The_Problem_Page's profile . The_Problem_Page group posts
Posted by The_Problem_Page on Mon 30 Jan 12, 6:27 AM to the The_Problem_Page group.
Anon OP
I'm writing this anonymously, not to protect myself, but rather for the other people who were involved. Things have become quite fraught already, and I don't want to make matters worse by airing anyone's dirty laundry in public. Some of the details have been changed slightly, again in the hope of protecting people's identities, but the important stuff is still there.
My wife and I have not been into BDSM for a particularly long time, and six months ago (when this was all starting) we were still both quite naive. My wife wanted to explore her dominant side and agreed to take on a male submissive. They went into this on the understanding that this was a play relationship and most certainly was not exclusive. She made it plain that she would be playing with others.
The person in question became a close friend outside of the BDSM world too. Dinner and movie nights with him and his wife round at theirs or at ours (she was begrudgingly tolerant of his BDSM activities and did not participate.) Kids going to each other's birthday parties etc. But we started to be troubled by the way that the BDSM side was going. There was starting to be some jealousy if my wife was doing things with other people, and an expectation that certain dates and times would be reserved for him.
With hindsight, having watched the whole thing go nuclear and having spoken to others about it, that should have been the sign to put a stop to the whole thing. But we (naively again) thought that we could work through the jealousy. It seemed to come in fits and spurts, and tended to be more a reaction to how his home life was going at the time. Trouble with work or the wife would make his BDSM persona a lot clingier and more possessive. At other times, it was still relaxed, casual and fun.
It all blew up over Christmas, with him leaving his wife and kids and my wife catching the fall-out as 'the other woman.' He'd seemingly got it into his deluded mind that one day she would leave me and run off into the sunset with him. It was never going to happen, and in the early days was probably more an escape fantasy from his own life. The trouble was that it seemed to become more and more real to him over time.
So why am I writing this? Well partly as a warning to others. It turns out that this sort of thing is very common once you talk to people with more experience, and perhaps it's worth getting the word out there so that people can look for the warning signs. There's also an element of personal conflict on my part - my wife wants nothing more to do with him, and by rights I should probably hate him for scheming to break up my marriage. On the other hand, I know he was severely emotionally disturbed at the time, and way out of control. Underneath it all, I still think he's a decent guy, and prior to all of this, he was also my best friend on the fet scene, and one of my better friends outside of it.
So is the sensible thing to cut all ties and just walk away? Acknowledge him politely if we see him at events in future, but otherwise do our best to keep our distance? Or do I forgive his transgression because of his mental health at the time, and try to rekindle a non-fet based friendship that I honestly miss? I really want to do the latter, but I feel like I'm playing with fire. My wife says I'm free to make my own decision and she will respect it either way, but there's the obvious extra complication that she doesn't particularly want to see him.
I would welcome honest advice.
| 30 Jan 12, 9:30 AM Purvection UK(M), 8 yrs      |
Firstly, I'd just say it's only a month since Christmas. If you really want to rekindle your friendship with this man you have to let the dust settle first. Your wife is angry, his wife is angry and he is clearly emotionally unsettled just now. At best, the only thing you can do right now is text him to say you'd like to stay friends but for now you can't see him. And suggest that he and his wife may benefit from some counselling - but be tactful about that. I was once in a similar position - I had a play partner on the side, which my then-top was fine with but he got too attached to me and there was jealousy on his side - not of my top but he couldn't stand that I might be playing with others. It got ugly when he threatened violence against someone I was talking to about doing a scene with. I ended the relationship abruptly and cut him out completely. After a gap of several years, I had to resume contact for practical reasons (too complicated to explain here) and have stayed in sporadic touch since then but it's arm's length - just on Fetlife and Twitter - and we'll only ever be distant sort-of-friends now. My top, on the other hand, never played with someone more than twice, precisely to prevent any attachment in the first place. The trick, I think, is to find a happy medium with a regular play partner who is emotionally secure and balanced. However much a play arrangement can be good, eruptions like this will occur when one or both parties get fixated to the point that their other relationships are affected negatively. Maybe once the dust has settled you can meet your friend for beers or go to the footy together - that way your wife won't have to see him if she doesn't want to. There's also the children - you mention both yours and theirs were friends and went to each other's birthday parties. You may need to figure out a way for children to remain friends as it would be unfair on them if they were to suffer as a consequential result.
Aut disce aut discede. Manet sors tertia caedi | |
| 30 Jan 12, 3:53 PM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
Ok,, this guy you got invloved with,, had obviously wanted his wife to play, she allowed him to play away to keep him happy, she did not want to play nor did she, prehaps she could not have felt overly happy with aspect's of what was going on. but did'nt want to lose her husband. Prehap's she felt insecure,, and by 'keeping an eye' on him was better than him running off, he could have played his relationship quite different but frankly ( due to later events ) he is obviously very manipulative, He became part of your play and friendship but chose instead to try and take your wife away,, thus ruining a friendship relationship and family,, and what of your children and house ? he ruined he friendship relationship and family with his own family, because he wanted to be a slave,, because he wanted to be a sub, because he wanted what he wanted, So what does that tell you, Of course he wants to be your mate,, your wifes a Domme,, he want's a Domme,, fuck you,,, your just a lever to get where he want's to be,, THINK ABOUT IT AND STOP BEING BLOODY STUPID,, IF YOU HAD CANCER WOULD TREAT IT AS 'AWW POOR THING'' LATCHED ONTO ME BECAUSE IT NEEDS A HOME !! this guy is a Cancer to what and whom he touch's,, behind that smile and friendship is a malignant desease wanting to latch on,,, Yes you may well want a pal to hang out with but your wife and family come first,, you may make a new friend who will take what's on offer without over stepping boundrie's your wife is your best friend first,, not some decieving back stabbing bastard out to wreck your marrage,, with a smile picture living alone,, coming home to an emty flat/bedsit because some scum has taken all you loved from you,, and in there yer have yer answer.
Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish Edited 30 Jan 12, 3:55 PM by MisstressvsSolicedog | |
| 30 Jan 12, 5:20 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs  |
You have received some good advice, so far. Btw... I think we only feel that we have been naive when we don't listen to our gut instinct and think we should try to do what reason tells us is "the nice thing/the adult thing". Sometimes, the adult thing to do is to walk away. Listen to your conscience, what is preferable:
or...
Trustworthy friends are a rare and finite resource, do you think he can be one? @The_Problem_Page | |
| 30 Jan 12, 6:55 PM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
Anonymous reply from an IC member (not the OP). You say that you feel like you are playing with fire. That sounds like an understatement to me! I would put this down to experience and put a distance between you and him and move on quickly. To invite someone you (now) know to be having marital difficulties and mental health issues, into your kinky and vanilla lives (and possobly into your marriage)is more than extremely explosive. You yourself use the word nuclear! For probably good intentions at the outset, the result is that the previous friendship cannot ever be the same and the other family need to concentrate on rebuilding their family with you and your reluctant wife out of it. He doesnt needs a friend like you at the moment. You hopefully have learned some lessons? | |
| 30 Jan 12, 6:58 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs      |
Harsh but +1.
ETA: I might not go as far as the cancer analogy but he was willing to risk both families including two sets of children. @Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month! Edited 30 Jan 12, 6:59 PM by Ama_Sidero | |
| 30 Jan 12, 8:57 PM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
Reply from Anon OP Thank you everyone for your responses thus far. Mostly, it would seem, advising me to run a mile. I'd just like to clear up a few points, in case they put a different spin on things. First of all, I was friends with this individual before he had even really spoken with my wife. Either he had designs on her before he'd even met her, or this was not his plan from the outset. I honestly believe the latter. Some of the replies have seemed to assume that he would be getting back with his wife. I don't think that's about to happen. She holds a lot of resentment for his BDSM activities, but it's something he feels overwhelmingly driven to pursue. I think she's tolerated a lot based on fear of the loss of him and his income, but now that she's dealing with the reality, I can see her carrying on in that direction. He was very much on self-destruct by the end of all this. Destroying friendships and relationships was part and parcel of that. I also only have his wife's word that he was infatuated with mine. He denies it, so perhaps it was wrong of me to present it as fact. Then again, it does conveniently explain the inappropriate jealousy. I do not consider him a threat to my marriage at this point, simply because my wife is fed up with the whole thing. She'd probably run off with Harold Shipman in preference. And he's dead. The kids were never really that close. In truth, they'd met less than a dozen times, though they did seem to get on well. Ours is certainly saddened that he won't be seeing the others again, but I'm sure he'll move on. It really isn't a major concern. At the same time, whatever the outcome, I don't think it's appropriate for us to make contact with his wife again, and since the kids have stayed with her, I think that's pretty much the end of that. So now it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am. The problem is that I like him and think he's a decent but troubled individual. Perhaps once he's settled down on his own, he'll be more stable. No doubt it'll be a headache again if it goes tits-up in the future, but I'm not sure I'm risking anything beyond having to deal with more stress. | |
| 30 Jan 12, 9:06 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
You sound like a good friend to have... So, whilst you have defended him (having also asked what you should do, suggesting you have doubts), does your wife mind if you venture back into a friendship with him again? Is that likely to cause issues for you both? If your friend is feeling totally isolated is it going to put you under more pressure to be his confidant? If you value his friendship and he values yours... who of us can say whether you should maintain it or not? The decision is yours but, be very wary of being the rock for someone, it can turn into a hard-place. Good luck. @The_Problem_Page | |
| 31 Jan 12, 9:38 AM Imagination42 UK(BS), 4 yrs  |
Reading the original post. People types, (I don't know this person anymore than you have told us) There will always be those who get jealous or possesed about a situation,either silently or outwardly, they often can be imaginative , and sometimes manipulative wether it be someone having something "better than them" or better than their current situation. These people who are natuarlly jealous will devise ways of getting what they want. This is not a problem necessariliy unless it comes between two people in a very well established relationship. if you know their operational characeture, then you can keep your eye on it, but it is a part of their characeture that anyone will have great difficulty in ever adjusting.It probably if you look hard goes back to activity around them between conception and the age of 7. If your out to try altering the status quo with them it will probably fail, somewhere in the future, when their need becomes greater to them than your worth, as a friend. That is when it will change and it has here acording to what is written. Foundation of the tower on which the relationship was built has gone, or atleast partly mostly been disturbed. You would need to start again on a new foundation for this relationship with him. Quote from previous So now it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am. The problem is that I like him and think he's a decent but troubled individual. Perhaps once he's settled down on his own, he'll be more stable. No doubt it'll be a headache again if it goes tits-up in the future, but I'm not sure I'm risking anything beyond having to deal with. You know him best, you have a friendship with him we do not totally understand,it seems to go back a fair way if your happy to continue that and to some extent support him in his current situatiion, its not affecting your marriage or family and you want to do that, do it would be my advice. As I say to my men at work," you make the decision, think about it when you have decided, do it, and when its wrong you only have yourself to recon with, providing its well thought through I will probably support you in your decision" Regards A An interesting mind is an open mind and an honest mind . Edited 31 Jan 12, 9:47 AM by Imagination42 | |
| 31 Jan 12, 10:02 AM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
It sound's like your fairly sorted out,, on a point of friendship,, a true friend ,, you v=can have and not see for a year or 5 because it make's little difference,, that feelings still there, on the point of your wife,, i suggest you read man from mars and women from venus, because my wife is fed up with the whole thing, she's washed her hands of him,, she dosent want to know, yet in term's of your friendship with him you 'do as you please' that means a damn site more than four word's,, through all these event's of a man trying to split you from your wife children your spouse from her and family and home,, Yet how much love and support have you given you wife for her loyalty her standing by you,, the insult thrown down at her feet by his ex,, the hurt your wife feels i mean did you fight to preserve what you have,, without regard for there being people involved,, i only say this because you are thinking of your friend,, yet your talk of your wife seem's to be less,, look through your word's,, are you takeing your relationship with your wife as set in stone, because i,m sure that by arranging a weekend away for you both,, haveing a bit of You time as partners as friends as lovers is called for,, not thinking about a mate that was !! and that might be again,, foolish thought's,,
Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish Edited 31 Jan 12, 10:21 AM by MisstressvsSolicedog | |
| 31 Jan 12, 12:56 PM Shypeachybottom UK, 20 mths |
Okay, you've asked for views, so here are mine... Your wife is/should be your best friend, she comes first (along with your children). Focus on her/them for now. She is fed up with this drama, no doubt she also feels on some level a bit of doubt or guilt as to whether her playing with this man precipitated the break-up of his mariage. As @Mistressvseasterdog said, your wife is fed up with the whole thing and has said "do as you please". How can I put this politely? "Do as you please" carries a subtext.. "do as you please - but be aware that I am watching you and looking at how you take my interests into account" if you will In her shoes, I would be absolutely stunned (and distressed) that you still want to be friends with the man who tried to break up her mariage. hello??? he tried to break up your mariage. Do I need to repeat it? Have you thought about how your wife feels?? For now... focus on your wife and children Tell him that for now, you can't be friends because - be blunt - he was trying to break up your mariage and run off with your wife, you can't trust him. Tell him that maybe, in time, you might be able to develop a new, different friendship, but that for now, out of respect for your wife, you don't want to be (or can't be) involved with him. And this is not because your wife has asked you not to, but because she is your best friend and you respect her wishes and concerns and your top priority is your family. There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me |
