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| Kitty_Fantastico |
on Wed 8 Feb 12, 11:27 AM to Kitty_Fantastico's blog.
...but I'm beginning to realise that's possibly my only option if I want to continue with kink in my life.
Yes, I am being melodramatic and illogical..but at the moment it all just feels pretty hopeless and depressing and I'm crap at being patient.
When I first discovered IC, the scene (both offline and online) I was like a kid in a candy store. I couldnt believe Id found somewhere or people that just accepted me for me. Where I could be myself, do the things I'd always wanted to and find and be with men who didnt just put up with that but positively embraced it - and who I found hugely attractive etc.
But now I'm beginning to realise its not so great, its doesnt solve all my problems - infact it throws up a million new ones. I now know that many many sub men dont like that side of them, are ashamed of it, resent it, hate it are very angry about it...and that all to often they project that onto their dominant partners. This isnt a moan about fantasists or time wasters (as annoying as they are), this is a realisation that all to often the men I find attractive - hate the things I love in them - so in turn are never going to love me, or see me as anything more than a sexual thrill.
I have spotted a pattern..many men in their 20's and 30's are open and genuine in so many ways - but D/s or kink is just a last exploration before they settle down with a good girl, a vanilla. Then later on when men hit their 40's and 50's they realise its not something to hate or be ashamed of and look for kinky partners again...although I'm sure some of them havent really come to terms with it.
I know some people have over come these things and are very happy in loving relationships that incorporate D/s or kink to some degree. But more often I see people with a non-kinky (or certainly non BDSM) primary partner and then others to fulfil their BDSM needs. This seems to be particuarly true for dominant women.
Are sub men (at least most of them) fundamentally unable to come to terms with that side of them and therefore unable to love a dominant woman? I currently feel as though I have two choices, find a vanilla partner and have the love and romantic things - or find someone who welcomes D/s and not get the love or romance.
I know there are people on here who constantly go on about how we shouldnt divide people as vanilla and non-vanilla - and that a large percentage of vanillas are kinky and welcome exploration of that. Well dominant men might be able to find women who would be classed as "vanilla" but who are open to kinky play - but I can assure you the reverse is not true. Yes, I'm sure if I signed up to a vanilla dating site I'd stumble across a few sub men - but most men would describe me as bossy, a whore/nympho, easy, controlling, naggy, clingy....and quite possibly a sick and twisted freak (Ive had that before).
I know I'm being a demanding Domme again and asking for the moon on a stick...but I just want to think that at some point I can meet someone who likes, loves and respects me for me. Who wants me to use and abuse them in the bedroom, but cuddle them on the sofa, who wants to call just to hear my voice, who wants to please me and make me happy - not just because that might get them off.
But then if that never happens, I'm buying a big run down old farm and filling it with cats 
| 8 Feb 12, 11:52 AM Amante_Velora UK(SW), 22 mths  |
'twas ever thus. It's one of the reasons why I stopped looking. ***Disclaimer: I accept no liability for the content of this post, or for the consequences of any misconstruction taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing. Please do not ask for credit as a punch in the mouth will often offend*** | |
| 8 Feb 12, 12:04 PM tanken UK(NR), 2 yrs |
There is also an opposite to what you said about sub men and that is those who have had vanilla relationships but for whom the desire for a kink relationship has got stronger as they have got older  Happiness is a warm bum | |
| 8 Feb 12, 12:43 PM Gabriel_Fallen UK(WS), 4 mths |
Well, read it, read it again just to make sure, messaged you and leaving a quick note here, I am a switch, I go Dom or sub depending on my partner, for me vanilla can be and in my eyes should be a part of the kink, there's nothing wrong with the romantic and flirty aspects either, IF I ever find a Domme that can look hot, play dirty and rough, make me feel used and abused but cuddle after, make me feel wanted, loved and even be a little romantic. .. well, I would be a very happy sub indeed but then again, that's why I usually Dom sub women rather than go through the stress of getting attatched to a Domme that doesn't get me and sods me off after a few months lol, I find sub women understand my mentality and love me more for it. | |
| 8 Feb 12, 1:08 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs       |
Me too, Kitty. Do you want to share the farm? But only if it has a dungeon.
In all seriousness, though, I've learned to take things as they come and be happy in the moment. Things are what they are in a moment in time and evolve constantly. Someone who you think might be unsuitable might be the one who makes you happiest for the longest.
As for giving up....It is tempting. Like others, I pretty much have, too. But I think karma has a way of working - but you do still need to be out and about for it to work.
@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, March 2, 2012 and the first Friday of every month! | |
| 8 Feb 12, 9:55 PM purgamentum UK, 3 yrs |
You don't have to be crazy cat lady, you could get a dog instead. "I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it." Edgar Allan Poe | |
| 9 Feb 12, 2:20 PM Gabriel_Fallen UK(WS), 4 mths |
She could always get me a muzzle and make me bark, wins on all fronts there
Thankyou for your concern padre but I do not seek forgiveness for my transgressions, nor do I repent for they are all I have left. |
