Duty of care?!? (22)

My question is a more protracted "Duty Of Care" beyond play inside a D/s or M/s relationship.

Does a Dominant have a duty of care towards a submissive during their absence, such as work or other commitments taking you away from your submissive?

If you accept a duty of care outside of a play session, what does that involve, how far does it go and what are the consequences of a failure of that care?

Does a submissive not had a Duty Of Care towards themselves? Should they not take a certain level of responsibility for themselves?

And (this is one I've had thrown at me recently) do you have a Duty Of Care after the end of a relationship? If you do, what does it entail, how can you manage that when it may be emotionally difficult for either party and how far does the care go and for how long?

Any ideas?

Omnia vincit amor

It's like when you make a baby - you both created it, you should both take responsibility for it.

As for the end of a relationship, I do also think that a Dom should not just walk away and leave the sub to go cold turkey. Often in a D/s relationship there have been dependencies deliberately created, mental bonds and perhaps rules and rituals in everyday life. It isn't easy to just switch all of that off like a lightswitch.

That isn't to say that Doms can walk away easily either, just a recognition that the things that we do are often designed to reprogram a sub's head and make them more reliant on the Dom.

The one who claims to be innocent - who wants to test the claim?

I hate the term duty of care I have to be honest, it sounds too contractual like fitting into health and safety regulations.

This is the interesting part, because I would say yes and no. I don't think you are obligated any more than when a vanilla relationship breaks up, if you don't have legal things you need to sort out then there isn't a requirement.

However morally its a bit more wobbly, when ever anyone breaks up, morally it should be done in a way that leaves the least amount of lasting damage, whoever you are and whatever your relationship dynamic. Yet we all know not everyone is morally perfect.

As to the other stuff, its been said before, both people in relationships (or more in poly situations) should look after each other, when you partner up, in my view you are responsible for each others well being, its not a duty of care thing, its a relationship thing.

If it is following a heavy session then yes...but as much as subs can drop so can Doms so there has to be a certain amount of care on both sides, but that also depends on the individuals coping mechanisms too.

Duty of care within normal work/life routines? Difficult because a Dom cannot have too much control there unless Dom and sub work together. I would never expect any Dom to have duty of care of me within this scope. I have to take responsibility for myself.

After a relationship...well again that depends on the coping mechanism of the individual. I found it hard after I left my ex M. But he stepped up and to this day has maintained that he will always be there for me until such a time as I do not need or want him to be. Following our split I felt as much a duty of care to him as he did to me for a long time. We are lucky that we have stayed friends and confidents throughout all this time.

Duty of care is a grey area as far as I am concerned. I have had bad relationships but to be honest I have coped on my own most of my life, that is part of who I am. I deal with things.

jxx

"Take me from this earth an endless night- this, the end of life. From the dark I feel your lips and taste your bloody kiss."

After a relationship, which is a voluntary coupling of two human adults which can be uncoupled by either or mutual action, ends you can look at your responsibility toward the other person in different ways.

If the relationship were casual, short lived, then beyond basic politeness and decency, no particular responsibility toward the other is necessary.

If the relationship were serious or more long standing, the dominant might have to consider how much impact did his/her control over the ex-sub make in their lives. Had they been emotionally or psychologically worked upon by the dominant in such a way during the relationship that the sub may then find it more than usually hard to readjust to singledom and having no control exerted over them? If the dominant thinks they did do stuff which may have longer term ramifications then the sub may be owed some extra responsibility being taken toward them t help them get back on their feet.

If the relationship did not really change the sub but they are appearing needy or manipulative or in anyway trying to use their previous vulnerability in the relationship as a way to guilt trip the Dominant, then I think a firm action must be taken to ensure that both parties are clear how it is viewed by each other. It is no good allowing a situation to develop where one party might be gossiped about, ostracised by friends or generally badly treated just because a certain, albeit embroidered view point has been put out and not challenged. If it gets to this stage though, it is not a pleasant situation and is almost always likely to end up with bad fall out for the couple and their friends.

I think basic niceties, of the kind you would hope would occur in the aftermath of any relationship are a must but beyond that each person must be honest as to whether they do have any outstanding responsibilities toward the other and work out how to meet them.

Dominant partner in an FLR with @paulss

As for not walking away at the end of the relationship, in an ideal world I agree but realistically I would think that is virtually impossible. The end of a relationship is often just that - the end and there is not the inclination at least on one side to support the other party. I fear that if a submissive person is left in a vulnerable state due to the dependency built up over a period of time, that is the risk that we take.

However a very good Dominant will want to make the submissive stronger and more able to cope rather than dependent and vulnerable. Then when it ends the sub can be more independent and happier in themselves than before the relationship.

xx

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed" Michael Pritchard
"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall in love with a gorgeous redhead" - Lucille Ball

What if it's the sub who walks away from the dominant?

Nicki

Yes but how does this ever happen? Recent exchange between beloved Master and self via email:

"you annoy me. I can't meet your needs. If you want to end it do so ok?"

"Ok, if that's what you want. You are always telling me I need someone else but I don't want anyone but you. So I will end it, but I can't just walk away of my own accord. You have to release me."

"If you want to be released you can."

"ok. But I need to hear you say it so I'll come down tomorrow."

"no. If you want out that's it and there will be no discussion."

"I'm afraid I have to insist."

"you have no right to insist."

"once I'm not your slave I will, and you will owe me an hour of your life and a conversation you can't be arsed to have to help me make sense of it. You made me, you can't not help me try to fix myself. But tomorrow I just want to hear you say that I'm released and you no longer consider me your slave."

No reply.

Next day in person:

"you know what I want to talk about."

"If you want to be released, you can be. I did it last night."

"I need to hear you say it. It's not enough to say I can be if I want to be. Because I don't want to be, I just feel I must."

"I won't give you that satisfaction. If you want to be released it's done."

"no it's not, because you haven't said it specifically."

Upshot - I'm currently not released, he's said he doesn't wish to do so (which is good as he seemed all too willing at first) and we are going to have a talk!!

So my question remains - how does the sub walk away anyway given the above?? Or are we both as childish as each other, which I rather suspect.

There is no 'duty of care' after a relationship has ended because it is ended, is over, done, finished.

Depending on how the relationship has ended and if it is in good terms will decide if contact on a 'friend' basis is possible.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet (21 November 1694 – 30 May 1778)

I love the duty of care thing

I was walking home in the dark yesterday so I phoned Master because it makes me feel safer (not in the sense that I can't cope on my own but in the sense that I feel safer talking on my mobile while walking through unlit areas). He asked me what time I'd be home and I assumed he asked because he wanted to know how long i'd be on the phone to him for but he said he asked me because he wanted to know where I was and how long I'd have to be out there in the darkness/cold/light rain/wind. This made me feel really loved and safe.

If I didn't feel cared for in a way that the above example adheres to, I don't think I'd feel as safe and happy as I do.

ETA: Aa a human being I have a duty of care towards myself and I believe that everyone else does too. However, regarding our relationship and its dynamic, Master cares for me in a paternal way which maybe goes beyond what would exist in a vanilla relationship. Hmmm, but that said, maybe a lot of relationships thrive on people caring about each other to this extent and in this way.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

Edited 7 Jan 12, 3:17 PM by totallycoverme

Can I say I think you are right in what you suspect. I mean you are being very literal here, as soon as the submissive wants to stop being the submissive then thats it really, doesn't need the formality (in all cases, and certainly not when it leaves you hanging)