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| DomThoughts |
on Fri 10 Feb 12, 12:46 PM to DomThoughts's blog.
It is a fair assumption that the majority of women, and quite probably men, when questioned about their desires, wants and needs regarding relationships would respond with some version of the fairy tale that has been sold by Disney et al for pretty much as long as we've been aware of such things.
Admittedly that fairy tale will have a multitude of different factors, your happily ever after might be very different in the details but the overall concept of handsome stranger overcoming adversity in delivering you to your happily ever after hasn't changed in story telling for millennia.
However when faced with real life, with real strangers, we tend to forget this very important storyline. There are a lot of people out there who are looking for love, who are looking for their happily ever after. There are a lot of frogs to be kissed, there are a lot that fall just short of the mark. My view in these conversations has always been that if it was easy to find, it wouldn't have any value. This is the reason that gold has value and air doesn't.
People thrive on adversity, we need to be fighting for something. Whether that is a patch of land, a dragon, or ourselves. In the same way that a new relationship needs to be fighting, the very strongest relationships are the ones where both parties have battled together to achieve some goal. Where both sides have come together to overcome some obstacle.
This is the nature of fairy tales, this is the nature of people. Happily ever after comes because of the dragon, not in spite of it. If it wasn't for the dragon there would just be another notch of a young knight's bedpost. If it wasn't for the dragon the pretty princess would just have another loser to fend off.
The problem is choice. Our evolutionary programming taught us to chose the best we could obtain within our clan. For the hundred thousand years or so that we've been humans that worked fine. Our clan consisted of a few dozen potentials, we chose the best we could get, and procreated.
Technology however has made that choice almost infinite. Looking for love is done in the same way that we look for clothes and buy washing powder. We look at the advertising, check it has the properties we want, and decide whether to buy or not.
So much choice though short circuits the adversity requirement because as soon as we come across someone that we might have to expend some work in achieving we can't be bothered and walk away.
The internet has exacerbated that problem a thousand fold. We see a profile that is promising but doesn't quite fit and we disappear onto the next one. We spend a few hours, days, weeks getting to know someone, and one word, one thought, one intention can bring the whole thing crashing down. Instead of seeing that as an opportunity to grow and develop that relationship by working through the issues we turn tail and move on.
I feel that our unwillingness to fight for the people we find interesting is the reason so many of today's relationships are the unfulfilling empty voids that so many of them become.
So the next time you hear a potential partner say something that you disagree with, maybe something that absolutely puts you off. Don't walk away, don't ditch the potential, fight them for their point of view. Make them fight to keep you and equally fight to keep them.
I believe we should be passionate about the people we find interesting, we should risk looking foolish in the fight to win their affections. Because I believe that the seeds of happily ever after lie in the spit and promises of passionate beginnings.
| 10 Feb 12, 1:02 PM Lj_switch UK, 3 yrs  |
A very thoughtful post. J and I have often discussed the speed with which new relationships seem to go from a standing start to full-blown to dead within weeks. I think you have made a very good point that the internet, which makes it easy to meet a huge number of people at a superficial level, lulls people into a false sense of security, thinking these made-in-a-moment relationships have any solid foundation. When you add the "I want it now" ethos of much of modern life, again reinforced by the instant rewards of computer games, internet shopping etc, the need to work on a relationship is easy to forget. But then we would say that, being boring old farts who have been married a fraction under 40 years. Those who know us will also know that we have had significant turbulence in that time, the 40 years together is not the result of apathy, but true love that we have worked on all that time, to build something secure and treasured. be a switch, double your fun | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 1:16 PM tallulahme UK, 2 yrs |
I too enjoyed this post, and completely agree that if both parties are striving together to overcome adversity, and reach the goal of being together it almost certainly makes them stronger (well those that have the tenacity to face the battles). However for the happily every after there has to be that mutual feeling on both sides, and the knowledge that both parties are pursuing the same goal. I also agree that in this age of technology everything is too simple. A veritable wankfest of thinner, prettier, hunkier, brainier beings always seems to be on offer somewhere, There are certain character traits that I would never see past or be prepared to forgive, things that to many may seem petty and insignificant, i.e chewing your mouth open, foreskins with just a little too much fromage etc! Then where is the line? Does one put up and shut up, leading to stress and even sometimes depression. I (and I am sure many others that post) stayed put in a marriage I barely tolerated for 17 years thinking that I could deal with it, but I couldn't. Now I have to face the fact that that is 17 years of my life wasted, 17 years that I could have been happier had I just thought you know what, I don't like him for "this" reason, and I can't tolerate "that" behaviour. No amount of discussing things would have changed my perception. The technology age has bought us many more options, and I agree alot are not good, but to advocate seeing past things that will start as minor niggles and grow into what you eventually perceive as monstrous character flaws is an interesting concept, and a path that I would probably not follow again.
Edited 10 Feb 12, 1:24 PM by tallulahme | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 1:23 PM Simply_Dee UK, 3 mths |
So very true ! | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 2:06 PM MissP UK(EN), 8 yrs |
Luuurve this. | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 2:09 PM DomThoughts UK(ST), 6 yrs |
I am definitely not advocating any sort of put up and shut up behaviour. I'm saying if there's someone you want, then fight for them. If you have a date with someone who chews with their mouth open (yes, something that drives me nuts too!) then be honest and say so! Now it might be an expression of some character trait of theirs, it might point to deeper lying incompatibilities. Or it might be that they are so in awe of you that they didn't even notice. If its the former, then you'll find out at some point anyway, if its the latter, who knows what you could be walking away from. Put it this way, I know I am much more likely to have a lasting, fulfilling relationship with the woman who has the bottle to tell me to shut my gob when I'm eating, than the one who 'suffers' through it, because I know how niggles turn into major issues and the woman who does that is going to work with me to make that relationship strong and mutually beneficial. I am quite aware that I am an annoying, frustrating, pig of a man at times! If she can't point those annoyances out when she feels them, we'll not last because she's not being honest with either of us. I would (and have!) taken her silence as proof of that. Michael | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 2:26 PM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
' I am an annoying, frustrating, pig of a man at times ' And overly modest it seem's,, a good quality, However i would agree we all have thing's we just don't like and tully put that over well,, i hate seeing a gob full of food and i certainly would not like it spluttered onto my plate and knob yugh ,, yet i do know a few who like it,, yugh yugh !! but withMistress and I's relationship there is so much that could be better health kid's getting their own life etc etc ,, we both know that life is not perfect it is not as advertised,, unfortunatly one feel's that to many people want all the boxes ticked without concidering if they are ticking the other's in the,,, i can live with this person tick box,
Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish Edited 10 Feb 12, 2:27 PM by MisstressvsSolicedog | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 2:32 PM Broken_Doll74 UK(EX), 5 mths |
This is a really interesting subject because to me it's about compromise - what you are, and what you are not, willing to compromise for love. And before you say 'woah there missy - if it's love then compromise is a massive part' I say there are degrees of compromise. I have been in love. Twice. The first time we got married and I was happy. I probably wasn't fulfilled but to be honest I didn't even really know what that meant. We got on really well, we didn't argue, our sex life was fine, we were good friends. When I realised there was way more to life than he and I were experiencing I was immature and ran away culminating in divorce. Several years later and with a new and totally different hat on I fell in love again. This time none of the norms were right yet the love and the connection were incredibly fulfilling. But there was something missing for me - it wasn't even an intangible niggle or that he ate with his mouth open - it was sadly that I thought I could do better. Yes - the internet probably has something to do with that, as does my ever increasing age but I'm not ready to compromise so much that I spend every day thinking 'what if' and 'this isn't working'. Truth is - I'm on my own now and not really even looking. I expect I have set my own personal bar rather too high. In summary - I will compromise on some things. But I don't want to have the muddled head, the feeling that I'm just settling for the sake of it. | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 2:46 PM DomThoughts UK(ST), 6 yrs |
Actually, I think compromise, and 'living with' is a completely different point than what I'm talking about here. My ultimate point here is about honesty, its about saying 'actually, that really pisses me off, and if you do it again, you won't see me for dust' or 'that bugs me, I'd appreciate it if you tried not to' I think compromise is what often comes in place of that. Compromise is what we do about the things that bug us but we don't speak up on. I'm talking about making issues open, whether that is quietly discussing them, or kicking and screaming about them. Make the issues known, make them clear, and it won't be something you need to compromise about. It might even come with the added benefit of making your relationship stronger. Michael | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 3:01 PM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
Ah honesty yes ,, Honesty is somthing i hold to be most important,, providing the honesty is true not some silly quibble that hide's another issue, Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish | |||
| 10 Feb 12, 3:38 PM Lj_switch UK, 3 yrs |
I don't understand the logic here. You openly discuss/kick/scream/whatever that this particular issue is crystal clear, and that means compromise is unnecessary? But if the matter is a deal-breaker for one party, and the other won't go along with it, then the deal (relationship) is over. That is the whole point of compromise, you meet at some mutually acceptable point between the two views, or you must agree to differ and ignore the area of disagreement. Take some simple examples. You want kids. Your partner absolutely does not. No opportunity to compromise. End of relationship, or one of you accepts the other's position. You want a car. Your partner wants a motorbike.(a) you get both or (b) you both use the bus (c) one of you backs down, is the mode of transport that important? You really want the walls of the dungeon red. Your partner wants them purple. So you paint two walls red, the other two purple (I'm colour-blind - do I care if they clash ? ) Would you end the relationship because of a colour clash ? It all comes down to how you view the importance of the issue, compromise involves adjusting your assessment of importance be a switch, double your fun |
