Advice for Newbies! (19)

This is a common perception. However, I don't think it spoils things to discuss ideas in great detail (but not when actually playing). It's part of the medium/long term process of building the trust and understanding that is required for D/s.

Some people get off not knowing anything about what is going to happen, but others enjoy the anticipation of something they have detailed information about. Think of the excitement of reading about somewhere while waiting for your holiday there.

Ultimately, it's for the Dominant to act in such a manner that there is absolutely no doubt about who is in control. Open communication helps rather than hinders this, IMO.

You're letting the side down.

Oh hang on, I'm not a woman...

Kung Fu do what you do to me, I haven't been the same since my teenage lobotomy, Full on, I moved to Hong Kong, With Bruce Lee's brother and Johnny Wong.

Also don't assume after a time that you should never have to discuss and he should just know what you want after a year or so - it never hurts to talk about it - and this can be part of the fun to get you both in the mood!

Regarding munches/events they are generally less scary when you get there, but equally it may be something you decide to do years in the future. For now there is plenty of information online and in books - The Topping Book and The Bottoming book are very good.

There is also some information on my site, and I do offer one-on-one style teaching sessions for couples if you would like some real life help/talks in a confidentail setting.

Mistress Kitana

The Playhouse The home of three lifestyle Mistresses where the possibilities are endless... www.the-playhouse.co.uk

First bit of advice, never ever do anything Bendy_trevor says he's a dangerous nut case!

I wouldn't buy too much equipment to start pick something and ask (on here) don't pay loads of cash for stuff we have amongst our collection a £2.99 table tenis bat and a tea-strainer that cost about £1 you can spend over £100 on some 'toys' and quite frankly it's a complete waste of money.

Second piece of advice, and this may sound strange but, find a good 'pro' and go as a couple for a session, a good pro will be able to teach you hubby to use a wide variety of 'toys' safely and correctly, will be able to show you many ways to play and should be able to advise on anything from how to set up and run a 'scene' to Health and saftey (very useful)

Have fun

--
It's all just fun and games,
until somebody gets hurt.
Bendy

Debs xx

"As darkness cascades shadows frolick eagerly tormenting me so. My longing for you grows fierce, breathlessly, I await you..."
Debs xx

This is what i do. I have a Live Journal account which removed the embarassment of face to face interaction. I feel that I can say whatever I want ( so long as it is respectful) when i confide fantasies it is interesting to see them turn up sometime later when i might have forgotten i even posted about them.

and have fun..

Phinh. Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..(There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain...")

Are you sure?

Welcome to the madhouse Spankish

perspectives change when your on your knees ~ Killing Miranda

"I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy."

INTRODUCTION I receive a lot of email from women who are exploring domination. Many of them are doing it at the urging of their husbands or boyfriends, and the woman's attitude can range from "This sounds ridiculous and twisted and I don't think I can ever do it but I want to make him happy" to "Hmm, sounds kind of interesting, but some of that stuff is just too weird." The common question is always, "Where do I even start?"

I decided to develop a series of "scenes" that range from extremely tame to a little more risky. But rather than just say, "Tie up your mate and do this, that, and the other thing to him," I wanted to add what is important:

What YOU might get out of it How you can do it without feeling uncomfortable How to communicate about it

Hopefully, the end result will be that you find there are things you kind of enjoy, things you do once and say "not for me," and things you do and look back and think, "Hey, that was really HOT! I want to try that again."

ABOUT ME To help you better understand where I am coming from, let me tell you a little bit about who I am, and about this web site. I'm a very normal woman living a very normal life, with a career, and a mate. Unlike most of the women I hear from, I got into "erotic power exchange" on my own, when I was an experimenting teenager, and was not introduced to this by a boyfriend or husband. When I was a teenager, while relatively sexually conservative, I was fascinated with the sensualism associated with games like tying up my partner, or using blindfolds. As I got older, I was exposed to more, at my own pace, and found that there were a great many things I could enjoy with a partner. Some of them are considered quite kinky. In fact, some of the things I do now, I would NEVER have imagined I would do! One thing has never changed though, and let me make this clear:

I have always found the portrayal of "dominant women" in adult films and most adult erotica to be cheesy, ridiculous, and sometimes downright silly.

Chances are that you might only know about female domination from these ridiculous portrayals of latex clad divas and men acting pathetic and you feel embarrassed for them. Rest assured, this is NOT what you are going to become. These films are developed to cater to a male audience. And most men, while they kind of dig that fantasy, really want one thing: A woman who really ENJOYS dominating him. That is more important than a costume or a fetish.

First, the rules. Please read these WITH your mate.

FOR HIM: --No nagging. Don't push her into doing it. Let her do it when she is ready. Don't pressure. If she says "I am going to give this a try when I am ready," you are to back off and let her approach it in her own way. --No asking for more. When she's done with the scene or session with you, don't ask for more. Even if you think you are complimenting her by saying, "Oh I am so turned on, please can we keep going" -- DON'T. There is a time for communication (more on that later), but when she signals that she is done, you can't ask for more. --Don't top from the bottom. No hinting at her, no telling her what to do, no trying to "help" her unless she asks for it. No trying to manipulate her into doing more of what you like. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS FOR HER TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE ENJOYS. You already know what you enjoy. --Don't get addicted. The rush will be fantastic. Separate your relationship from your passion for these games and don't let it rule your life. Provide her with appropriate affection and encouragement in the hours and days following her exploration, without expecting anything in return. --Retain dignity. If groveling is your kink, please tone it down. Keep your reactions in check and note how she responds to your reactions. The goal here is to not have her feel uncomfortable when she sees you submit. All women react differently to varying degrees of humility in their mates. It's your job to find out what her comfort zone is. It might change with time, but out of the gate you want her to enjoy it and not be distracted by you acting too pathetic for her taste.

FOR HER: --Enjoy yourself. Let go. Don't compare yourself to the stereotype of what you think "female domination" is -- whether it be a dominatrix you saw on TV or something you read in the newspaper or saw in an adult movie or B-movie. This isn't the same thing. --Enjoy yourself. Make sure you do the things you like and do them lots. If something feels right but you feel confused about it, know that you can reflect on it later, communicate with your mate and find out how you feel about it. --Enjoy yourself. This is YOUR time. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking, "Ok, I can do this. I can stomach it to please my partner because I love him." That's not the point. It defeats the purpose. --BE SAFE. Most of these examples are fairly tame, but always know your partner, his health situation, allergies. Always have a communication mode set up, either agree to talk openly during the entire time (So if he says "STOP", that means stop), or set up a "SAFEWORD" if you prefer to role play -- so if he says "STOP" and is just being dramatic, have a code word that really means "STOP". Personally, I prefer open communication, especially if you are just starting.

THE GROUND RULES FOR BOTH PEOPLE --All play is initiated by the woman. She picks the date and time. It is up to her whether or not to give advanced notice, and also to still NOT choose to play at that time. --Play starts AND stops when she feels it should. When she is finished, or "stuck," or if she feels that it just isn't clicking with her, she says, "I'd like to stop now," and all bets are off. --Communication must take place after the "scene" is over -- in preferably three segments. One, about ten or fifteen minutes after completion. Spend some quiet time cuddling or making love, and then take a few minutes to reflect on how both people enjoyed it. Talk about it again later -- a few hours later. Often new feelings come out. Then, try to talk about it the next day when you have had a chance to totally remove yourself.

TOPICS FOR POST-SCENE DISCUSSION --What did she enjoy most? This is her opportunity to share what has worked for her. Also, ladies, remember that often a great deal of the pleasure the man receives is in knowing that he did a good job or made her feel good. This is your chance to give him praise.

--What pushed his buttons? Gentlemen, please do not use this post-scene time to lay out your laundry or wish list. YES, do tell her what pushed your buttons. But cautiously phrase things. DO say things like, "When you pinched my nipples, I thought I was going to lose it! That was so intense and exciting." DO NOT say things like, "I wish you would have pinched my nipples more." Don't phrase things in the negative. Say what you liked, not what could have been better, UNLESS she asks you. This is confidence-building time.

--What odd emotions are you facing? For both partners. Guilt? Shame? Why are you feeling these things? What is worrying or nagging you? Talk through the roller coaster of emotions are you both feeling to better understand how this makes you feel. Note that many times the emotions run VERY high right after completing this kind of scenario, and it takes some time to level off. Think about what you are feeling and talk about it.

--Aftercare -- do not underestimate the importance of "aftercare" for both partners. It is common for one or both people to feel exhausted, zoned, restless or confused. Often a sure-fire aftercare method, to help both people settle down, is good old fashioned quiet cuddling. Gentlemen, do not forget that femdoms need aftercare too -- often they are dealing with confusing feelings of guilt, or wondering if they were adequate. Also, remember that aftercare comes also the next day -- a phone call or an email to say again, "I really enjoyed that." The bottom line: Communicate!

QUICK TIPS FOR HER ENJOYMENT: Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough how important these few tips are:

1. ENJOY YOURSELF. Don't try to do this just to please your partner. This is playful, sexual experimentation. Treat it as that. 2. DO NOT force yourself to do any of these things if you are not in the mood. Period. 3. KNOW THAT YOU CAN STOP whenever you want. He knows the rules. You do this on your time. Don't feel obligated. 4. THINK ABOUT the fantasy/scene ahead of time -- a day or two before, a few hours before. Think about what will make it exciting for you. Think about how shocked and enamored he is going to be. 5. REMEMBER there is no set start and stop time, or "time length" this should last. It may be ten or fifteen minutes. It may be a half hour. It may be broken up throughout the day or over a few days. When you are done, or feeling not quite into it, you say, "I am ready to stop now." At first, you may want to purposely take less time in your adventures -- they can be exhausting!

ON TO THE SCENES The following are simple suggestions for games that you can play with your mate. You take on all the risks involved, and please note that these are suggestions. Always keep safety in mind, and be aware of your partner's physical and emotional well being. Always communicate and always have an agreed upon way to stop the interaction immediately. This is critical to trust and safety!

1. LIGHT BONDAGE Description: Often a little light bondage is the easiest first step for a woman who is exploring female domination. I think I read somewhere that a great majority of couples experiment with light tying-up and blindfolding games at some point. It's the most portrayed on primetime TV of all the female domination scenarios. You may have already experimented with this type of play with your mate. This time, though, do it on your terms. You choose the time, and you choose when and how to restrain him. Some creative, spontaneous examples: --Lightly bind him to a chair and feed him dessert --Tie his hands behind his back and make him service you orally --Blindfold him and instruct him how to make love to you --Tie him to your bed and pretend he is your sex slave, or someone you want playful revenge on. Pretend he is someone you have wanted forever, and now you have him in your clutches. IF you role play, make sure you tell him ahead of time how you want him to react. Should he be scared and timid? Should he be brave and stoic? Should he be a bit of a smart aleck, so you can give him an attitude adjustment? Which of these sound most fun to you? ** Always remember to be careful with bondage. Handcuffs are flashy and fun, but have to be watched as they can dig into the nerves and do damage -- only use them if you are not going to be putting a lot of pressure on them. Scarves, pantyhose, ties work well, but do NOT tie the knots too close to the skin. The point here is to create the aura; later, if you want to follow this path, you can learn how to restrain someone so he really cannot get away, and do it safely. Stay away from the neck. ** Never leave your partner bound and unattended with no way to get free.

What do you get out of it? For me, there is something very sexy and sensual about bondage. Maybe this is just in my wiring. The sight of a man bound tightly or helpless in some way is just raw. I always get fascinated with wrists, ankles, and hips during bondage. The little struggling bits get me very excited. I like to see a man challenged, and to me, bondage is a challenge. He's helpless. I like things like heavy breathing, sweat -- these things come out when a guy is struggling, even if it's make believe. It's also fun turning the tables.

Note to men: Your fantasies may include heavy bondage, latex, straitjackets, cock and ball harnesses, or real imprisonment. My advice to you: Back off. Let her learn to enjoy the concept of bondage first. If you are looking for those games, you have to put your own desires aside and let her evolve. She will not go from light bondage games to complicated bondage overnight. If you help her enjoy the above games, she is more likely to want to try more. Remember, it's about HER pleasure!

2. TAKING CHARGE OF HIS ORGASMS/TEASING AND DENIAL (also known as "Chastity") Description: This is probably logistically one of the easiest games to play with your mate, and one that will generate the most results quickly. Very simply put, you get to control when and how he has an orgasm. Men often respond very well to being controlled this way. It is exciting for them, and they feel very helpless and enamored with a woman who is not afraid to control his sexual release. You start by simply telling him that he is not allowed to have an orgasm unless you direct him to, and with your permission. You can make the rules. If he is the nagging type, tell him that if he bugs you about it, you will put it off even longer. Make sure you continue to have him pleasure you, however. And make sure you let it be known that you are enjoying having this pleasure, and that he cannot have his own until you say he can. When you are satisfied with his suffering (a few days, a week, even a couple of weeks later), you can make him "EARN" the right to have an orgasm (you pick what he has to do!), or have a great lovemaking session, or even have him masturbate in front of you. He will be putty in your hands. He will probably be on the "honor system" as he could have snuck off at some point into the bathroom, or at work, and satisfied himself. But if he is serious about submission, he will confess if this happens, and you can make him start over again -- or punish him by making him do something he hates (Clean the bathroom? Mow the lawn?). Always remember that the closer you get him to orgasm and then stop, repetitively, often directly results in making him hornier. Timing wise, these kinds of scenes work well in the course of ONE evening (lots of starting and stopping, so by the end of the night he's just ready to explode and will do ANYTHING for you), or over several days, with periodic teasing. Teasing can include things like: A nasty phone call or voice mail in the middle of the day (tell him what you are wearing, that you are masturbating and let him listen, tell him about a fantasy of yours, or just simply say "I bet you wish you could cum right now, eh?"), a handjob in the morning that never leads to anything, the start of a blow job that never happens, wearing something super sexy and flashing him in the bedroom, making him go down on you, sending a pair of your panties to work in his briefcase, pointing out to him casually things about your sexuality, "Gee, it must be cold in here, my nipples are really hard, can you tell?" -- Be a flirty tease, be sexy and know it, be confident and HAVE FUN. Tease the hell out of him. He'll be fit to be tied!

What do you get out of it? You call all the shots. You have complete control over your sex life. Regardless of your sex drive, this will always work in your favor -- If you have a low sex drive and feel bad about that, who cares -- you deny him, and it gives you the breathing room you have always wanted, and actually you may find your sex drive comes back when you aren't pressured all the time. If you have a high sex drive, you can have your cake and eat it to. All the oral sex you want, when you want it, without having to return the favor. If you LOVE intercourse and can't live without it, train him (it takes practice) to penetrate you WITHOUT having his own orgasm, or experiment with dildos and vibrators. The bottom line is that you will own your own sexual pleasure, and he will become more and more under your spell as his desire for you increases. If he starts whining, or nagging, or his behavior during this "high horniness time" is a turn off to you, TELL HIM. The last thing you want to do is reward bad behavior by not pointing it out. He will be looking to do what you want during this time, and if anyone needs to modify behavior, it will be him. I have found that most men (even non kinky men) respond to this kind of game because it's sexy and fun, and most women can get into it because it's relatively low pressure and she has many options to do it her way.

NOTE TO MEN: Your fantasies may include chastity devices or more severe treatment or humiliation regarding your inability to have release. Back off. This is about having her enjoy the concept of controlling your pleasure, and she must start with what is fun and not complicated. Chastity devices can be expensive and bulky, and in practice are often hard to implement. If she really enjoys controlling you verbally, she may go down that path, so make sure she has fun. Men are often tempted to create their own rituals and rules regarding "not being allowed to cum" because they have done it for so long all by themselves with a make believe femdom, or someone they met on the Internet. DO NOT try to mold your mate into this person. Let her find HER style. Got it? Bottom line again -- let her find out what works for her!

3. PANTY WEARING, FORCED FEMINIZATION, CROSS DRESSING Description: This one is a little bit harder to define because it can range from a guy who is turned on by wearing panties all the way up to a guy who likes to completely get dressed up. It also can totally vary from a guy who is openly turned on by wearing panties and just digs it, and a guy who puts panties on and actually is embarrassed and he's more turned on by the embarrassment.

I have found that many women have a very hard time with all of this, and this kind of play -- in all forms and variations -- is one of the most commonly hidden by men. A lot of men sneak around doing this. And a lot of women shut it down right out of the gate. Because it takes on so many kinds of forms and styles and intensities, I'll take a stab at just explaining different types of men, what they are into, what I have found makes them like it, and why women hate it. A few quick points out of the gate:

ALL MEN, KINKY OR NOT, LOVE PANTIES. Period. I don't care if he is Mr. Conservative and is more turned off by S&M than even YOU are, chances are that panties turn him on. Women's lingerie has always been erotic to men. Why do you think so many men love flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalog? Ok, so that is fine. Men who like to look at lingerie and look at women in lingerie are one thing...but men who want to PUT IT ON?? (I can see you cringing).

PANTIES FEEL GOOD. Face it -- nicely made panties feel a lot nicer than cotton briefs. We know this because we wear both. You know how nice a good pair of silk or satin panties feel, right? Most men (even the non kinky guys!) at SOME point in their life probably snuck somewhere and put on a pair of panties. Probably during puberty. And they did it because they were curious -- because lingerie was so exciting and sexy -- because panties are the part that TOUCHES a woman's most erotic body part. As a result, many men had a teenage experience that really turned them on. They put on some panties, and they felt good. Period. A lot of them just brushed off the experience, a lot of them felt ashamed. A lot of them kept doing it every once in awhile. It all depends on which man you ended up with.

EVEN JOE VANILLA WOULD GET HARD IF YOU DID THIS TO HIM. I don't have solid evidence to support this (except for my own experiences with vanilla guys!), but unless a guy was really homophobic or afraid of being labeled a fairy, I would put a large bet on the fact that ANY guy would get a huge erection and be totally turned on if his wife or girlfriend said one day, "Hey, put on my panties." He'd resist, but it would mostly be ego driven ("I don't want her to think I'm some kind of fruit"). But if he put them on, he'd be helplessly turned on because 1) they FEEL better than the underwear he is used to 2) YOU were wearing them, so it means they probably have lingering moistness from your body that drives him nuts and 3) Think about it ladies, they are TIGHT, and anything that presses so hard against his manhood will keep him totally aroused. If he can put aside the macho bullshit, he's captivated.

Ok, so what can you do to explore this? Start slow. Do something like what is described above. Either tease him with your panties, or make him wear your panties, or if your panties are way too small, make him buy a pair for himself. Try to really separate any hesitation you might have about labels (ie, does this affect his masculinity?). Just look at it as a make believe game, like role playing. Don't think so much about "oh he is wearing panties," think of it like "these panties are making him so excited, look at how turned on he is." All of that is in your control.

What do you get out of it? If you have a mate that is wired to be turned on by this kind of thing, you have a sure fire way to keep him hard any time, for however long, and it's easy. It's instant erection time. Who needs viagra? Even better, you can make him do it when he is out of the house, like at work, and then he is turned on all day long. There is nothing better than a man who is dying to have an orgasm and has been hard all day. He will be putty in your hand. Also, try to separate the cliches and stereotypes and for a moment think about just how it feels to have his cock in something so tight and soft and silky. It feels nicer to touch, and you may find it quite sexy once you get used to it.

NOTE TO MEN: This is a fetish I have seen many men royally screw up. They either try too much too soon, or they totally neglect to address what concerns most women. So let me give you a few tips and you must follow these. First, don't ask for or expect anything more than just some playful experimentation with panties. You may be into more dressing up than that, or your fantasies run deeper, but this is not the time or place. Your partner has to get used to the eroticism of having you in feminine attire, and that will never happen if she can't learn to have a blast putting you in panties.

Second, be extremely careful to assure her of your sexuality, your masculinity and your strength. I think a lot of women fear that seeing their mate in anything like lingerie might confuse their perception of them -- after all, you are her husband or lover, and she wants to see you that way. Refrain from any "humiliate me, Mistress! Tell me what a sissy I am!" kind of talk, that is not appropriate. Offset all of this by not hamming it up with sissy talk. Be a man while you do this experimenting with her. Tell her how much it turns you on, and let her enjoy that.

(I will have a later section on forced feminization that covers more advanced types of play -- more dressing up, some role playing and teasing games and more....but start with the panties for now...)

4. BODY WORSHIP Description: Many men have eroticized body worship to the point that it's almost a total drag for their mate, because she feels like she's just a woman attached to a vagina that he wants to go down on, or that he's more interested in playing body worship games than pleasing her. Men do not understand that often there IS such a thing as "too much oral" and that massage can be overrated if he's always begging to give one. Ladies, if your man has a body worship fetish, you can control it and have it work in your favor, and do a few things that make it more satisfying for him. In other words, I have observed that many men want more and more of this because they aren't getting their "fix" from the occasional session of it. More on that later.

One key to body worship is that a man wired for this fetish will get a much more rewarding experience if it happens BECAUSE YOU DEMAND IT. In other words, if he always has to ask for it, or suggest it, then deep down he is thinking, "Well I think she likes this but who knows, she's probably thinking about other things and man, I love going down on her and this is so wonderful but I bet if I never asked to do it she'd never ask me too...".

Control the situation. If he has a fetish for this kind of "body worship" (and that can be anything from wanting to bathe and pamper you to going down on you -- or it can be fetishistic to a part of your body -- your feet, your fingernails, your toenails -- it means there is some part of your body, or your WHOLE body that he wants to be charged with completely worshiping) then make it work in your favor. First, you call the shots. Period. Once you control when and how long he does this stuff, you won't dread it anymore. If going down on you is his thing, tell him when, for how long, and when you want your orgasm and how many. Tell him what music to play, tell him what you want on the TV -- hell, read a magazine or talk on the phone. It doesn't matter, it's about YOUR pleasure. Make him do it YOUR way and on YOUR time schedule.

If he's into massaging you, tell him how you like it. Order him to do the bath ahead of time, tell him what bath oils to buy, and tell him you want scented candles. Make him send the kids to a babysitter and have a once-a-month pamper fest. Make him read books on massage. Hell, if you have a guy who wants to be a live in masseuse, make him learn it! If this is really a fetish of his, consider having a professional masseuse come a few times and show him how to do it.

Men who are into body worship often respond very well to things like: Being told when and how long to do something, being told how to prepare and what to buy, receiving a LOT of feedback about how they are doing at their task (this is critical to their enjoyment, so make sure you reward good behavior graciously), being objectified (in other words, you let him adore you, but you do your own thing -- like talk on the phone, or read a magazine, really make him feel like he's just a pleasure toy for you -- make sure this pushes his buttons before you try it, but trust me, if he's into that, he will love it if you push that to the limit -- and do it without feeling guilty!), being commanded to perform immediately and with no notice (he walks in from work and you are already ready for your adoration!), or focusing on one part of a woman's body (he may have a foot fetish, or a thing for nails and he wants to learn to give manicures). Use these to your favor.

NOTE TO MEN: Ok, so maybe your body worship fantasies have to do with extremes -- like having to go down on a woman ten times in a day, or for 2 hours straight. Maybe it is about being forced to, in bondage, with devices, and being totally degraded. Back off. This is a chance for your mate to learn to enjoy being pampered. If you have been pushing her for a long time, she may be to the point that she dreads oral sex because she feels like you are more into licking her pussy than into seeing her happy, and she may be faking orgasms regularly just to appease you. If you want a woman to enjoy being worshiped, let her enjoy it HER way. In time, she may want to explore more intense games. Even though you think there could be NOTHING wrong with cumming ten times in a day, she may not find the same pleasure in that. There IS such a thing as "too much of a good thing" --- if you get her burnt out on pleasure, and nag her, she's going to hate the whole concept of "body worship." So start slow, and let her direct the path.

5. DOMESTIC SERVITUDE --

I wanted to write a little bit about the topic of "domestic slavery/servitude." For women, this may be one of those weirdo terms. You hear it, and you probably think, "Oh great." It sounds so…kinky, weird, and fetishy. Sometimes I think terms were created almost to be more ominous than they really are.

And, in many cases, the term covers a broad spectrum of experiences, intensities, and the overall impact in the day to day lifestyle of all people.

What is it, really? "Domestic Slavery"? By my definition, it's a situation where the man supports the woman in the household in domestic responsibilities. In the "extreme" cases, the man has a fantasy of being responsible for ALL of the household tasks, and in fact, commanded or instructed to do them, while the woman luxuriates. (talk about micro management!)

Nice fantasy, isn't it? Practical? I highly doubt it. Mind you, there are some people who do this, and make it work. But that's the far, far end of the scale.

Many submissive men look to "forms" of "domestic slavery" (or domestic submission, more appropriately) to "scratch the itch" they feel, without pressuring their hesitant female partner to engage in "kinky acts." He may try to assume a submissive role by doing things like:

Washing the dishes without being asked to Washing the car Taking care of the kids and telling the wife 'Go out and have a nice time" Offering a massage, or a foot rub (not domestic, but the concept is there: "serve") Make a nice dinner Do the laundry Surprise the lady with a beautiful bath Etc.

For many submissive men, this is the only satisfaction they feel they can get, and they use this as a stepping stone to try to prove to their lady that their submission is sincere - that "all they want to do is please!"

If you look into the minds and fantasies of these submissive men, I have found that in many cases, they are sometimes acting out fantasies that are a little more edgy in their minds (and of course, it depends on the man). Some wish they were forced to do the cleaning at the hand of a sinister and commanding mate. Some wish they had no choice in the matter. Some wish they were also judged and given specific orders in how it was to be done. In more extreme cases, some would love it more if they were forced to dress up while doing it (see my section on why men love to wear women's lingerie and panties).

But, many will "settle" for the chance just to please.

In this section, I want to explore why this often fails in relationships, and how you can make it work. As always, I will address the women in this situation first, and then the men.

WOMEN So what's so bad about having a guy at your beck and call? Imagine that. Your husband or boyfriend - and "all he wants to do is please"? Sounds like a dream come true? It isn't. If you are like many women I have talked to, it's actually more confusing, rattled by bad timing and mixed signals, and a mish mash of hit and miss. Some husbands are up front and try to explain their fawning behavior; others just start doing it, and hope it goes in the right direction.

These are some of the problems women face when in this kind of a situation:

They like to do things their own way, and have a routine. Extra help, while appreciated, only complicates things sometimes. They feel obligated to return the favor in some way. Some think "Is he doing all this because he wants me to play some of those domination games afterward?" They don't like the way he acts when he gets into that mood. It feels awkward. He does not do an adequate job. She'd rather do her own chores because she does them better. He pours it on so thick, and so often, she gets exhausted from it. He asks too many questions, asks for confirmation, hints for praise. He sulks if he is not rewarded properly

And the list goes on. Now, this is not to say ALL men do this, of course not. But these are the types of things, I have heard (and experienced) that make the experience just - kinda weird, or uncomfortable.

So, what do you do if you are a woman in this situation? I will give some advice, for what it is worth, and again, remember this is just one woman's opinion. When I think about the concept of "domestic submission" or the man who "just wants to please" his lady, I break it down and ask myself:

"WHAT DOES THE MAN GET OUT OF THIS? HONESTLY?"

It's one of two things, or a combination. It is 1) Satisfying a fantasy and 2) Genuine pleasure in making his lady happy.

Ok, fair enough. And, it depends on the man, if you are asking "Which does he want more, 1 or 2?"

I think the common breakdown between couples when they try this situation is that he performs, performs, performs, and does not get enough satisfaction in terms of 1 and 2. Sometimes, he turns passive aggressive to get it. Again, lack of communication (and he may not know he is doing it).

What a woman must do is take control of this situation and make it work FOR HER. I can give you suggestions on how to make it work for you, and also how to give him what he needs so it's not so confusing and it cuts out the miscommunication. When I address the men, I'll tell them how to manage their expectations and put themselves in your shoes for a moment (and guys, I do not mean to go into her closet and put on her pumps).

How do you make "domestic servitude" work for you? I break this down into a not-so-clever acronym: "DARC" - And I mean that sarcastically. It's not a dark fetish at all. This is not weird, kinky, and will not disrupt your life or make you uneasy. You just have to relax, and remember YOU are in charge. Take what you want from this experiment and see what works and does not work for you.

What is DARC?

Quite simply:

Demand Acknowledge Reward Command

These are the FOUR things that I think are critical to making a domestic servitude situation run smoothly. If I had any more room for more letters and words I'd add BALANCE. And that is - don't expect (and don't let your man expect) that you are going to become a full-blown 24 hour a day "in charge" lady of the house barking orders all day. That is a nice fantasy, but not for everyone. Certainly not for me. If some day, you think you would love that, then go for it. But to start, it must be clear that you will experiment in steps, and whatever balance you find works for you is the one that will stick (that is, balance between "how life used to be" and "times when the man specifically serves you to please you domestically."

Here they are with a brief explanation:

Demand Possibly, a large part of your mate's fantasy is the idea that you are demanding a service from him. If this has not been present at failed attempts to achieve a servitude situation, he might have been instead asking you. Nagging you, perhaps, sometimes.

"Can I get you anything, ma'am?" "Would you like a footrub, my lady?" "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

And so on and so on. You may not mind this. Sometimes, women find it to be nagging when it is poured on too thick. I know that I do. There is a difference between helpful and badgering. There are some times that I simply do not want/need help or fawning and I have my own things going on.

I have a theory that a submissive who needs to "ask to be demanded" is getting a "half fix." Sort of like the sub type who wants his woman to "be dominant in bed and force him to please her" but asks her to do it - he may get the acts, but does not feel like she is doing it for himself, so he's not fulfilled.

How can you avoid this cycle? Demand. Simply demand. And you do not have to be a bitch, or harsh. Just know what you want, and request it. Make sure you communicate with your male partner about how he feels regarding "random demands" -- would this push his buttons, or make him feel uncomfortable? My bet is most subs who are into domestic serving would enjoy a random, spontaneous demand.

Take some time to think about what would help you one day. What would make your day better. Would it be a nice bath? Ask for one. Would it be that a closet is cleaned out and re-organized? Ask for it.

Even take a simple errand, something in the past where you might have called him on his cell phone on the way home and say "Oh, honey, I just realized we are out of milk, can you stop by the store?" Change that to a demand. Playfully. The call would instead be, "Hello my pet. I want a half gallon of milk, and I want you to go get it, on your way home. Understand? Do not let me down."

Sounds easy? Well, there is one more catch to it. It's called "Command" - and I am going out of order in the spelling of DARC but it will make more sense…

Command What is the difference between a demand and a command? From a semantics standpoint, not much perhaps. But I consider a demand a request for a task to be completed. "Command" is the oversight of an activity and carries more of a serious tone. In other words, you are not requesting he fulfills a task. You are telling him how, when, where, and what the results should be.

Again, check with your partner to see how he feels about this. I have found that most subs like more detailed instructions if they are being given demands. And if they don't get that, they ask follow up questions, and that starts to get on my nerves. I am not sure why some do this. They say it is because "I just want to make sure I get it right" and I suppose that is understandable, but sometimes I think they just want more demands, more commands, more of the tone, more of the look. Stretch out the fantasy.

And example, extreme, but to make a point. I am sitting on the couch and there is a red ball and a yellow ball at the other side of the room. I tell my man, "I have an order for you. Go get that red ball and bring it to me, now." What do I expect? I expect him to do it. It's a clear demand.

What if he says, "What about the yellow ball?" (follow up question one) Me: What about it? Him: Do you want me to bring it, too? Me: Did I ask you to bring it? Him: No. Me: So what is the answer? Him: No?

Ok, so maybe I am impatient. A few times, this is ok. But again, and again, and again, I tend to feel like any direct demand may lead to multiple questions until infinity.

This can be avoided by proactively being detailed in your demands, being specific and almost taking it to a level that seems extreme. Remember, he is relishing in the moment that you take a normal request and make it a *demand*. So that means the more words that come from you, the more he is sinking deeper into a place where he's thrilled. Make a game out of it. Remember that milk example? Two versions of it:

Demand style one: "My pet. Get milk on the way home, understand?"

Demand style two, with more flair: "My pet. How are you? Good. I have a demand for you. And don't think you can say no. I want you to stop and get milk on the way home. I want a half gallon, and I want you to check the expiration date on it and don't get me something that is going to expire soon. I want you to also go pick up a magazine, I feel like reading something. But make sure it is something I will enjoy"

(or, change the "added demand" to something simple that will please you. Tell him to stop and buy an inexpensive bouquet of flowers they sell at the store. Or a pint of ice cream. )

It is important to remember, as you give a demand, that you do not need to be a bitch, but often men respond to a stern tone. Remember, this is not you BEING bitchy, or being FAKE. This is playful. This is like you used to play make-believe, we all did, when we were kids. You can pick your own style. You can be cool and steady in your tone, you can be a smiling type, cooing a little, indulging in the control. You will find, I bet, that being that other person for a moment is actually refreshing. And you will also find his reaction to be different.

So, in summary, if you turn a demand into a command, ma

It is our desires that control us, that feed us and sustain our existence, for we are the servants of that which we have no control over. At your feet slutman96