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on Sun 14 May 06, 12:51 AM to SnowdropExplodes's blog.
(Continued from part 1, in which I talked about my childhood)
And then came university. This was an eye-opener, and finally provided a place where I could find sources that said that BDSM was okay. A magazine article about Gor, a newspaper column about the author of "The Story of 'O'", and I had my gateway into my natural sexual expression. It also gave me a ground in which I could explore a little more about my sexuality, and here I at last got an inkling of who I really was.
In the Halls of Residence, I made several friends, and discussion of hypothetical situations was rife, but one stuck with me for days on end – then weeks, and then years. The men all discussed, "If you were a woman, would you be straight or lesbian?" Everyone else said "lesbian" and of course made comments about spending forever just fondling their own breasts. I was the one who said I'd be straight, and have sex with men if I was a woman. I can't be 100% sure now, but I think that was the chink that allowed me to open up and admit to myself (if no one else) that I wanted to experience having a cunt, and what it would be like to be fucked by a big, thick cock. And from there, came the realisation that I wanted to be a woman as well as a man. I knew vaguely of TV/TG/TS, and that you could have a sex-swap operation, but I knew that I didn't want to make a permanent change.
I should have explored further. There was an active LGB society on campus, and I had three years to go to them and ask if I was the only one who felt like this. I am certain now that I would have been welcomed happily by them. Back then, though, I didn't have a name for what I was. I knew I wasn't interested in men sexually, so I was neither gay nor bisexual, nor was I a woman interested in women, so I wasn't lesbian. Effectively, by this line of reasoning, I talked myself out of going, and effectively told myself to stop thinking about what was clearly impossible – I would never be able to be a woman and then go back to being a man. So I buried it instead of talking about it.
Also at university I got my first kiss. This was from a hairy bloke with beard and moustache, and was quite a shock, because I just wasn't interested in him in that way. I also got hit on once or twice by men, but again, I wasn't interested.
Perhaps more pertinent was that I found myself more and more drawn to the company of women instead of men as friends. I don't really know why, I just did. Looking back, I realise that there have been several female-heavy groups that I've found perfectly natural. The earliest I remember clearly was my A-Level theology class – out of 6 members, I was the only boy, and in the first year of the course, we were taught exclusively by female teachers. I remember being very comfortable hanging out with my sister's friends. At university, making friends with women was easier than it was with men, and I preferred groups where women were the majority.
Then came another big revelation, which was when I discovered how good the inside of a women's boot felt against my skin, and with it a whole renewed rush of wanting to be female, or to have a feminine persona. That was the first time I remember thinking seriously about cross-dressing, and I was 22 at the time. But it just felt so natural as an idea, that I knew it was a part of me, and that I should do it. I devised a name for my female self: Felicity Rosenthyme - because I couldn't be a girl and have a boy's name. I even started thinking seriously about a costume and exactly what to wear, and how to start going out into the world. Alas, social inhibitions ended up preventing me – I just couldn't pluck up the courage to follow through with all those plans. But the name and the awareness of the desire never faded away, I just hid it deep and dark and out of sight, where even I was barely aware of it.
After that, I continued to fantasise about BDSM more and more, and kept looking for information (usually erotic fiction) on the Internet, and buying the occasional "Nexus" paperback. I allowed myself to admit to myself that I was interested in masochism and even submission, as well as the Dominance and sadism that I knew were there. Since I was still living with my parents, all of this was still stuff that I had to keep secret if I could. Still, my awareness of BDSM was growing, and deep in that dark hiding place, Felicity Rosenthyme was becoming a Domme.
Then, about 18 months ago now, I found Informed Consent, and my life was changed forever. At last I had a community where I could go and be open about being into BDSM, where maybe I would meet someone with reciprocal interests, and things would be good.
I met such a person online, and she won my trust and, 14 months ago, I blurted out that I'd had fantasies for at least four years of wanting to cross-dress. She asked if I'd be Domme or sub doing that and I knew the answer was "Domme". Suddenly, it was okay for me to talk about the deepest, darkest secret that I'd kept about myself – that I had barely felt able to admit to myself even. The floodgates had opened.
Once I finally had a place of my own, I started to acquire a costume for Lady Felicity Rosenthyme, and I started allowing myself to be her online. And I thought I knew myself inside out – male and female, Dom and sub.
Rubbish!
The more I allowed myself to be Lady Rosenthyme, the more things started seeping out the sides of that label, that persona.
Finally, a few months ago, I was discussing fashion tips with an online friend, and she called me "such a girl". Lady Rosenthyme isn't "such a girl" but, when I'm being feminine, I really truly am, and I realised that there was more to my female side than being a Domme. It took me a while to make the connection and realise the following, but (to over-simplify slightly) Lady Rosenthyme is specifically my Domme persona, and now when I'm online as my female self but not feeling particularly Dommey, I'm "Suchagirl-m" (the '-m' being because some people don't like not knowing what your r/l physical gender is).
There are no "women-only" chatrooms where females with bollocks are permitted; realising this was a huge kick in the teeth for me with my newly (re?)discovered gender identity, which explains why I was on beccalove's side over the LLM question.
Also on IRC, I have masqueraded as a genetic female, although I always let people know who want to play with me, that there is no such person, and the descriptions I give are entirely fictional. Maybe, and maybe not, I would be able to carry it off and people would not spot my "true" sex when I masquerade thus. I know that people get upset if they feel they've been deceived, so I don't test it. This is probably as close as I'll ever come to having a big, thick cock fucking my cunt – using my hopelessly limited imagination as I exchange textual sex with someone else (and that this is the best I am ever likely to do, makes me so frustrated). Again, when asked why I did it, I fibbed and said it was to try to see what it's like for women on the Internet. Nonsense. I did it because sometimes I need to be a woman.
At the moment, I would estimate that I spend maybe 10-15% of the time as female in my head, although I don't always exhibit it by crossdressing or changing nicks online.
I have no doubt that I am still learning about my gender identity, my sexual identity and my sexuality. The more I explore my boundaries in these areas, the more they seem to melt away.
Ta, SnowdropExplodes
Edited Tue 16 May 06, 8:42 PM by SnowdropExplodes
