Posted by lucky_1 on Tue 1 Mar 05, 1:05 PM to lucky_1's blog.
I thought long and hard about this blog, and the title. But there was no other way of starting it really. I hope it does not ramble too much!
Recently I've read some very good and very personal blogs by the wonderful people of IC and also on why we blog in the first place. Well usually I like mine to be quite light hearted, but not this one. This is because I feel the need to get my thoughts down and yes, to share them.
This is my story.
It was a quietly uneventful life. It was December 2003. There I was, 38 years old, good job, nice house, living with the man that I loved with all my heart. (He would have made a brilliant Dom if only he could have brought himself to do that to me.) We had just moved to Devon, he had started a new job and life was good. It was everything that we had aspired to and all the hard work over the years together was finally paying off.
Then one weekend he started to turn yellow. Into hospital for tests he went and after three days of blood samples and scans we were ushered into a little side room. The consultant came to see us. We were told that he had a tumour in his pancreas, it had spread to his liver and he had maximum of six months to live. In fact, if he didn't have an operation the next day he only had three days to live.
The operation did not go well and he had to have a second the same day. He came home on December 23rd and we got married in our house on Christmas Eve, with two good friends and the local vicar as witnesses. Even the registrar shed a tear. My husband very bravely agreed to have the chemotherapy even though it made him feel awful. I was with him every minute. We made it through till February when my GP suggested they make sure I was OK as we had a rough time ahead. Off I went for my blood test, nothing wrong with me!
Wrong. Turned out I had a tumour the size of a tennis ball in my liver and I had no idea was there. If it ruptured I would be dead. Several scans and a biopsy later I was dispatched to Kings College Hospital in London where the Head of Liver Transplantation was to attempt to remove it. It was now the end of May and my op was on a Saturday morning. I wrote my husband a letter before I went to theatre, just in case, as the surgery was major and not without risk. There was only one hospital with the necessary skills and facilities to attempt the surgery.
I died on the operating table. I had to be resuscitated. I came round later wondering just what had happened! I got home after nine days in hospital with an 8 1/2 inch scar across my stomach and had to go straight back to caring for my husband who was by now becoming quite weak. It was June now and by rights he should not be alive.
He died in September ,at home, in my arms. Apart from when I had to go into hospital myself, I never left his side. I have never, in my life, felt so bad. I immediately took all his medication back to the pharmacist. If I hadn't I would have consumed the lot. I had a shower the next morning and I cried in that shower like I have never cried before or since. I had to hold myself together for the funeral and I don't know how I managed to do that. It was like he was with me that day. I felt him in the church. It was like he was all around me.
Later that month I stumbled across IC. Yeah sure I hear you all say. No I really did. I was looking for some info on Japanese Rope Bondage which I've always wanted to try. Looking back I think I was trying to establish just who and what I was at that time. On there was Master Marmion, and he was reading the same book as I had just ordered. I emailed him and asked his opinion. He emailed back. So we emailed each other for a while and then MSN took over. Then the phone. We finally met when I moved house. He was sitting an exam nearby and offered to come and help me move.What a gentleman.
We then met up for a coffee and he took me to SWAMP in December. Well, I was like a kid in a sweet shop. I had made up my mind that BDSM was for me, it was part of me, part of who I really am and after all I had been through I was going to do this for me. We got on wonderfully from the start. We could go for something to eat and order for each other with confidence, we just liked all the same things! I instantly felt at ease with him.
Christmas came round and I headed off to Scotland to be with my family. I didn't want to spend Christmas alone. My Dad lived on his own since losing my Mum six years ago. So to be together at Christmas would be great.
Wrong again. Dad went down with pneumonia. Turned out it was heart failure that caused him to catch it in the first place. He died on January 4th, again, in my arms. And so, yet another funeral. How the heck was I supposed to cope with this again, and so soon. Marmion was there for me. He called me every day and after the funeral came up to Scotland, flu and all to bring me home. He has hardly left my side since.
This month he moved employment to be with me and we moved in together. We are still establishing the right level of D/s at home for us but we are getting there. It takes time for two people to learn each other even without the D/s. I can see that, perhaps there is a future there. I am certainly willing to put in the effort to make this work for both of us. He has been fantastic to me. I cannot thank him enough. I doubt I would be here right now without his help. I am slowly putting my life back together, albeit in a different shape than it was before. I can smile again. I wake in the morning just glad to be alive, glad to have just one more day out of this life that is mine.
So why do I feel the need to write this now? Because of my Sister in Law who had me in tears again on Friday. Some of the things she said were so cruel and unnecessary. I am trying to move my life ahead, and Marmion is going to be part of that. I wish she could accept that. I know that I still have some days that are better than others but, that, slowly, ever so slowly I'm opening my eyes to life again. Sometimes it's like looking at the Sun, just too intense.
Who is there for me again when I feel down? Who just holds me close when I don't want to speak?
Marmion.
Thank you with all my heart.
Lucky
Edited Tue 1 Mar 05, 1:15 PM by lucky_1
| 1 Mar 05, 1:56 PM Smartarse UK(CM), 7 yrs  |
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Lucky. alex_10m |
| 1 Mar 05, 1:59 PM shullie 11 yrs |
There is not a lot I can say... you have brought tears to my eyes... Life is not easy for many people, for some it can be s**t...as you have found out.. I wish you and Marmion all the love you need.. You have plenty already, long may it continue blessed be... shullie[L]
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| 1 Mar 05, 2:53 PM firemynx_B UK(B), 11 yrs  |
Jeez, that is one hell of a story Lucky, it makes me glad to be alive too. Marmion is your future, it is clear he adores you and you adore him, that takes nothing away from the love you had for your husband, it dosen't have to be compared. Do you honestly think that your husband would want you alone, hurting, not moving on? I don't think he would, I don't know him obviously, but he loved you too much for that, he would want someone there for you. You've made alot of brave choices, don't let people make you feel bad for that, be proud of yourself for being so strong, your an inspiration to others. With hugs
I am where I am because it's where I need to be, when I learn, I WILL move on |
| 1 Mar 05, 3:35 PM PaganDiver UK, 8 yrs |
I hardly know what to reply, your blog moved me so much. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and maybe your pain is lessened by a degree through that sharing. I hope so. But your happiness.... when Godiva and I met you two recently, we were both struck by how right for each other you were. How totally happy you were in each others company. And thats a good thing. There's so much pain in life (as you know) finding happiness is your right and other peoples agendas shouldn't be allowed to mitigate that right. Moving on is never easy - all those feelings of loss and pain and maybe guilt too at feeling the need to move on... but no one who ever loved you would fail to want you to capture whatever happiness you could from that pain. But there. I'm transposing my own feelings and yours isn't an appropriate blog for that. You be as happy as you can and carry on doing what feels right. For all the misfortune you've had - you're well named now. Very best wishes PaganDiver
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| 1 Mar 05, 3:44 PM spero UK, 11 yrs |
Thank you. ....following fluffy white clouds into all sorts of strange places....the last of a million kisses should be just as sweet as the first....Who am I? I am who I am, owner of george, the aspidistra... |
| 1 Mar 05, 3:46 PM mrs_whipkick UK(CB), 8 yrs |
As i said to you in a private memo, and guessed what your sister in law said to you.
But yes while you knew he was ill you had time to grieve time to prepare yourself and knew the outcome was inevitable. And yes it was different than O because it was sudden unexpected a shock.
But we all deal with things in our own pace and how we deal with them is different as well. It doesn't matter if it's a month, two, or six when you feel the time is right to move on. But people do look at you with indifference if the time is a short span. It doesn't mean you never loved that person who died, doesn't mean you think any less of them doesn't mean you miss them any less. You have a right to a live as well, and don't necessarily have to put it on hold as I have done. I thought i could move on a few months ago, but found that I couldn't what I wanted was friends, people to go out to dinner with have a laugh with and not get romantically involved with. The time for that wasn't then, and i still don't know if it is now. i made a judgement of error, in thinking i could have another person in my life when push came to shove I couldn't get involved, it didn't go down to well with some people, it wasn't even anything sexual, he was just someone I wanted to get to know. And at the end of the day I found a good friend, nothing more. In recent weeks have had lots of memo's im's asking me if I'm looking, and the honest answer is I don't know, I really don't know if I'm looking again or not. If I however make a few good friends and then something arises from that then it can only be seen as a good step. Life is to short to sit around and do nothing to end up sad and lonely. So hold on to what you have found and enjoy it and ignore the comments that you got and may get again. Know what you are doing is right for you and hold on to the though that not everyone judges you, and most would/will be happy that you are able to move on. Good luck to both of you. |
| 1 Mar 05, 3:51 PM lucky_1 7 yrs |
Thanks PaganDiver,catch up with you both soon we hope. Mai, I've sent you a memo back too. Only time will help, you don't heal though, you just learn to live with it and hopefully through it. Take care. Hugs. Edited 1 Mar 05, 3:53 PM by lucky_1 |
| 1 Mar 05, 7:08 PM caprycorn 8 yrs |
Wonderful blog. Made me fill up and you'd already told me most of it! you deserve all you have now, you and Marmion love to you both capi xxx My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem |
| 1 Mar 05, 7:10 PM larra_uk 7 yrs |
I remember when my uncle died at the age of 42, about a year later his wife met someone else. My uncles family were furious, citing the old.he isnt cold in his grave rubbish. The thing is no one could doubt how much my auntie had loved my uncle but she had to live too. I have seen two of my cousins die in their thirties, a close friend from school go at 40 with cancer, another go at 38 with the same thing. None of us know how long we have and life is too precious to waste it. Enjoy your life with Marmion, have joy in the fact that you have met someone else that you love and who loves you, some people can go their whole life and not experience what you have experienced twice. Do not let other people who have their perfect little lives still intact get to you. I wish you both all the best. lillyanne xx
No one can be everything to everyone, but everyone wants to be something to someone. Edited 1 Mar 05, 7:12 PM by larra_uk |
| 1 Mar 05, 7:32 PM Jezzebelle UK, 10 yrs |
I am glad that you have found much joy having felt such sorrow... J x Before any word leaves your mouth it must be approved by the three gatekeepers. The first will ask: "Is it true?" The second will ask: "Is it necessary?" The third will ask: "Is it kind?" Anon |
