Shiny pointy things and introspection (6)

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caprycorn
Posted by caprycorn on Mon 14 Nov 05, 5:46 PM

Today finds me in a somewhat introspective mood, mainly because this weekend has once again highlighted to me how much I don't know. That's not a bad thing, far from it. I've never thought that I did know everything about anything. But then I am sometimes shocked by quite how little I DO know and how little I have actually explored this bdsm world of ours. This weekend brought that home all over again.

First things first. The Kinklusive Klinic on Sunday was fantastic. Anybody who missed it, well boo sucks as I didn't, and it was amazing. This is probably part of what has thrown me so much. Medical play, intrusive play, that's a reasonably new interest of mine. So the Klinic was manna from heaven, so to speak. And to those who were there, giving their time and expertise - thank you. Really. Thank you. However that's just the thin end of the scalpel, so to speak, as the programme was also a lot broader than I thought. For example, I've never found the thought of catheterisation that appealing. Until now. (Damn you lili for that! ) The talks given were informative, and incredibly impressive. Safety aspects were mainly dealt with via a brilliantly put together handout, so the talks and demos were much more about the practicalities, showing and discussing and not just talking about the types of play. Even so though, the necessity of sterile procedures especially for play such as catheters was emphasised time and time again and wonderfully shown by example. I honestly can't convey how impressive the day was. All I can say is that I might not want to insert a catheter any time soon, or to have one inserted, but my mind certainly isn't closed to it. And that, perhaps, is why I am so introspective all over again.

My mind isn't closed to it, to many many things. Not any more. The more I learn, the more I realise how much there is to know, and rather than being instantly dismissive of something that I know nothing about and I don't think it appeals, well maybe I should bear in mind that that can change. This weekend has been such a watershed in that way. I am so lucky in that I have a submissive who has similar interests to mine and wants to explore with me, and a Dominant who might squick at certain aspects but who will support our exploration of them and not resent that he isn't necesarily sharing in them. That makes me feel so special, and fortunate.

Back to play. It's almost like being a kid in a candy store. I want to grab it all NOW! To pierce, to cut. To whip. To tie. To flog, to cane (although I do those last ones anyway). To control. To give pleasure and pain. To receive pleasure and pain. To be controlled. I'd have seen this weekend not so long ago as a social venture, with perhaps a workshop if i wanted an hour to kill. Now? The social side was the fringe benefit, fun though it was. The learning, that's the joy.

I look at how I was a few years ago. Cocksure that I knew what it (this BDSM thing) was about. I'd been flogged, cropped, caned, welted, played with hard. I knew it all, didn't I? I had piercings and tattooes, I'd been beaten bloody. I was hardly a lightweight. I knew the score, right?

in reality, I knew nothing. No that's not true. By the lights of the people that I was mixing with at the time, I was reasonably experienced but in a very very narrow channel, and I in my arrogance saw that channel as being the entirity of BDSM. Cringemaking to admit, but nonetheless true. And when I see others displaying my attitude as it was, part of me wants to shake them, to tell them that the probably know nothing really either. And that their minds seem to be as closed as mine were. And that before sitting in judgement and proselytising the one true way (their way, my way as it was, obviously) maybe they should actually open their eyes and SEE what is out there. It might not appeal. But then again, by being open, by being willing to learn, to explore, to LISTEN - who knows what the future holds?

Right now I know that I am not an expert at anything. I am a JOAT - jack of all trades, and an apprentice in most of them. But I'm gaining both confidence and competence by that old double chestnut of practice and experience. Can't beat it (pardon the pun). My confidence in my own abilities, and in my innate capacity to learn is growing every day, along with my incipient sadism. My horizons expand and change. Ok, my capabilities are far behind right now but boy am I catching up as fast as I can. As for J and our girl? Both of them are like proud parents in their way, saying "we told you that you could do it!" They are right too, and their faith in me from both ends of the spectrum gives me confidence in my own abilities all over again. And whilst I know that I might never be as skilled as, say, BlueVelvet with her whips, or the Leather Family with edgeplay, as lili with sutures, I can learn. And I will learn, until I get to where I want to be. And then I'll learn some more.

My problem is that I am a perfectionist. I demand a lot from myself, hence the reason why it has taken me so long to actually use the singletail on our girl. But now those floodgates have been opened. I will always practice, but I will also use what I know more readily which is the point after all. With whips I'll work until I KNOW that with a flick of my arm I can paint a line on her, where I want, as hard as I want, for the satisfaction of us both, using a variety of whips and a variety of techniques. And I'll continue to do so. Practice might not make perfect, as there is always something new to learn. But it'll make me accurate, and competent, and that's no mean achievement. In fact, I'm already reasonably accurate. But reasonably isn't enough, not for me and nor is just competence in one technique when there are so many more out there.

Cuttings, needles, that's next. Staples were fun but I am not so sure that they interest me that much at the moment. I want the intimacy of sliding a needle under skin or a scalpel slicing through it. Sutures I am extremely hacked off that we couldn't wait and see the demo, but Sherbet Face meant that we had to head off before the end of the day. I am seriously regretting having to go, and it felt somehow rude and bad mannered too, even as it was unavoidable. Ah well, there'll be another time. I hope. And I have enough to learn with what I need to master at the moment.

I still want to explore sutures too though.

All things in time. Right now I have whip techniques to refine. Cuttings to practice. Needles to practice. And play to enjoy that at one time I wouldn't even have dared to contemplate. Or if I did contemplate it, I'd have discarded it without really considering it. Without knowledge, or at least some serious thought. Without thinking of what it could be, and instead going only on my own uninformed perception.

The learning curve right now might be damn steep, but I am having such a good time climbing. To J and Lucky, thank you both, as always. And once again, thank you again to all those this weekend, both days. You've helped more than you will ever know.

xxxx

Replies

14 Nov 05, 8:23 PM
DK_Leather
UK(S), 8 yrs
Y!
What a very beautiful, open and honest entry. Thank you for baring your soul on this topic (unsurprisingly a favourite of mine).
And thank you for the compliment ~doffs cap~ Kat x
http://www.leatherfamily.co.uk ~smile witch, laugh witch, take your power back witch!~

14 Nov 05, 8:37 PM
caprycorn
UK, 5 yrs
Y!

LeatherMGoddess wrote:
What a very beautiful, open and honest entry. Thank you for baring your soul on this topic (unsurprisingly a favourite of mine).
And thank you for the compliment ~doffs cap~ Kat x
Shiny pointy things... so delicious. I think that I have just paid the SP Services christmas bonus for them. Scalpels, more needles, scalpels, more needles.... deep breaths!
And more than welcome too re the compliment type thing as it's nothing but the truth. Fab workshop as you've all been told no doubt (and if not then please be told again). It was just such a damn good weekend that I'm still smiling
capi xx
My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem

14 Nov 05, 8:59 PM
Bbdspls
UK, 4 yrs I don't mean to encourage you....or upset my bestest buddy....but catheterisation is surprisingly painless, in my experience.....blush!
pls x
If you're not going to sh*t, it's time to get off the pot (trad Irish proverb!)

14 Nov 05, 9:03 PM
caprycorn
UK, 5 yrs
Y!

Bbdspls wrote:
I don't mean to encourage you....or upset my bestest buddy....but catheterisation is surprisingly painless, in my experience.....blush!
pls x
Ah if and when we do it, it won't be for pain. Control yes, but not pain - we've got other shiny or stingy or whippy stuff for pain
My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem

14 Nov 05, 9:53 PM
lucky_1
UK, 4 yrs

Bbdspls wrote:
I don't mean to encourage you....or upset my bestest buddy....but catheterisation is surprisingly painless, in my experience.....blush! pls x
Why thank you for your concern my little buddy but I've been "done" before. OK to I was spark out at the time but I had it in for four days and I hated it when they took it out. Well, it meant I had to get out of bed. Damn cheek!
It's all the sharp pointy cutty type things that Capi has already ordered that tends to focus the mind a little. I know the woman is super intelligent but I do hope she checks the spelling before carving anything into my poor lily white flesh. If I was not lily white before, I will be if she comes at me with a scalpel!

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Lucky

15 Nov 05, 6:30 AM
northernwench
UK, 4 yrs Lovely blog!
Put your dirty angel face
between my legs and knicker lace


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