'Taking control', but remaining submissive? (36)

My current (insert name for what he is here, 'cos I sure don't know) makes me feel completely submissive really, although we both consider ourselves switchy in general.

If I do take charge for a while, I tend to feel it's only as long as he's letting me because he can turn the tables with simply a comment - in the right tone of voice.

It's sort of exciting, if I've taken control with others in the past, I've felt in control, but with him I just know he's letting me play, but I'm not really in control.

I think the whole time, somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge, and anticipation that at some point I have to untie him...

Why be difficult, when with little bit of effort you can be impossible?

She is submissive but tops him, she does this because it makes him happy, she will admit to not being dominant in any way shape or form, and most of the time he is topping her but occasionally there are things that require that role reversal.

I always love this about her, the honesty that makes her state it, I think that I was taken aback the first time she mentioned it because often it is against the rules to imply that you are not constantly tied to the radiator.

Imagination is brilliant and you are exploring this together, telling him what you would like to do is not dominanting or controlling, it is telling him what you would like to do. The key for me is that just suggesting something doesn't mean that it will be done instantly or even at all.

You have to carve out your own place in all this, honestly, there is no wrong or right way to do it. The worst thing you can do is follow a cardboard cutout idea and be unsatisfied.

From our perspective, using the conventional terms, we are both switches, J is Domme or bottom but never submissive, I am Top, bottom or submissive (by definition, I can't be Dom as J is never sub)

The roles change day by day, hour by hour, interspersed with 'nilla. Purists may say we "play" at the roles, though the play may last hours or days. Not that we care what others think

We also discuss,on a regular basis, what we would like to experience, and occasionally have a chat about recent scenes, how they went, what worked, what didn't. We are in all this for mutual pleasure, even if it sometimes involves considerable pain, or mental stress.

So in your case, why not consider that you are Top occasionally, and provide your partner with whatever torment you think is appropriate. This doesn't mean you are Domme, or that he is sub. As I said earlier, don't worry about the names.

As an aside, we make a big deal out of "no retribution or revenge" when we swap roles. Fortunately we each have different preferences, put simply I'm a masochist, J is into sensation play- I wouldn't dream of belting her likes she belts me This is a bit different to "Bratting" where you as sub/bottom deliberately wind the Dominant up to provoke a reaction or increase the severity of treatment.

be a switch, double your fun

I don't really like to determine things. I can give ideas if that's wanted.

You could submit, Sorry, that sounds sarcastic and it isn't meant to. My girl will sometimes offer a greater degree of submission than I expect or, when I require a service, she finds new ways of delighting me in providing that service: Makes me feel incredibly special. Makes her feel amazing because she's delivered something unexpected and put her own mark on her submission.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

I often make suggestions to my Master of what could be fun.. I know what my Master likes and I do not see that suggesting a possible idea for something that would Please My Master would be doing anything other than sticking to my golden rule, which is please my Master..

I think its the way in which any suggestions are made.. telling my Master we are going to do something would not work.. the way we do it is by a emailed suggestion.. I may ask my Master what his thoughts are on a scenario..

Good luck

Cali

I am and always have been my Masters Slave, from the day I was born I was his. I just didn't realise it till My Master claimed me.

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You say you talk a lot so it seems to me that you just ask him. Is he ok with you giving suggestions? Is he ok with you initiating sexual behaviour? Are there particular things that are off limits? I could tell you the answers for my personal situation because they are important things to know but they won't tell me anything about what your Dominant wants and that's what is important for you to know.

It sounds as if the problem might just be that there is a bit of resistance from both of you because some of your desires and interests might not fit into stereotypical submissive or Dominant roles.

As I've said many times before though, there is no such thing as a Dominant or submissive act in itself. Context is everything. So, being tied down is a submissive act if it's something your Dominant has chosen to do to you. However, tying your Dominant down because s/he has ordered you to do so is also a submissive act. It is certainly possible for Dominants to enjoy activities that are usually associated with submission such as pain or bondage. In my experience it is fairly common.

"Don't Dream It, Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

Thanks for UR comment @kitty_can_has_rope

I understand... times I HAVE taken control it's only until he's decided to take control back... and also it's exciting but frightening to hear him swear and threaten me when I'm doing what I wana do to him. Even if he was tied up, I'd untie him in a heartbeat if he ordered me to... I suppose that makes it a submissive dominance...

Molly x

I agree and many people have assured me that there's no rule book and 'as long as you're happy' it's alright... But recently I've been wondering, when does it stop being BDSM and become something completely different? Not vanilla, but not BDSM either? If this is the lifestyle we want to experiment with shouldn't we begin with a few rules?

Molly x