Does BDSM make you a better parent? (7)

Many subs,to a greater or lesser degree, myself included, brat. Why do we do this? For me at least, it's because I need to make sure that the boundaries are still there; I need to reaffirm the dynamic; and yes also to see if I can get away with something. But I do this because I need those boundaries to be there, because I am a Sub and sometimes I need to feel my place more strongly. There is after all, nothing worse than an inconsistent Dom - one who makes up rules but then doesn't enforce them. Bratting and the consequences of it make me feel secure in my position/role within the dynamic.

So where do children come into it? Well, all children push boundaries, they test their parents, repeatedly, to see what they can get away with. But from my Submissive perspective, I can see that they're not just being naughty - they're making sure that their world has limitations and boundaries and this gives them security. That isn't to say that it doesn't seriously test our patience as parents, but it allows us to understand where the behaviour is coming from and to deal with it more appropriately, to help our children to feel secure and hopefully to help us maintain our patience! After all, there is also nothing worse than an inconsistent parent, who makes up arbitrary rules but then only enforces them when they can be bothered.

What do you think?

I don't misbehave - my actions are just misinterpreted. Sane ego te vocavi. forsitan capedictum tuum desit

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month!
Road Trip to the Sea!!! The October trip has tJust elapsed...More info here.

(he went out on a night out, came home next day, announced he had met someone and was engaged to her the next day and living with her.. very hard for kids to understand)

however, the kids had always had their dad to do the discipline as for much of their early days I had been at work....

Yet since becoming my Masters slave I have found that I have a better understanding and am just a better parent.

Cali

I am and always have been my Masters Slave, from the day I was born I was his. I just didn't realise it till My Master claimed me.

A slightly different perspective: I know a couple with three small daughters who see their (sub) father as the most helpful, respectful, hard-working husband and father; he is the most perfect role model. Their mum doesn't need to exert any authority or pressure, everything is very natural. Admittedly many vanilla husbands are good at being husbands and fathers, but seeing this family in action is something else. The parents are definitely allowing their children to develop in an extremely supportive environment. The children are kind, generous, polite and helpful; they never say they can't do anything, nor do they ever refuse to do anything when asked. All down to the type of parenting - which is different to many examples of parenting I've seen, all because of the D/s element.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Understanding that kids push boundaries is important, to see where they are, for sure. Although I think most subs do it with slightly different motives. A lucky child, in a stable family dynamic (whatever shape that dynamic takes) who is balanced and cared for, hopefully knows that they are loved, unconditionally. That parent will never leave of their own volition, will never stop loving the child and will never hurt the child. A child who knows this, has an excellent parent (or 2 or 3). But inside the majority of partnerships, and maybe I'm wrong, the sub does not have this security.

I push, and have pushed. I'm testing slightly more adult boundaries. I know that the adult might leave, that they might stop liking or loving me, that they might hurt me. All of these things have happened, which is just adult reality, not every combination works. Sometimes it was me doing the leaving and not loving. I'm scared of it, and by nature I push. My difficulty has always been in knowing when to stop. I haven't met anyone yet with whom I know my limits, who will let me get so far, and then stop me, before I damage myself or the relationship.

Our kids can push us further than we ever thought we could go, and still we love them and keep them safe, protect them from themselves, often at our own cost. We would rather die than see them hurt. I don't think you need to have been in a BDSM dynamic to do that, I don't think you even need to be a parent, but I think being one, the other, or both, certainly helps you to appreciate it all the more.

And in the words of one child I know, when he was bullied as a small boy in his first class at 'Big Boys' School'..."If you ever touch me again I will call my -naughtyskibunny's real name-, and she will RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, cos she said so. So there!".

Needless to say he was paraphrasing...I had, however, said that that I would never let anyone hurt him and that they would have to get through me first before they even tried. His class teacher took a dim view of it though, and I had rather a lot of explaining to do...(before I took said little boy home and fed him an ice-cream cone in a bubble bath whilst he wore his Spiderman socks...his idea of heaven).

Sugar and spice and all things nice are what I 'could' be made of...

If instead you are in a bad relationship and all the children see are rows and nasty looks and comments and trauma and conflict then they won't be happy.

Thus is you find a relationship that works (or are happy in yourself whilst single as I hope I am) then that is best for them whatever your sexual inclinations or orientation.

I do think children benefit also from seeing both parents in good careers who enjoy their work and that tends to result in that role model being duplicated. If instead either parent is fed up all the time (whether with work or being only at home) that will feed through and damage the children and their example will not be a good one.

Above all I think it is the example we set and what we do and how we behave which affects them and not the words we use and what we say to them.

I am lucky to have had quite a few children and still to have some at prep school in my third decade as a parent is fairly unusual. I have also found the longer I do it the better I get at it.

I don't think the fact I am sub has anything to do with whether I might be a good parent or not.

I have always ilked this.

On Children Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Practising BDSM has never made me a better anything, apart from, perhaps, a better Dom over time.

Harbour Master.