Posted by Smartarse
on Sun 8 May 05, 12:15 AM to Smartarse's blog.
Perfectly formed Dominant males and suitable male partners are not born. They arrive on earth in a rough state and are carefully moulded by time and experience into individuals who exhibit the right behaviour toward women. Until they reach that point they make mistakes and act like jerks.
The good news is that most men are capable of making that journey to suitable partner given sufficient help and encouragement.
The bad news is that there is no help. There are no instructors or instruction manuals.
The good news, particularly for experienced females - the kind that moan on and on about how there aren't any real dominant men around of any worth or value - is that males can be easily moulded with a few kind words and encouraging feedback.
The bad news is that trashing them, flaming them and generally pulling their trousers down round their ankles makes them worse not better, even though it may help relieve the frustration of females.
People have a great deal of difficulty understanding the difficult concepts behind BDSM d/s relationships, what a dominant is, how a submissive should react. Its only time and careful study of blogs and reactions from subs and doms that can impart this information. It's not really surprising men come on to this site and don't know this stuff.
Men coming into the scene either come with the attitude that getting a submissive is a slam dunk shag or they think that the way to attract women is not the vanilla way but by adopting a mean hard personae. That's why they get it wrong.
And yes, I've come here with the wrong attitude, the wrong ideas and used the wrong approach. Hopefully nobody got hurt but me. I've learned.
Don't write men off as fuckwits. In every fuckwit there is a decent bloke who just doesn't get it.
| 8 May 05, 12:35 AM Nightwand UK(EN), 11 yrs  |
Well spoken. Refreshing to read read such sensible, balanced and non-judgemental advice. Best wishes in your journey. Nightwand | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 12:41 AM Smartarse UK(CM), 7 yrs |
If you gwow youw own and end up with a Twue Dom, that's youw hawd luck. smartarse (formerly alex_10m) | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 10:14 AM augusta UK, 8 yrs |
i agree. i have had some wonderful Dominant men in my life - and they have been, and still are, wonderful men who just happen to be Doms. knowing that i have made them happy and, as a result, been instrumental in helping them on their Domly journey is, for me, fantastic. i would hate to think that a man i am in a relationship - friendship, D/s play, full-on intimacy, whatever it might be - with is so "fully formed" (psychologically speaking, not physically speaking! let's just take the latter as read!) that he would never learn anything from having shared that relationship with me. it's no weakness for a Dominant man to realise and admit that he can learn things from a submissive woman; and similarly, it's no strength for a submissive woman to dismiss or patronise or taunt that Dominant man for seeking to change or improve himself.
you don't have to be mad to blog here.... but it helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 10:44 AM Malissa UK, 7 yrs |
It is the responsibility of both parties to make a relationship work. I suppose a lot of submissive women carry baggaage from previous relationships, used to men that are emotionally lazy and take no responsibility. When you step into Ds you hope that that will be different and it's really disappointing sometimes that it isn't. Living and learning are an important part of life but no party should be reliant on the other to take responsibility for making sure a relationship develops. So often I feel laziness is dressed up as "I want to train a sub to do this that and the other for me". Or maybe I'm reading it wrong or maybe my expectations are simply too high.
Live life with no regrets | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 11:17 AM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
So what you're saying is that it's the fault of the women who know what they deserve, and have the self respect to take only that, that some men are 'fuckwits'? Perfection isn't born, that much is right, but the first person that NEEDS to have responsibility for change and self improvment/self growth is the person themselves instead of looking to another or blaming another when it doesn't happen. As far as the perfect Dom part, I wouldn't know if that can be 'grown' or not. The Dominant women I've interacted with in this way, regardless of how new or experienced they are have all had it shining out of them for want of a better word, it has been there without encouragement, without 'training' it in them, without the benefit of experience at times. Couldn't it be, yanno, down to the men themselves rather than the 'lack of help'?
I'd agree with the last thing though partially... Don't write men off as fuckwits, just write the fuckwits off as such Fool enough to almost be it, Cool enough to not quite see it, | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 11:38 AM Smartarse UK(CM), 7 yrs |
No, that's not what I'm saying.
Change, self improvement and growth can't happen without non judgemental feedback.
We don't apply that to any other skills we learn in life. Why should it apply for this?
smartarse (formerly alex_10m) | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 12:02 PM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
So what was that saying then?
Two things. First off, yes they can. The key word is SELF improvment. We look inside ourselves, look at what we do, how we act and so on. If we ourselves can see ways in which we can better ourselves, then there we go, room to change, improve and grow without input from another at all. Other people might not like that growth, but at the end of the day to me increasing self awareness/growth/improvment is all about happiness within ourselves. Secondly, there's no such thing as non judgemental feedback, apart from feedback that's so apathetic that it's of little or no value at all (ie from those that just don't care one little bit). Just because people disagree doesn't mean that their viewpoint isn't valid, and just because people do agree doesn't mean they aren't making a judgement... It just happens to be one you might like because affirmation is a very nice thing.
No, they grow on trees.
Would it help if I'd written Dom/me? Of course people grow and develop, and someone at the start of their exploration into this world won't have the benefit of experience and of knowledge that someone with 'x' ammount of experience will, male or female. Perhaps the best way to say it is that Dominant isn't what they are so much as who they are... It's an indefinable thing that shines out of them, and I think that's something that a great many sub would agree with. And what is perfect anyway?
Because Dominance, like submission, isn't just a skill? Because living isn't a skill? As I think I've already said in other words, the first person that should help us is ourselves, and if we don't have the self (insert word here, I'd go with respect personally, but motivation, belief, awareness... they all fit too) to do that then why should anyone else bother? Fool enough to almost be it, Cool enough to not quite see it, Edited 8 May 05, 12:04 PM by Northern_Phoenix | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 12:24 PM augusta UK, 8 yrs |
someone much cleverer than me (yes, astonishing, i know) once said: the only way we can ever truly know ourselves is through relationships. it has to be - surely? - our interactions with other people that inform us about ourselves. a hermit sitting all alone in a cave for decades with no human interaction might THINK he knows all about himself... but that will be all it is, THINKING. it's our unconscious reactions to others - what they do and say and are - that really reveal our true selves to us.
it's sad to see your cynicism; non-judgmental feedback is alive and well and thriving - perhaps not everywhere, but i assure you, it does exist.
you don't have to be mad to blog here.... but it helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 12:35 PM Northern_Phoenix UK, 8 yrs |
I didn't say that interactions with others don't play a part. What I said was that it's possible for us to look at things ourselves with no feedback from others and improve through that.
I'm not challenging, but could I have an example of that? Feedback to me is someones evaluation of something, and by the very fact that it comes from someone it's inevitable there'll be some kind of bias in that, even slight enough to be insignificant, but it's still there and as such still shows a judgement. To me anyway.
And yes, I'm a cynic and damn proud of it Fool enough to almost be it, Cool enough to not quite see it, | ||||||
| 8 May 05, 1:17 PM caprycorn 8 yrs |
While I would agree that our relationships and reactions to those around us can help us learn about ourselves, it is still down to the individual to assimilate that learning and ...well, do something about it. To say that a fuckwit remains a fuckwit until someone tells him that he is a fuckwit is absolving that fuckwit of all responsibility for his own fuckwittage. Why is feedback such an essential if relationships and our reactions to them can provide the insight to who and what we are and what we might wish to change, so long as we are not too apathetic / arrogant to take it on board? I'd agree with you that we learn from all our relationships, friends, family, partners, enemies. We learn what we like and we learn what we dislike, and perhaps try to avoid developing those traits that we dislike. I don't see that it is down to anybody but the individual to actually take responsibility for any change. If that individual can't / won't perceive the necessity for altering their behaviour and the reactions to that person from those around them remain adverse then that is nobody's fault but the individual. Feedback surely doesn't havee to be in the form of "this is where you are going wrong but I think you are doing this right" to be of use, although I am not decrying that as a tool. This can be a difficult "world", and when I came to a D/s chatroom I sat in the metaphorical corner for a long time before venturing forward. And I watched. And I learned. I saw people communicating and ventured forward shakily from thereon in. If I fucked up, I gathered that from the reactions of others, from silences as well as outright denunciation but primarily because I am bright enough to know when I had fucked up. It isn't necessarily rocket science. Yes I am quite aware that the reactions of others are feedback, but it is still down to the individual to assimilate it and LEARN from it. Why is it up to others to teach? I took and still do take responsibilty for myself ultimately, and if I am found by some to be a fuckwit then I am found by others to be nothing of the kind. I suppose that I am saying that notwithstanding those around us, they can only help us if we help ourselves. The buck really does stop with us.
My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem Edited 8 May 05, 1:20 PM by caprycorn |
