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When trust has gone (54)

This post is on the SM/Bondage/Fetish web board.

9 Jan 12, 2:28 PM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

Examples are one partner builds up massive gambling debts without telling their spouse or an affair or kept two wives.

If someone has lied to you it's hard to assume they won't again.

9 Jan 12, 3:00 PM
Ms_Valentine
UK, 9 yrs

ClassAct2005 wrote:
Examples are one partner builds up massive gambling debts without telling their spouse or an affair or kept two wives.

If someone has lied to you it's hard to assume they won't again.

Those are definitely trust issues.

I have known people to say trust is lost when they really mean respect or confidence which are not the same thing. Loss of trust implies something big has been violated whereas losing confidence or respect might mean you just see the person as less capable or dominant than you had thought or maybe not such a nice person. Still, not pleasant but not like a trust issue.

Dominant partner in an FLR with @paulss

9 Jan 12, 3:08 PM
tee_jay
4 yrs

Ms_Borgia wrote:
When trust has gone

can it be built back up and if so how?

In my own personal experience, it can't, and if it's in a relationship, well you can try and put things behind you, and try and move on, trying to make things work out, but as a few have said, the doubts will always be lurking in the back of your mind, which can make things even worse, know matter how hard you try to get away from it.

It's better to put it behind you, move on maybe find something/someone new, but it does take time, as what happened before, can stay in your mind for a while, or as I have known people, for much longer than that.

9 Jan 12, 4:52 PM
reacher
UK, 17 mths

Ms_Borgia wrote:
When trust has gone

can it be built back up and if so how?

It can, but requires massive commitment, work and openess.

At best its a 50 50 chance. Really depends why it broke in the first place

13 Jan 12, 11:46 PM
BlksubLondon
UK, 7 yrs

A leopard never changes its' spots

14 Jan 12, 12:31 AM
foxycherry
UK(SE), 2 yrs

Until very recently I would have said trust cant be built up again. However, although of course it does depend on the circumstance's, I do believe it can be regained.

This will take a lot from both parties, one side will have to let go (something I havent done recently) and the other party acknowledging that what occurred hurt and that for sometime it may impact on almost everything.

People are strange creatures, sometimes its easier to hold to the bad and the pain rather than look forward. Again that will depend on what occurred.

14 Jan 12, 1:31 AM
heres_trouble
UK, 6 yrs

i think that we may pretend its ok but deep down once its broken in this type of relationhip its gone

14 Jan 12, 3:13 AM
HeelHussy
UK(B), 4 yrs

Ironsmith wrote:

Total, absolute, unflinching honesty - however much it hurts - by both parties.

...

A lot depends on how strong the relationship was before. Truly strong relationships can survive almost anything.

I agree I think effective meaningful communication from both parties must surely be the foundation to mending things.

I don't know if others would agree but I read the book: domestic discipline. Offers some food for thought in early chapters on observing moods and how to respond to each other. Just a thought.

I am optimistic at heart and will endure a lot for someone I believe in (Or believed in them at some time)

Did you ever promise to be there for them should they faulter? Do you owe them one chance?

Sorry. I don't like breaking up.

14 Jan 12, 7:33 AM
wonderer
UK, 5 yrs

(Braun, 1997) wrote:
Perhaps the most surprising result of this research was that many respondents truly believed that their organizations would uphold their ends of the psychological contracts. Even within an economy marked by massive reengineering, downsizing, and outsourcing efforts, most of these individuals really trusted their employers when they began their jobs. Not surprisingly, respondents who suffered a contract breach were likely to lower their contributions to the offending organizations because thiey felt they could no longer trust their employers. These year-old transgressions were so significant that neither promotions nor pay raises were able to counter their negative effect. Clearly, these results suggest that violated trust cannot be easily rectified or repaired by simply correcting unmet expectations.

This researcher found that the (employment) relationships tended to survive, but with modified trust levels. A relationship can be mutually beneficial even if one no longer wears rose-tinted spectacles. Trying to get the correct balance of trust, somewhere between naivety and total cynicism, is not always easy.

"Wisdom begins in wonder� (Socrates)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" (Albert Einstein)
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/226772/

Edited 14 Jan 12, 7:39 AM by wonderer

14 Jan 12, 11:34 AM
Ama_Sidero
UK(GU), 7 yrs

LondonShyGirl wrote:
It depends...

... on what the breach of trust was, and how important the trust and breach are to you

... on the reasons for the breach (was it deliberate? through thoughtlessness or inadvertently? was it for a "good" reason?)

... on whether the person understands the negative effects of the breach of trust, and whether they are willing to seriously and fully try to mend things

and whether you are willing to try... which by posting this blog, I think you might be.

But I agree with the others... it would take a long time to rebuild, until you get to the point where you no longer immediately think of the breach of trust everytime there is a problem, a question about his trust. So to even make it worthwhile trying, you both have to really want to try to fix things...

Good luck

Logically, This.^^^^

From personal experience, it is a bit more difficult when you doubt every word that comes out of their mouth.

I think it would take a while before a person REALLY got the truly deep trust back, if ever. People usually are a bit careful with being vulnerable like that. Once burnt & all that.

Good luck.

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, February 3, 2012 and the first Friday of every month!
Road Trip to the Sea!!! The October trip has tJust elapsed...More info here.

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