Casual play partners getting too attached. (32)

This^^ Also, I think your wife is probably stunned over the whole thing - that it could escalate into such a tragedy. And as the Domme, it is possible that she wonders if she could have done things to prevent it or spotted it. Or if she should have played with him at all. She has lost a friend too - in fact, it might, to her, seem like she has pretty much lost a lot of her close adult friends if she feels you are jumping ship too.

I would really imagine she needs you, and it sounds like you are taking her for granted. She could have gone, you know.

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month!
Road Trip to the Sea!!! The October trip has tJust elapsed...More info here.

My wife has said she'll respect my decision either way. And it's unlikely that she'll be able to avoid him completely, as we go to the same clubs and munches. Having just chosen BDSM over his marriage, I really can't see him quitting at this point. So unless we stop going to local events, she's going to see him around.

We already found out about the rock turning into a hard place (a lovely turn of phrase ) A few people have copped for the fall-out, some worse than us. We had the frantic texts, the paranoia when he felt we were ignoring him and the major emotional episodes if, through some misunderstanding, he thought he'd been shunned or passed over for someone better. We were always the ones that he turned to when his home life wasn't going according to plan, and if we weren't there to respond to the drama, things would often turn explosive. It was exactly that sort of event that led to the blow up over Christmas. If my wife had responded to the text message sympathetically and on time, then the incident would never have happened. She doesn't feel that she should be burdened with that kind of responsibility, and she's absolutely right.

Back to his intentions, a part of me says that if fancying your other half is grounds for ending a friendship, then I should have terminated my longest standing friendship (someone I've known since I was about 6 months old) a long time ago. I don't think he ever made a play for her. It was all in his mind. I don't even believe that he covets my wife specifically. He just wants a woman in his life who accepts him for who he is. Something that his own wife, in spite of best efforts, has never been able to do. Maybe some day, he'll find the one.

you said as i understood it that your mate was trying to separate you from your wife,,

thsi is beyound having a fancy for your wife,

he wanted her, you stated it,

it is obvious that your friend is a single minded selfish,jelious, needy, type who want's what he want's

fuck everyone else,,

can you not see it ,,, can you really not see,,

even though people here have given good advice you are still wittering on about 'your poor' mate.

so you have known him since a babe,,

so what,,

i,m sure Harold Shipman had kept friend's since childhood,, ( ok bad analogy but yer get me drift )

prehaps you should leave your wife and move in with him,

from your post's you are not makeing any sense,

yes you may see him at club's or munches but if you wander off talking to him especialy if your wife is feeling upset on completly different unralted matter's believe me you will hurt her,,

regardless of what she is saying to you,,

and if you are so stupid to believe that driving little wedge's into your relationship don't matter because 'he was your mate for so long'

won't slowly cause upsets then your a fool,,

a little talk at the club a smile from him towards you both because he wants to say sorry make up etc etc,,

your wife don't want to know so the club starts becomeing a place she dont want to go,,

from your post's you are exuding far more sympathy and feeling's of lost comfort etc etc for your mate than you are of the most important relationship of your life,,

Wake up that man !!

stroof !!

Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish

Edited 31 Jan 12, 4:37 PM by MisstressvsSolicedog

Great sentiments ^^

I wish there were more men about like @Mistressvseasterdog... men with the same level of committment and loyalty to their partner as he clearly has towards his (that's the point, isn't it, SHE (your wife) is your partner!).

I also agree with someone who earlier said that when she said: "It's your decision" perhaps you should do what she's doing and not scuttle back to your estranged friend. Don't alienate your wife.

@The_Problem_Page
I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting".
So many haystacks, so few needles!

I think we've crossed posts in a couple of places here, as I wrote my last reply quite a while before it was posted.

Just to clarify a few more points.

My wife and I have a frank relationship. We nearly ended our marriage a few years ago over various unspoken resentments, so we now have an understanding that, if something's wrong, then we tell each other about it. We don't say 'nothing' and then expect the other one to read between the lines. So if she tells me that she's okay with me continuing the friendship, I accept that at face value. If she had a problem with it, then she would tell me.

The friend who first fancied her was someone else entirely. He's my best friend who I grew up with. He took a shine to her from the first time I introduced her to him, well over a decade ago. It was quite obvious, even though he newer made any advances. The point here being that if I went around binning off my friends because they fancied my wife, then I'd no longer be speaking to my best friend. The fact that I have kept in touch hasn't caused a problem in ten years of marriage.

As I said last time, I don't think this guy was so much in love with my wife as in love with the idea of a woman who will accept him, with all of his strange ways (that are actually all pretty tame in our little world.) As I explained in a previous post, it was his wife that told me he was infatuated with mine. He has outright denied it.

Sadly, while I think there's potential for him to find someone who'll embrace the BDSM side, I think he's going to struggle to find someone who accepts the irrational behaviour, mood swings and jealousy. If they are character traits rather than a transient emotional problem, then he's really going to struggle to find anyone who can cope with him.

I came here asking for advice, and I'm not going to fight it. The majority seem to be saying 'steer clear and make new friends', and that is seeming like the most sensible course of action at this point. My common sense side has been telling me that all along. The trouble is that I value friendship and I don't let it go easily.

So all of the information came from the man's wife? What about the mood swings and jealousy? Was it only his wife who was saying that, or was it causing problems irl between your wife and him? Only you really know all the details.

Maybe...just Maybe....if ALL of it came from the guy's wife, then I might relent and think differently. That sounds like jealousy from another angle.

I do feel sorry for your friend, too. I know people like that, who just want really not very much to be happy but don't get it from their partners. And I know how easy it is to make a Domme an obsession - those little tasks can take on a lot of significance.

What *I* would do, if I were in your situation is weigh up the probability of future hurt. Try and picture the different scenarios which could happen and the results of them. Then, ask yourself if it is worth it. Not only for YOU or your wife, but also what is better for your friend. It is possible, isn't it, to stay friends and never do things as 2 couples again? Your wife doesn't have to go if you go out for a beer with him. There are different ways to do it if you (and your wife) think it's appropriate.

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month!
Road Trip to the Sea!!! The October trip has tJust elapsed...More info here.

I really seem to be doing a terrible job of getting the facts across here.

The only thing that is second-hand from the wife is that he was in love with my wife and scheming to run away with her. Everything else: the irrational behaviour, severe mood swings, jealousy of other play partners and a tendency towards self-destruction, we witnessed first hand. It would explain a lot if he was infatuated with her, and I honestly believe that he was. What I'm not sure is whether he was besotted with her as a person, or simply in love with the idea of a woman who could accept the real him. His wife reckons it's the former. He protests that it's the latter.

I honestly don't believe there's much potential for future hurt, though there's plenty of scope for hassle and aggravation. It's quite possible that, one day, my wife will find that she'd rather spend the rest of her life with someone other than me. I'd bet everything I value that it won't be this guy though. Maybe one day she will forgive, but she will never forget.

this,,

Do you want a friend who is quite possibley a manic depressive,

that is not dealing with his problem,,

and to whom has personality trait's that have had a very negetive effect to all those around him,,

despite the help love and support of all those around him,,

What are the chance's of simlar/disimlar instance's happening again by assoccastion with him,, low-med-high,,

If some-one has problems and they do not deal with it,,

and remembering his problem's knocked into you and your friends live's affecting far more people than just a few,

Then avoid them by a wide berth and let them know why !

dont lie,, by telling someone straight that you know and they know they have a problem

without getting the proper help you don't want to know,

that far better encouragement than pandering to his symptom's,

Inrelation to your not wanting to give a friend up well,, the best advice you can give to him as a friend is,

get help or fuck-off,

nasty as that sound's unless he wake's up he will continue messing up the life's of those around him.

Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish

The likelihood that he's manic depressive (they seem to prefer 'bipolar' these days) had crossed my mind, but to me, it's a reason for cutting him some slack. Too many people walk away from others because they have baggage or mental health problems. I prefer to be supportive where I can, but with a sensible degree of detachment. I'm well aware of how contagious mental health problems can be at close quarters.

I haven't done the 'get help or fuck off' speech, but I have done the 'get help' one, and he did listen. I have always been frank with him and told him when he was behaving unacceptably. If I'm not entitled to be jealous when my wife plays with other people (as is our mutually agreed understanding) then he sure as hell doesn't have the right, and I've told him that in no uncertain terms.

Even anonymously, I don't want to divulge too many of the details, but he had at least taken his problem to his GP and seemed to be moving in the right direction. Obviously he wasn't getting there fast enough to prevent things from exploding over Christmas. That time of year adds pressures of its own.

I know with addiction, it's often said that people won't want to recover unless you remove all support and allow them to hit rock bottom. But I'm not sure that the same applies in cases of mental or emotional health problems.

And maybe that finally sums up the ethical side of my dilemma properly. I can play it safe, but have the fact that I walked away from a friend in need on my conscience. Or I can show a bit of compassion, knowing full well that I may live to regret it.

When you put it like that.....I firmly believe that a person needs to do what they can. A wrong decision made for the right reasons is one thing. Regret over not doing something and later deciding you should - you can never undo that.

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month!
Road Trip to the Sea!!! The October trip has tJust elapsed...More info here.