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| Jezzebelle |
Sort by last reply . Jezzebelle's profile
| 1 Nov 01 | am i so repressed...? | (1 Nov 01, 7:12 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Why is it that whenever i express emotion, desire, i feel like i am asking too much of the other person, even when i ask for nothing? [more...] | ||
| 1 Nov 01 | 4 days... | (1 Nov 01, 12:32 AM by Jezzebelle) |
| In four days i will know... it has been hard, mailing him has made me feel like a stalker... we agreed email contact was ok but he has not replied... having written that maybe that is the answer to my question... being kind to be cruel to be kind.. two weeks is not a lifetime either way... [more...] | ||
| 29 Oct 01 | problem solved, well not but now I know the reason | (29 Oct 01, 8:42 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Why have I been so sad and disgustingly depressive... PMT of course. I sort roll between extreme pent up anger and extreme pent up depression... so now I know what it is I can at least deal with it... but I swear it gets worse every month... could really use a hug round about now... It seems so unfair that something so biological can cause such intense mood swings. I have noted though that the mood swings are worse when I am single or anxious. I try not to think about what is making me anxious, and the more I try the more it winds me up. Once wound up I become what I can only describe [more...] | ||
| 28 Oct 01 | lost | (28 Oct 01, 9:10 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Feel a bit lost, directionless today, a bit lonely, afraid. Why? I can do alone, done it for years through choice, just seems we can't choose to change that situation. We can make moves, we can do everything possible but to find one who 'fits' is hard, losing them harder still. I sometimes think I should give up but would that make me happy? I think not... oh well tomorrow's a new day... [more...] | ||
| 28 Oct 01 | regret | (28 Oct 01, 8:41 PM by Jezzebelle) |
i regret part of yesterdays entry, i went in to edit and
then thought no, i must have been feeling
something even if it doesn't make sense... but i still
prefer snap to stale mate  [more...]
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| 27 Oct 01 | so many feelings | (27 Oct 01, 9:02 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| i have to write... it is a compulsion, if i do not write i feel my head will burst... [more...] | ||
| 26 Oct 01 | today... | (26 Oct 01, 9:14 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Today i mostly feel alone... | ||
| 25 Oct 01 | thoughts | (25 Oct 01, 8:17 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| I can not say nothing when I feel it is right. I hope you forgive me, for once in my life I have to 'fight' for what I feel is right, not just for me but for both of us. [more...] | ||
| 24 Oct 01 | a day in the life... | (24 Oct 01, 7:03 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Went to work today, actually arrived 15 mins early to find that the roof of the building had leaked... again, again, again (god i sound like a telly tubbie) only this time into my video collection, half a day to clear up the mess. [more...] | ||
| 22 Oct 01 | the need to grow a thicker skin... | (22 Oct 01, 8:51 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Once again hurt, confused, i need to grow a thicker skin... i will wait out the two weeks, not with joy, not with hope, i hate the pain, but you may just be worth it ... | ||
| 21 Oct 01 | Sundays... | (21 Oct 01, 10:19 AM by Jezzebelle) |
| Sitting listening to the rain, wrapped in my duvet, cup of coffee to hand... Relecting... on the last week, month, year. [more...] | ||
| 19 Oct 01 | fragmented... | (19 Oct 01, 9:07 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Fragmented, a feeling I get when moods fall upon me it's not only reflection it's a refraction, I am not myself, I feel disjointed, out of sorts, not myself. [more...] | ||
| 18 Oct 01 | Fragmented... | (18 Oct 01, 8:50 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Today I feel fragmented, like a mirrow broken, reflecting different aspects of myself. I do not know why... well it may be excessive thinking as you do when you contemplate the unknown... [more...] | ||
| 16 Oct 01 | a poem ? | (16 Oct 01, 7:15 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| This sort of came to me out of no where at work today... [more...] | ||
| 14 Oct 01 | Your voice... | (14 Oct 01, 12:02 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Hearing you speak, finding it easy to talk with you, hearing you laugh so easily, leaves me wanting to dive in but knowing that we need to take time... jezzebelle. x [more...] | ||
| 13 Oct 01 | Words | (13 Oct 01, 4:26 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| So many words are passing between us, typed through a phone line but still they have the ultimate power to make me feel closer to you, you more real to me. So many words I can not remember everything that has been said, they tumble from my keyboard, flit across the screen, I jump from question to answer to explanantion, a thought, a feeling. So many words that elicit feelings from my soul, some raise my hopes and some my fears, fears of emotional pain, fears that I could so easily be hurt again but certain risks must be taken or we would merely stand still. [more...] | ||
| 12 Oct 01 | Poised.. but closer to the edge... | (12 Oct 01, 11:38 AM by Jezzebelle) |
| Chatted on line last night with the one I hope will become my new Master... smiles softly. I made one big leap of faith and told him some more about my past, he was caring and supportive... why did I doubt he would be? I guess when you have emotional trauma's in your past there is a fear that you could be rejected, seen as having too much emotional baggage, potential problems become highlighted. I feel one step closer to the edge, to taking the plunge. [more...] | ||
| 11 Oct 01 | Poised... | (11 Oct 01, 5:26 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| How long will I stand here, poised on the brink,gently flexing the muscles that lead to the start of the dive? it is my guess that it will be a while... I have to learn to trust all over again, to disclose and share my deepest thoughts with another. There is a fear, of taking the emotional plunge too quickly of giving too much to soon, even though I would like to, it is unwise. [more...] | ||
| 9 Oct 01 | Hope... | (9 Oct 01, 6:40 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| I have been talking with a potential Master now for two weeks, we both want the same things... it's kinda scary, like standing at the edge of a high diving board waiting for the right moment to propell yourself into space, to trust in yourself, to put your fragile trust once again, in the hands of another, just as we trust the water will still be there to break the fall. [more...] | ||
| 8 Oct 01 | So how do you start again.... | (8 Oct 01, 7:26 PM by Jezzebelle) |
| Put the past behind you, think about how good it was.... and hope the future will be better.... [more...] | ||
