Blame Is A Hard Limit (10)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Wed 2 Aug 06, 4:59 PM

To me there is nothing nastier than blame attitude. It's the one thing without question that can make me despise a person within a matter of nanoseconds. Not my fault but your fault because….

My ex husband was a total star at it. For years I didn't see his game, thought things really were my fault. My fault he hadn't done this or had fucked up that because I'd done such and such. There were two things that woke me up to it in the end. Mind you both instances were in the final throws of marital breakdown, so I was pretty immune to him by then. The two examples I remember were…

1) Him getting into trouble at work for swearing in front of one of the Barbie receptionists. How was that my fault? Because I swore at home and that encouraged him to swear. I can remember him screaming at me furiously in the kitchen about it. I think I called him a cunt and walked away…. ho hum. Well what other response is there? You know it had to be done…. (Yes I am more mature and controlled now).

2) This was a classic. He mowed over the lawnmower cable and cut it through. Not a big deal, but everything was a big deal to him. I remember him ringing me at work to tell me he'd broken it and I thought by the time I get home this will be my fault, I wonder how he will figure that out. Sure enough, it was my fault because I'd put the lawnmower away last time and coiled the cable up in such a way that when he uncoiled it and used it he mowed over it…. Not only that of course but I'd asked him to mow the lawn and if I hadn't asked him, he never would have done it and so never cut the cable....

It was the latter that made me finally twig things weren't actually my fault and he was using me as an excuse not to take responsibility for his own actions.

Somehow or another I then managed to get into a relationship with another man who had exactly the same attitude and behavioural characteristics. What was I not learning here? Lucky for me in my next relationship I learnt a great deal about positive reinforcement, high expectations and mutual support, thanks to Colbeh.

Then not long ago I found myself in a situation where someone was trying to make me feel guilty because they had treated me badly. Talk about trigger point. I didn't realise my attitude to blame behaviour had become so vicious. But yes, I maimed and shredded. Ah well. Seems it's a hard limit…..

Is there really anything worse than being told I behaved like that because you made me? Or indeed using the excuse yourself? You'd think Ds would drum that out of us. You'd think it would be the last behavioural trait a dominant would exhibit. Surely?

In my book we act in the way we do because we choose to do so. End of story. Is it not the lowest of low to hear a dominant say I acted this way because my submissive made me?

Erm…. what's wrong with that picture? Or am I just completely idealistic about Ds?

I wonder is it my past experiences that brought me to Ds to look for a man who would truly care for me and protect me, as well as guide and nurture me. Not someone who would blame me and castigate me for their own foul behaviour.

It seems a very common trait in the world. Within and outside of Ds. It is however very clear to me that I will not accept that behavioural trait among my friends, my colleagues or indeed my lovers. Long gone are those doormat days.

Stand up and be counted. Take responsibility for your behaviour. But above all else…. love and be loved…. with joy.

End of rant, not sure what got me onto that…. but hey it's not often I rant.

Edited Wed 2 Aug 06, 6:37 PM by alexandraa

Replies

2 Aug 06, 5:06 PM
FallenAngel
UK, 6 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
I wonder is it my past experiences that brought me to Ds to look for a man who would truly care for me and protect me, as well as guide and nurture me. Not someone who would blame me and castigate me for their own foul behaviour.

Thank you again Alexandraa for clarifying some thoughts, having been through relationships with gents with similar 'blame issue's ' this is something I can really relate to.
Infact only a few minutes ago I was chatting to someone unhappy in a relationship, who wont leave it, as he doesnt want to be seen as the 'nasty one'....already he is heading down that blame path, as for some its the easy way out!
'Gutless' is the word that springs to mind here!
Know your Body - Know your Mind - Know your Substance - Know your Source.

2 Aug 06, 5:14 PM
SempaiX
UK(OL), 3 yrs
Y!

alexandraa wrote:
...
Stand up and be counted. Take responsibility for your behaviour. But above all else…. love and be loved…. with joy.
...

Beautifully written and all so true.

2 Aug 06, 5:53 PM
Mel_SnM
UK, 3 yrs agreed - a thought making blog
as well as not accepting blame for utterly everything in a relationship (whatever kind that may be).. one also has to take responsibility to sometimes say yes it was me - all my own fault and doing and Im sorry.. we can all be too perfect at times.
for those who think big women are yak... if you want to feel the heat, you've got to have the meat

2 Aug 06, 6:03 PM
Chastiser
UK(HP), 8 yrs
Y!
i am glad you have finally realised its all your fault. its definitly a relief to realise that in fact its completly down to you that chamberlain got it all wrong with his peace in our time bit.
oh and of course had it not been for you, harold would have stood somewhere else and been fine. it completely explains what that bit on the bayeaux tapestry means now. yanno, the bit about keeping an eye out for alex.
Mike

Let Me unchain your mind and your sexuality will follow.

2 Aug 06, 6:06 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

Chastiser wrote:
yanno, the bit about keeping an eye out for alex.

Hahhahahaha
No question my ex husband could have found a convoluted way to make all of that my fault.
xx
Be careful what you wish for

2 Aug 06, 6:38 PM
Jezzebelle
UK, 7 yrs
I am responsible for my words, actions and behaviour and how they reflect on other people, I'm not perfect but I do try my hardest to make sure that I do not blame others for my own actions.
I hate this current blame culture where it is always someone elses fault.
Jxxx
Coming soon for all your pervy and non pervy print needs, bespoke design and print... http://www.psprintanddesign.co.uk Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement

2 Aug 06, 6:46 PM
LouiseM
UK, 4 yrs
I wonder if he is still as whingeing, side stepping and gutless. I think most of us could guess the answer to that one. I often wonder how happy these 'types' will end up. I think that's another obvious answer. Although touched by similar experiences, I take solitude in knowing my life and outlook is far rosier than theirs will ever be.
Carpe diem, girl...x
Going to school does not make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car
It is better to have wise people reprimand you than to have stupid people sing your praises
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/Phoenix_Sunday_...

2 Aug 06, 8:01 PM
corriander_THM
UK, 5 yrs This blog really made me think, so thanks for that. I have know blokes like this, my first husband was a gold-medallist at it. He also used a similar but slightly different tactic, which was to point to something else that was totally imagined (usually made uip on the spot, to detract attention from their failings. His classic one was when I was pregnant and he went out drinking and did not come home that night (as per usual). He claimed that the reason for this was because he had 'learned' from a friend that the baby was not his! Absolute tosh of course, but I spent ages defending my honour and his behaviour was forgotten.
I think that it would be easy to blame the victim of this for accepting the blame, but it is just not that simple; after a while people start to internalise the blame. For example I took responsibility for his drinking (I drove him to drink, he used to say). I started to think that if I was just nicer to him that he would want to stay at home more -I can still see the logic of this, but that was to ignore the alcolism which I now know was the root cause.
The problem was that his behaviour effected my self esteem, and my lack of self esteem then fuelled his belief that he could get away with appalling behaviour.
"those who call the shots are never in the line of fire" Ani di Franco

2 Aug 06, 9:30 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

corriander_THM wrote:
The problem was that his behaviour effected my self esteem, and my lack of self esteem then fuelled his belief that he could get away with appalling behaviour.
Well put. We live and learn. The trick is not to repeat the mistakes and to value ourselves as highly as we want others to value us.
Personally nowadays I'm priceless

Be careful what you wish for

7 Aug 06, 8:38 AM
commuter
UK, 2 yrs
Alexandraa - count your blessings that you are well out of that now.
Me too, my ex-wife was the complete and professional;
"Travel Agent for Guilt Trips!"


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