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adding a 3rd to a D/s relationship (70)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

4 Feb 12, 11:33 AM
JohnnyTooBad
UK(SY), 5 yrs

Having had two very different experiences of this,one wonderful and the second is responsible for the end of a 7 year marriage,I would say you are playing with fire. Ask yourself how much you want this and whether it is worth risking all you have now for it.

Sex and drugs and rock'n'roll is very good indeed! (Ian Dury)...... "He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man"...( Mr Thompson) It's a thin line between clever and stupid. (Nigel Tufnel..Spinal Tap )...Good Lord,that's moist ! (Miranda)

4 Feb 12, 1:24 PM
Meistre
UK(NR), 2 yrs

Black0rchid wrote:
On a positive note I think there are reasons why poly relationships work, but on a negative note, the desire to "have your cake and eat it" isn't one of them...

^^^ I'll go with this, wise words indeed.

A_Very_Good_Girl wrote:
I have the sneaking suspicion this is just the bloke trying to have his cake and eat it.

I think this may more than a sneaking suspicion as well, lying feckers

I've thought about poly, in fact I think a lot of men fantasise about it. Reality though is lots of hard work, lots of communication, lots of negotiating, lots of tears and a very high risk of failure.

I know of 2 poly's amongst my friends; I also know of lots of failures....

Omnia vincit amor

4 Feb 12, 2:35 PM
mia

UK(M), 4 yrs

Endings aren't always sad or failures. You could always go down the route of a timed relationship, whereby you all agree things will end in x months/weeks time. This would allow you all to go back to being friends/strangers at the end of it, with no terrible risk of bad feeling. Using this doesn't mean you couldn't renew it for another set period of time, or cut it short if it really wasn't working, but there's no rule i know of that says in order for a relationship to be 'successful' that it must last forever.

Discuss with your current partner all wants, needs, worries, questions, etc. Work out what you might want. Find someone who you can honestly explain what you want and who is prepared/happy to be a part of this and be prepared to check in lots with all three of you for the first few times of play/sex/cuddles/affection/etc.

Relationships need work, relationships with more people need more work. Relationships are fun, relationships with more people can be more fun too.

Good luck in however you go forward with this and hope you have fun!

Now where were we? Ah, yes - abject humiliation!
@Modified_Bodies
@O_and_P
@LGB_Forum

4 Feb 12, 5:36 PM
Rhoobarb
UK(FK), 12 yrs

mia wrote:
Endings aren't always sad or failures. You could always go down the route of a timed relationship, whereby you all agree things will end in x months/weeks time. This would allow you all to go back to being friends/strangers at the end of it, with no terrible risk of bad feeling. Using this doesn't mean you couldn't renew it for another set period of time, or cut it short if it really wasn't working, but there's no rule i know of that says in order for a relationship to be 'successful' that it must last forever.

I very much like this idea. If things aren't working out then everything just comes to an end at the pre-agreed time with no-one feeling guilty over 'spoiling it' and if things are working well then another three/six months (or whatever) can be negotiated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

4 Feb 12, 7:16 PM
littlenic
5 yrs

Rhoobarb wrote:

I don't really see how that doesn't risk bad feeling though, if one side wants to renew and one side wants to finish things... It's just having a set date to be dumped, rather than it happening out of the blue!

4 Feb 12, 7:28 PM
mia

UK(M), 4 yrs

littlenic wrote:

Rhoobarb wrote:

Well there is that, of course, but if all parties are going into it already thinking about the end of it all then the end itself isn't a sign of a failure of the relationship. It lets all parties know that this isn't a forever thing right from the start. I think it also allows an easier get out, cos sometimes the worst thing can be if people don't know how to end stuff they're not happy with and this forces that, rather than relying on 'finding the right moment'.

Now where were we? Ah, yes - abject humiliation!
@Modified_Bodies
@O_and_P
@LGB_Forum

4 Feb 12, 7:35 PM
littlenic
5 yrs

mia wrote:

littlenic wrote:

Rhoobarb wrote:

I'm sure it does have advantages. Though I must say, both times I was a "third" to an existing relationship, it never started out so clearly or in a negotiated way in any sense. Both were play events that happened once, twice... more... with organic growth, rather like most regular relationships. I'm not sure how, in any relationship, I'd take to a conversation of the, "Let's do this for three months and then take stock" kind. It's okay when I'm renting a flat, I'm not so fond of the idea otherwise!

I can see that this kind of negotiation may have more place in an upfront, "Come and join our relationship" type thing, if you're openly looking for that and it's quite a cold rational decision you've made to do that. But like I say, neither time I did it was it what the couple in question had intended, I think.

As for difficulty in ending it - yup, one of the joys of relationships. To be honest, hitting a deadline might enable the "it's over" conversation to happen, but I doubt it would lessen any of the discomfort if there any mismatch in expectations. The logic of "but we set this date" really doesn't pay any attention to the emotions of the heart.

4 Feb 12, 7:50 PM
SDWsdw
UK(NW), 5 yrs

Souci_X wrote:
Lots of personal opinion and feeling here so sorry for that in advance.

First you need to work out what it is that you want, both members of the relationship. As has been said if both aren't on board it won't work. Poly won't fix a broken relationship it will shine a light on the cracks. Often you find a dominant male just wants another woman around because that makes them feel hyper masculine or some other such crap. The female doesn't often count for much in that situation and may go along with things to please. The other problem I have found is no clear idea about how the dynamics will work in practice. So yes, first find out what you want.

Second find out what you need from the other person and more importantly what you can offer them. Why will poly work out better for you, what is so brilliant about you as a couple that a person will want to join you and all the potential problems that may lead to. Once you know that then you can think about this, very few people like being called a 'third' or 'secondary' if you are after a triad relationship then you want equality as the goal. If you don't want that kind of formation, perhaps the person joining you does not want to be 'in' the relationship to the same extent or maybe they have their own relationship and you are a part time thing. Then you can think in terms of less significance. Having been in poly relationships I can tell you it is hard enough knowing you are less important without being reminded.

Third remember it is a new relationship, it doesn't matter how long you have been with your partner the person coming in to your relationship is coming in from scratch there needs to be time to get to know each other, you can't expect it to go from zero to perfect in seconds. You need to put in the time and effort to make sure that the relationship starts on strong foundations.

Fourth NEVER EVER EVER get the person joining you involved in your arguments, do not bitch about your preexisitng partner because it always ends up in blame being given to the person who has joined (I was apparently manipulative) its really not fair, because any advice given by the new coming can instantly be turned against them (this advice goes to the newcomer too, always walk away from crap like this)

Fifth communicate, always about everything. People talk about how bad jealousy is, its no worse than any other emotion and ignoring it is the worst thing you can do. It may be that it comes from insecurity that can be worked on or there could be something wrong/missing that needs fixing. Talking is so crucial.

Sixth, routines, maybe date nights etc that can help with both the pre-existing and new relationships. Remembering there are loads of different set ups, its good to sort out ways of keeping everything fresh.

People say 'poly relationships break up all the time' gotta be honest so do mono ones. The problem is people get so caught up in the difference of it they forget the basics, if you look at the advice I have given most of it can be applied to other areas of life, people seem to just forget it all.

Thanks for taking the time to offer your opinion on poly relationships. I found your views and suggestions very useful, and has given me food for thought ! !

5 Feb 12, 7:51 PM
Souci_X
UK(BA), 5 yrs

Switch_Daddy_Warrior wrote:

Thanks for taking the time to offer your opinion on poly relationships. I found your views and suggestions very useful, and has given me food for thought ! !

Oh, thank you, just noticed this, glad it made some sense

8 Feb 12, 10:05 PM
secretsmile_101
UK(M), 18 mths

I was a second sub in a D/s relationship last year. I started a thread on IC because I found it difficult to meet and speak with other people who were in the same situation which would have been useful and interesting for me. I guess the initial post sums up the ups and downs of our set up pretty well. (Which to sum up briefly was that I didn't see or play with anyone else, I still lived in my own place and we met up about 2 or 3 times a week.)

Though of course it will be different for everyone and it depends on what kind of set up, if any, you go for.

Hope this helps somewhat. : )

@LGB_Forum

Edited 8 Feb 12, 10:07 PM by secretsmile_101

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