Choice versus control (19)

I understand what you mean as all the fantasies I have re subbing/ masochism include complete loss of control taken by a sadistic partner.

However, in the vanilla world this is called domestic abuse. And under this name, doesn't seem quite so appealing!

Edited 12 Jan 12, 1:46 PM by BuxomBelladonna

I agree with this entirely; and with [BuxomBelladonna] when she says that outside a consensual BDSM context, it would qualify as abuse.

I have never sought to "take" control away from a sub (unless it was a pre-agreed, physical part of play). I am content to interact in a gentle, patient and understanding way until she willingly cedes control to me.

A submissive nature does not make someone a submissive or slave, as the act of submission is to yield control to another person.

In making that choice, the only thing which dictates the depth of submission and the level of control given over to the other person, is trust.

The Control and choice-making dynamic within a relationship, is as individual to that relationship as the people involved. For all that we discuss what works for us as individuals, in our relationship, we generalise. We champion our own beliefs and reinforce what we believe is working for us.

We can not judge or be judged.

There are abusive methods that people promote as control. Allowing or creating a situation in which someone will behave in a way in which they are likely to need correction is just an excuse to punish. Punishment is not control. If someone needs to be punished, then control has failed. In extreme cases, punishment is the only way in which control is considered to be inflicted or effective.

Submission is an act of will, not a defensive posture.

In fact in many a traditional marriage the wife pretends the husband is in charge whilst controlling everything.

International Man of Mystery and Curiousity

Yes it is and that is part of safe, sane, consensual BDSM where I play. My submission is my choice though it does feel so natural in context. It is also my precious gift to a mistress, showing I trust her and desire to serve her.Mistresses need subs (not necessarily me of course) as much as subs need mistresses.

However I failed to explain clearly there is a small part of me (fortunately under leash of the other, saner part) that fantasises about the insane, unsafe and non consensual prospects of submission/servitude. Consciously I fully acknowledge that I really do not want this, but the imagination lets me wander in forbidden realms. As a result I do desire to get as close to the fantasy as I can without compromising sane/safe/consensual and I have found that simply acting does not to it for me, there has to be something else- I am just beginning to explore this but find that bondage and sensory deprivation help recreate the vulnerability/submission I fantasise about.

Touche!

Edited 12 Jan 12, 3:05 PM by Unholy_One

To be legal, the agreement between two people to create an imbalance of power is one that is entered into willingly. That's free will and choice. The decision to stay in that relationship and to maintain that imbalance is also free will and choice.

Within those parameters, what happens during the lifecycle of that dynamic is no longer mutually determined. The choice is clearly the dominants.

The concepts of this post are geared towards BDSM-like dynamics where a submissive may be made physically incapable of resistance. That's why safe-words are invented. In this dynamic, the dominant does TO the sub - and the sub absorbs. However, this does not apply to all power-exchange dynamics.

In my type of dynamic(Service-oriented D/s), where "scenes" don't play as big a role and submission is more about what a sub does FOR me than what I do TO him, the sub is always in control of his submission. In fact, that is EXACTLY what I want...I want him to be focused on his service to me 100% of his day and to make the motivation of all his actions to make my life easier and to make me happy. He is responsible to control his intent and to act in my best interests. I adjust his actions to help him serve better, but a failure to serve properly is a failure on his part. Safe words do not exist in my dynamic, because there are no limits to how much a sub can serve. The level of "Control" in this dynamic is how much I insist on his focus...in my case, it's pretty high. It's definitely control - but it's more active guidance than puppeteering.

Those of you who have read my writing know I don't favor punishments. I make adjustments to my sub's service - not through threats, but through communication of how they can serve me better and why what they've done failed to do so. This is usually more effective than any punishment or threat. Above it was said, 'If someone needs to be punished, then control has failed', I rather feel that if someone needs to be punished, they have failed to control themselves!

So to the Original Post: In a safe-sane-consensual world, submission is a choice and an act of free-will. Also, it is not a one-time decision...it carries through the life of the relationship. We constantly assess our gratification from our relationships and make decisions to stay in them or not.

- Rika

Edited 21 Jan 12, 11:26 AM by Ms_Rika