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Non scene private relationships (18)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

25 Aug 05, 9:32 PM
Victoria_Cross
UK(KT), 6 yrs

I think that one of the things that can be most daunting is that there can appear to be an expectation of certain social hoops to jump through in order to find someone special in "the scene". In the programme "Queer as Folk" one guy insulted another hugely by telling him "you're not gay, you're just a straight guy who fucks men". I can see that some people may feel a bit challenged here in the same way - like a vanilla person who likes to wield or succumb to a whip.

26 Aug 05, 6:52 AM
Parato_Law
UK, 8 yrs

Victoria_Cross wrote:
I think that one of the things that can be most daunting is that there can appear to be an expectation of certain social hoops to jump through in order to find someone special in "the scene". In the programme "Queer as Folk" one guy insulted another hugely by telling him "you're not gay, you're just a straight guy who fucks men". I can see that some people may feel a bit challenged here in the same way - like a vanilla person who likes to wield or succumb to a whip.

This is a great post Victoria Cross. I certainly relate to this to a large extent. I have some fetish friends, well - actually - just really good, lovely friends who i have known for years and years - who constantly taunt me about my lack of attendance with them at fetish clubs.

I have been from time to time and have enjoyed dressing up and being part of the warm vibe of a kinky club. I love the welcoming and supportive nature of these places.

But, given the option, I would prefer to spend an evening pampering somebody special and kissing her feet all night long

...maybe i'm getting too old!

27 Aug 05, 3:21 AM
BigOldHector
UK(DE), 10 yrs

Corsten wrote:

My question is, to what degree do people think the bdsm scene plays a role in finding personal fulfillment and happiness in a private relationship?

I think I'm very familiar with where you're coming from with this, being myself totally "non-scene" but nonetheless very naturally subservient to women.

If the nature or imagery of the scene hold no appeal for you, then you will find no personal fulfillment within it.

However, scene-related contact media and websites such as IC can still be invaluable in making the right contacts. Many "scene lifestyle" and/or professional dominant women also appreciate having use of a genuinely service-orientated submissive completely outside of any "scene" context. If you haven't already, check out whether Countess Ariane's offer in this thread was a serious one - I'm sure I would, and Norwich is a bloody long way off from here.

And conversely many, or probably the majority of dominant women don't conform to any scene stereotype or want any active part in the scene, and live completely vanilla lifestyles. But when they decide to actively seek someone for their D/s needs, they too have no other course but to go via "BDSM scene" websites. And some such women ARE members of IC (often without visible profiles) - I know because I have myself had contact from "dominant vanillas" through this site.

The public BDSM scene, because it is public, has an inordinately high profile which gives the very misleading impression that the only way to find any kind of D/s outlet is by becoming a part of it and conforming to all its rules and norms, even if it is not in your own nature to do so. In reality, it is really only the tip of the iceberg. By all means use the "scene" media, but go for what YOU want and what YOU need - it is definitely out there.

27 Aug 05, 10:03 AM
Parato_Law
UK, 8 yrs

kissyrfeet wrote:

Corsten wrote:

My question is, to what degree do people think the bdsm scene plays a role in finding personal fulfillment and happiness in a private relationship?

I think I'm very familiar with where you're coming from with this, being myself totally "non-scene" but nonetheless very naturally subservient to women.

If the nature or imagery of the scene hold no appeal for you, then you will find no personal fulfillment within it.

thanks for your words of wisdom

27 Aug 05, 3:59 PM
Lewd_Lolly
UK, 7 yrs

I would imagine that the vast majority of BDSM relationships are non-scene.

Lalalalala I'm not listening.

28 Aug 05, 9:32 AM
Parato_Law
UK, 8 yrs

Lewd_Lolly wrote:
I would imagine that the vast majority of BDSM relationships are non-scene.

Interesting thought.

28 Aug 05, 10:55 AM
Mistress_Susannah
UK(SE), 7 yrs
£

I know lots of people who never attend scene events and prefer to keep their BDSM play private. I, for one, rarely play in clubs and much prefer private scenes at home. I like to keep a balance between BDSM and vanilla social events. The BDSM events are obviously great as you can relax and be open about who you are. Being a single girl, I'm unlikely to "pull" someone in a vanilla club who ticks all my boxes, so to speak.

28 Aug 05, 2:25 PM
MistressPinwheel
UK, 6 yrs
£

isouda wrote:
To take it further, I am sure there a lot of people out there living what they feel are normal relationships that we with our BDSM glasses on would classify as D/s.

How many 'good old fashioned marriages' are thriving out there without the taint of the BDSM label?

issy

I would certainly agree with this, I only realised as I was splitting with my husband of 7 years that I was interested in BDSM. Until then, we had had a very fulfilling relationship with him doing all the washing and cleaning as well as any DIY tasks and I managed our social life and financial arrangements.

Now I am far more involved in the scene but am finding it hard to meet someone willing to serve in a similar way who doesn't want to dress up or be flogged while they are doing it. I'm not currently looking for a relationship but a long term friendship like this would be wonderful.

Mistress Pinwheel

Live it, don't dream it