.
Experience and Knowledge I want to expand our experiences of activities which we both enjoy with the guidance of those who are competent to instruct and advise. I want to be selective of those whom I look up to as role models within the BDSM community. I want to learn how to control my submissive fully and completely, enjoying each small step for what it is on a much longer road. I want to learn to trust that controlling him and figuring out what is best for our relationship comes naturally to me and is aided by my knowledge of us both which no other person has experience of. I want to learn how experienced dominants control their own thought processes to help me learn how to better control mine.
Desire I want to admit that our vanilla relationship is wonderful but it is not fulfilling our needs. I want to learn from past mistakes that the D/s dynamic is essential to fulfilling our needs and should not be thrown away or abandoned when we hit a bump in the road or life becomes too busy. I want us both to acknowledge that we have been lucky enough to find in each other a person who completely complements our contrasting needs and to not hide behind our vanilla relationship when the way forward threatens to be so wonderful that we are afraid to grab it with both hands in case it slips through our fingers and we lose everything.
I am asking for your constructive help, IC, not your criticism of my relationship, my beliefs or my goals.

The above passages were deeply inspired by and must be given credit to http://www.submissivewomenspeak.net/domqual.htm

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