adding a 3rd to a D/s relationship (70)

how it works for me? It was a bit weird to start off with as i'd never really considered poly. i liked Sarahs_desire, we got on really well, and it just sort of happened really. I knew what i was walking into, i knew about her first sub.. and seem to remember on one of our many msn conversations, that he knew about me, and the possibilities (to which i wasn't aware of at the time.. after all Sarahs_desire maintained that she was definately straight! and i was not.. i thought nothing more than friendship was in line) I work away from them, as there is a lot of distance between us, and the job i do is such that i work odd hours.This can lead to me either not being able to see Sarahs_desire for up to 3 weeks or being with her every weekend. that part i believe is the worst bit of the relationship, but short of me quitting my job (which i am considering!) that cannot be helped. She meets all of my needs both emotionally, and physically. we have little chats ALL the time about where things stand now, how i feel etc. i still feel insecure slightly that the relationship will brake up, or that the first sub might not really want me in it. but the first sub and i have had chats as well, and he has assured me that it is not how he feels at all. The first sub and i get along well. He sticks up for me if he feels that sarahs_desire is being out of order, and i also stick up for him too, when i feel that she is being overly harsh to him. we have a similar sense of humour, and both enjoy the after dinner banter that usually takes place when we're all together. (i must add that sarahs_desire often doesn't approve of it but :p) so as an overview of how i see our poly relationship, i am in 1 relationship which is brilliant, and i have a great friend who is also in a similar relationship with ma'am :D

From the ashes I rise. http://minxysropework.wordpress.com/

Submission where given, not play but true submission, then a third party would effect the dynamics of the submission and doubt would set in.

My opinion now on the matter is that this is best left to play only, one off's maybe and not to be considered for a long term relationship.

This opinion is my own and is not intended to offend.

However, if you're planning a triad (where you are both involved with the 3rd) rather than a V-shaped relationship, that may be more difficult - because the two subs don't just need to like each other, they need to maintain an ongoing romantic relationship.

It's not like I'm some sort of expert, but here's my thoughts anyway:

* Don't criticise or compare. You don't need to hear "Oh, Hannah's so much better at XYZ than you..."

* Talk, lots

* Be totally, brutally honest with each other. Never pretend things are fine if they aren't, that way lies disaster.

* Be totally, brutally honest with yourself. If you are experiencing an emotion you don't like in yourself, don't pretend it's not happening because "you're not a jealous person" or whatever.

* Be prepared to get petty and jealous over things so trivial that they surprise you, even while you are prodding your psyche like prodding to find a bruise and not finding pettiness or jealousy over big things. Your partner asks you if you wouldn't mind staying over somewhere else because they've got a big night in planned? No problem at all. You discover that she shares your partner's favourite ice-cream flavour, the one you hate? You cry all night.

* Don't take it all too seriously. Have fun.

When my lover does it wrong and I politely point it out by telling him how my ex. did it... I get a bit fed up that he doesn't seem able to take it as constructive criticism.

Edited 30 Jan 12, 3:49 PM by Black0rchid

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/324325/

Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish

cheers, Andy x

What do The Force and duct tape have in common? ~ They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together

Sounds to me like you're very much coming at this from the right kind of place.

Traditional poly would kill our relationship in no time flat right now (never say never, but I get the feeling it always would), but what we have found is a dynamic that works for us. Where we both get what we want and need from our relationship.

It's damn hard work, but very much worth it when you open up and bring others in. We've had some truly beautiful moments that I wouldn't give up easily... Equally we've fucked up along the way, learning experiences that have taught us a lot, surprisingly though everything has really only brought us closer.

Talk, talk, read, talk, ask questions, talk, use all resources available, talk, talk and talk some more. It's easy to take things very slowly, to work out how you all feel at each stage and adJust your direction accordingly. For me it's all about minimising risk, both to you and your other, whilst having lots and lots of fun along the way!

Good luck!

XxX

Obviously I mean your current partner mostly but it applies all round.

It also varies hugely depending on intended depth of entanglement. As someone else said, true polyamory is elusive to most, including some of those that think they are.

Just my thoughts mind.

Regards, Maz.

Enjoyer of Niche Pleasures.
Cardiff Munch.

I Was the top in a poly household for a while and for the first 6 months everything was rosy in the garden, we had a well defined hierarchy that was kept. my primary partner/switch was fine with this until one day i was confronted with the accusation that i liked the Sub/Bottom more than her!! this was not the case and even though we resolved it with lost of reassurance and finally thought that had been put to bed, it reared its head as a reoccurring theme that unfortunately turned things very nasty and eventually split all three of us up!

But on the flip side to this i do know of one Couple that have had occasional third parties for play and it works fine for them, so while its not for me, im sure it may work for some, i suppose it depends on the personality of the individuals involved and the dynamic that they have, but even this can change in a new situation.

If you and your partner are sure and think that is something you want and are committed enough to each other that you know you could ride-out any likely little wrinkles that may get thrown your way, then go for it, you might have a fantastic time

Im Dyslexic so the spelling police can feel free to go and bugger themselves silly with the the spiky end of a pineapple

Not for a quick few fucks then fuck off, but as part of a long term, practical lifestyle.

Ignoring the silliness of a lot of d/s and looking at more primitive communities around the world and the spiritual poly lifestyles you have to dig really deep into yourselves to find the real sense of a loving, nurturing and protective/possessive commitment to each other.

Think about the practicalities of how you're going to live, who's the Alpha female and everyone's role, duties and responsibilities.

Think about your relationship and role with your poly House. Is this purely for a d/s thrill or something deep within yourself and your subs/slaves?

Poly isn't for everyone, as you've now read repeatedly in this thread, but can be accepted by some, if it's accepted by all in the House.

Often a master of the house will act idiot and start favouring one of the subs, get bored with one, or more. None of this is the act of a responsible adult.

Get your own act together within yourself, and lead your House if you have the strength for a lifetime of it, otherwise you're fooling yourself and everyone you take in.