Safe word? (96)

She cries. Weeps even. That's fine. She moans, grimaces, wails roars and screams when I start on her. Before I begin she whines ( not often), expresses fear and apprehension, anger, etc. she even bargains. But not after I begin. Then, she exhibits her distress as noted above and speaks if spoken to. Which she is. Often.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

So in her case having her scream is a perfectly acceptable, normal, natural and real vocal response to her distress ? Is it therefore safe to assume that because of this having her "scream" to indicate she needed the session to stop would not work ? And it would not work because you cannot have a perfectly natural and real reaction as a "safe word" because you would then be unable to tell the difference between the real response and the need to end the session.

So what if another person's perfectly natural and real reaction is to say stop, no, etc instead of scream ? What do you do then ?

There is no difference between stop and red ... both are a sound used to stop a session ... both have the same control ... one will work for some dynamics .. the other will be what is needed for other relationships ... we can have both ... but can explain why one is right for us ... what we cannot or should not do is say that one is not "real" and a "game"

"You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough." ~ George Moore

I have at no point implied that what works for us would work for anyone else. Or that it should.

When it comes to us she can yelp to her hearts content knowing I'll ignore it. Equally she is free to speak if something is wrong knowing I'll recognise it as something that needs dealing with as why else should she speak? Hell, she can actually tell me what's wrong.

But, if she does start moaning, begging and pleading, then I know she means it. And that means either I'm getting it wrong and should, to my shame, cease. Or it means she's under performing. I'll find out and stop. Or not.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

The word 'stop' is a universally known word for 'desist' or 'cease' and so if it is said anyone knows what it means. it is a direct, unhindered communication method. To me, and this can only be for me, 'red' meaning stop or any other 'unrelated other than within bdsm' word, creates an extra layer, a barrier to communication, not an aid, and for some of us that doesn't feel real.

For you, a safeword whatever word you choose (but obviously not 'stop' or No more') feels real. For me it doesn't. Neither of us are universally right, just right for ourselves which is of course, all that matters.

I don't think either Belasarius or I was suggesting that what other people did was not real for them, just for us in our particular relationships. Things that feel unreal can seem like a game but if something feels real it isn't a game.

Having different opinions doesn't mean one is critical or denigrating how others play but we do have to express why what we do feels real and right for us.

My sub is quiet before and during play up to the point which he says "please stop' and then knowing that to be his version of unendurable pain, I stop. Belasarius's lady is more vocal beforehand but during play is quiet. Obviously both he and I know how to read our partners safely and to their satisfaction or I suppose both he and I would be single.It is in the end, just different strokes for different folks.

Dominant partner in an FLR with @paulss

True .. but you seem to have certainly more than implied that when others use something different to "stop" it is not needed.

As in ....

Even though a number of people have explained that their use of "stop", "no", etc is the exact same as your girls use of screams and roars and yelps.

EDITED TO ADD ....

To clarify what seems to be some confusion ... Himself and I do not actually use a safe word for me to stop a session if I "don't like it" .. that is not our dynamic ... our "safe word" is for sudden emergencies that are in no way related to the control of the session or the dynamic of the relationship.

Nor do I have a problem with it being Stop or Banana or anything else a couple chooses ... If it works for you great.

Maybe I have misunderstood peoples writing but what I have found hard to accept is saying this is your own dynamic then saying someone else's is "not needed" or does not "need to be special"

"You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough." ~ George Moore

Edited 28 Jan 12, 7:22 PM by Elohims_jay

I see your point so, for me, an artificial safeword gives the opportunity for other things to seem artificial too. That's not to say that is the case. It's how it feels to me.

For the avoidance of doubt, The comments you have emphasised above are not critical of someone's choice but posit an alternative and ask the question why? That's legit, surely?

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

Edited 28 Jan 12, 7:59 PM by Belasarius

The absolution thing is one of the reasons I don't like safewords. I think it diminishes the dom's responsibility for knowing and observing his partner. Or, it can do. I guess it depends on the Dom.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

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It's going to be difficult to make clear signals, I think.