Posted by Smartarse
on Mon 3 Oct 05, 11:26 PM to Smartarse's blog.
I seem to have entered a new phase of being on IC. I don't know exactly how it happened it just sort of snuck up on me. I think it was Sugarfree's blog about saying 'kneel bitch' to subs that started me on this train of thought. It made me consider my progress and development as a person and a Dom.
I've been thinking a lot about when I first joined and how much impact that had on my life. For a short time it physically changed me. I exuded confidence for a while. I never thought I would continue to have that physical feeling of confidence and I don't. I've returned to feeling like the old me before I joined. But at least its stopped me getting into a fight. 
However, I have changed. I am more confident. I don't feel nervous like I used to. And when vanillas talk about kinky things I just smile knowingly instead of my head disappearing into my shirt. I have a load of new experiences under my belt, some good friends from IC and the worldly knowledge that making mistakes and falling on my arse has given me. All in all, I think I'm safe in saying I'm past the beginner stage.
So I'm in a new phase. I don't know what to call it yet. It seems to be about adjusting to my new state of mind. I'm having to build, and repair relationships that developed easily before - but are now struggling. Words that tripped glibly off the tongue of my old self, seem too harsh, too blunt now.
I've been looking back at some of my earlier blogs and thinking I had something to say in those days. I admire the people here who can think up some new aspect of BDSM to highlight and air for debate. These days I feel I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. It's not because I have no experience anymore. It's simply that I see all sides of every debate now. I know why people are saying what they are saying and I know why they need to say it. So the debates don't interest me.
I'm having to relearn some of the things I learned back in the Spring. Like then, I get moments when I just can't imagine why any woman would want to hitch her wagon to my train (or is it train to my wagon? stupid metaphors..) And then I remember that I'm not in that place anymore. I do have something to offer.
Right. That's enough navel-gazing, retrospective bollocks. I'm off to catch up with some people I've been neglecting.
Alex
Edited Tue 4 Oct 05, 1:45 AM by Smartarse
