Posted by moon_bean
on Thu 9 Feb 12, 8:52 AM to moon_bean's blog.
well not just yesterday but for a while now I have been trying to please people all around me and now it has spectacularly backfired.
I spent most of yesterday trying to cut off an old bike lock from my bike so I can replace it, at the moment its useless as I don't have the key so am reluctant to go anywhere where I may have to leave it, although it is lovely around here I am not that nieve to think that an unlocked bike will remain insitu for any great length of time.
Because I was busy I didn't respond to a friends text in the way that they thought I should and recriminations followed. Its hard for me to be rebuffed because I do try really hard.
I also turned down an invitation to go out... I have only just become comfortable travelling to the local town or into Manchester without having panic attacks so the thought of going half way around the country and back was not one that filled me with glee. But again I tried to please and again it has backfired.
I guess the problem is I don't know what I want anymore, I can be dominant in physical play but thats all it is 'play' I can weild a flogger (thanks to poi) and restrain people until the cows come home and I enjoy it but equally my emotional nature is not dominant its submissie, and yes that is a made up word but it suits me. I want to please, I want to be looked after outside of 'play', I want someone to care that I go out in warm clothing or that I take care of myself, the aftercare is important on both sides.
Its been a shite week so far and have to just put it down to 'its been a shite week' and move on but I wanted to get some thoughts down and by hook or by crook that fucking bike lock is coming off today 
x
| 9 Feb 12, 9:09 AM DanesWood UK(OL), 4 yrs  |
Why do you need to rush to know what you want? I'm over 2 years since the catastrophic event that changed my life, you're just a few months and I'm still not back to myself. Your friends should understand if you don't jump through their hoops. Let me know if you can't get the chain off and perhaps our mutual friend can help on Saturday.
"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign. Mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." | |
| 9 Feb 12, 9:13 AM MissMorrigan UK(BN), 7 yrs |
What about pleasing YOU, honey? It's nice pleasing people and that by no means is restricted to people of a submissive nature. We'd be hard-assed shitehouses if we didn't care what we did for others pleases them. It is nice to be appreciated regardless of role and sexual ID. I'm confused regarding your friend-text comment... is it simply that you were simply late in responding to their text and they didn't appreciate that (I frequently don't reply to a friend immediately after reading their text b/c often I'm busy and I will reply when able to - occasionally I'll forget so a prompt is appreciated but friends understand that with me) or you'd said something that upset them? Cold, hard words on an impersonal screen frequently fail to deliver the intent or emotion of the person saying them. Which is why it's nice to hear someone's voice and speak to them directly for clarification. They can then also hear those subtle inflections in the way things are said to them. And then there are some people that no matter what you say they'll take umbrage at the least little thing. I'm frequently accused of 'dissecting' conversations... when soemone has written to me and I take the time to reply I move through their email replying to the salient points before adding what else I want to say to them. Some people appreciate that directness, others find it irritating - if it irritates them, we're incompatible. Misunderstandings are easily cleared up with communicating, but it takes two willing persons to do that and work at getting themselves on the same page. If the communications are such that those misunderstandings are frequent then it's clearly a compatibility issue and you'll never find mutual ease with one another. Stop trying so hard to please people. It seems as if you're rushing to find validation through others and you don't need to. Just be you, let people get to know you. Some will like and adore you once they do, others won't and they'll disappear into the ether and good friends will be there no matter what.
You don't need to know what you want at this juncture, you're still finding out. You need to find that ease within yourself and surround yourself with good friends that appreciate the person you are - even if it's to tell you something on occasion you won't like hearing Good luck with the bike, you'll need it LOL The tooth fairy teaches kids to sell body parts for money ~ David Richerby | |
| 9 Feb 12, 3:40 PM Jezzebelle UK, 10 yrs |
"Because I was busy I didn't respond to a friends text in the way that they thought I should... " Are you known for your telepathy? http://www.flickr.com/photos/jezzebelle/ | |
| 9 Feb 12, 6:13 PM GazUK1963 UK(B), 6 yrs |
Do what you want at a pace your are comfortable. Your real friends will understand. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss. Hugs, Gary xxx. Everyone who lives dies, but not everyone who dies has truly lived. | |
| 10 Feb 12, 12:58 AM moon_bean 3 mths |
I would just like a good time, kind of fuck the labels for a bit and just find my feet. However if there is anyone with a pair of bolt cutters I will gladly lay down my life... yep... bike lock is still on regardless of hammer. | |
| 10 Feb 12, 10:42 AM Caracal UK(SS), 5 yrs      |
My tagline says 'labels are for jamjars'.
Labels are for jamjars. | |
| 10 Feb 12, 10:45 AM moon_bean 3 mths |
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