Fears and Doubts (7)

I have known all along she was into the whole D/S scene, prior to meeting me she was into it quite heavily, with one or another master.

I accepted this as part of who she was, and over the years we talked about it and dismissed it frequently. However she always seemed to slip back into talking to various dom males via MSN EMail etc..., Usualy without my knowledge, I did begin to suspect however that she was planning on meeting up with one of her former masters, without my knowledge, this was 4 years ago, I then bagan to become very paranoid, and placed a keylogger on her PC, which confirmed my fears. I cobfronted her just prior to meeting hinm again, she confessed all, telling me all about how she could not do without the "feeling". She apologised and said she realised how much I meant to her, and eventually it all faded away, we got on with our lives, and also developed a kind of D/S lifestyle ourselves, but obviously not to the full extent of how far she really wanted to go.

Sure enough some 3 years later it reared it's head again, same master, same situation, again this ended in confrontation and confusion and tears, she still could not pinpoint what she wanted from being a submissive, her urges she told me were strong. We agreed that maybe we should step it up ourselves, I attempted to be master to her, I found it hard, she wanted the pain, but it upset me to give her the pain, but eventually we worked it out, I gave her what she wanted, and yes it felt good for me too. We carried on progressing further, taking more steps into Master and Submissive, then suddenly we have a huge bust up and she leaves.

My suspicion lay with an old contact, whoom she spoke to only days before she left. To say I was devastated when she left would be an understatement, I was wiped out.

She would not speak to me or tell me where she was, or indeed if she was with anyone, only speaking by mobile phone text. I asked if it was to do with D/S, i got no reply to those questions.

Then 22 days later she returns from 200 miles away and says let's meet up.

We do the following day, the day is magical we both feel like we just met, we talk , we joke, we do all the things people on a first date do, but I know she is different, her emotions are off, I cried when we met, she did'nt, but she always used to, we don't talk about the D/S until the next day, she says she is over it, and it is time to move on, I am relieved.

NOW 5 days after this, I answer a text on her mobile, and bang there it is in all it's text glory, telling her she is not to "come" without express permission from her master, wow what a shock, I then read the messages in the inbox and of course the outbox, and I am shocked at what I am reading, in the 5 years I had known her these messages were the strongest I had ever seen, but prior and up to me finding these messages, she had given no indication, she had even stayed back at our home and slept with me as normal, we had done some good fun things. These messages killed me, I confronted her, she swore on my daughters life that they had never had sex or even sexual contact, but she did tell me she went to stay with him for 3 days, the texts were very graphic and sexual, it was difficult to believe that they had not actually happened.

She then told me that it meant nothing, it was me she wanted, she wanted to carry on with me, but she still seemed cold towards me, maybe she just needs time people are telling me.

Now my dillemma is this, is she telling me the truth and she only did what she did to find out if she still needed it, but then found she did'nt, if she did'nt still want it and came back to me from him, why did she carry it on via text, which to me was just as hurtfull?

I want to ask anyone that reads this, is it possible for a woman who is even tho she wont admit it a true submissive, to live a life with me, who is not natuarally dominant enough to fulfill her needs, is it possible for us both to find happiness this way or will she always be looking for her master figure, and so the circle will always be running.

I would be gratefull for any feedback on this subject, maybe from people who have been in this situation. There is just one other point, she says and always has done that none of it is sexual, can this be true, when the conotations are sexual? I do not understand the scene very well enought to know if she is telling the truth or just saying it not to hurt me.

I know this is a bit long, but i dont want our relationship to end on my ignorance of the subject.

why is it you cannot provide the D/s in the relationship so that there is no need to look outside of it?

remember, if these needs are within her, its unlikely they will dissapear, if she has to sublimate them for you, in the end its you that will end up resented, so, either adapt or end it.

Mike

Let Me unchain your mind and your sexuality will follow. www.chastisersworld.com/auction The Kink Friendly Auction site that is free to buyer and seller.

I might be wrong, it's happened before and will no doubt happen again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An open mouth with a closed mind is not a good thing" Northern Phoenix

...i am so sorry to say this, but i my opinion, let her go...i struggled so hard to break up with my boyfriend, since i really, strongly, genuinely loved him...it was tearing me apart when i realized that i cannot be with him in the way he wanted me to (romantically, i suppose)...i wanted to stay with him as much as he wanted me to stay with him...but because i was into bdsm, strongly so, there was no way, NO WAY, he could fullfil these incredibly strong needs...and these needs do not go away, it is like you having to suddenly go gay and not be attracted to women anymore...(she knows this, she is just fooling either herself or you or both, if she ever thinks she can brush bdsm aside)...

...so all i can say is, find it in you to be just friends with her if you can, otherwise, let her go completely...

...or, you can always be her vanilla boyfriend, and agree to not be bothered with her having masters on the side...depending what her kink is...that didn't work for me since my sub had to be my boyfriend as well, i don't separate the love from the sex...

anyway, if you can help it, don't take it personally since it is not your fault, and talk to her about it as soon as possible...

Edited 28 Jun 05, 10:34 PM by Mona_Demarkov

(I talk from personal experience, but this is only my opinion.)

The Playhouse The home of three lifestyle Mistresses where the possibilities are endless... www.the-playhouse.co.uk

We spoke of doing the D/S within our own relationship, and we discussed this, but she still can not understand herself where her true BDSM self is, at first it was a submissive, but speaking last night, it turned round to more a slave than a sub.

As it stands we are working on it at the moment, but her feelings and mine seem very distant to each other, I will keep any one who is interested informed, once again thanks for the advice.