Changing the Script (3)

Posted by rose_in_chains on Sat 31 Dec 11, 1:19 PM to rose_in_chains's blog.

And so, the end of 2011 draws to a close... And it is with mixed feelings that it does.

A year ago, I felt on top of the world. I was in love, and that love was returned. I felt that 2010 had been the year where I started to pull myself together, post divorce, post mid-life crisis, post trauma.

And then, I was knocked for six, and I really fell down hard. My divorce didn't hit me quite as hard, by any comparison, as my break-up with S did. And then, when he got engaged, I got knocked down all over again. I don't really know why the anniversary of the rape hit me so hard this year, maybe because I was already feeling low and vulnerable. I got so wrapped up in my own panic, my fear, feeling sorry for myself. I was cutting, at times I didn't see any point in carrying on, although no-one ever knew that. It was hard on my friends, and I lost a couple along the way.

SlutWalk was an amazing experience, empowering. It also nearly killed me, the build-up with all the press meaning the PTSD I'd been suffering in anticipation of the anniversary was elongated across several more months.. One day I want to be a strong advocate & campaigner for survivors but I'm not there yet. I feel like there is still too much anger in me to keep myself sanely balanced when the topic comes up.

The other thing that nearly killed me this year was work. But it also saved my life. At the time when my depression was threatening to envelop me, I simply became too busy to be depressed. (And it paid off too, I'm truly proud of my promotion and feel like I've got my career back).

And then, I got well. Slowly. Firewalking was an emotional experience, stupid (my feet are still scarred), but emotional and helpful. My holiday at the end of September may have been only two weeks, but it marked the turning point, fresh air, a feeling I could breathe and was set free again. Also, I am starting the new year not wanting to move. I've put down roots, and Ealing suits me. Finally, for the first time since the divorce, and actually for a while before that too, finally, I feel like I belong somewhere.

My friends have been amazing, you always are. Thank you for all your support, those of you reading this, and those that aren't too. Two men have been really special to me this year, and I hope, despite the changes I'll be making in my life, that we'll stay close. My relationship with my parents will always be a little strained, it's in their nature, but we've started to mend bridges and that makes me smile.

So, things are getting better. But I know I could easily slip back into despair. I won't let myself. I am going to change the script.

No longer will the voices in my head be all about me. They always have been, for a long time as a child I thought that I was special because I was the only one who could think for herself, everyone else was just robots in my dream. Well, my self-centred nature has been my achilles heel, and it's going to end.

I am hoping that 2012 brings me something far more important than me to be focused on. A positive outlet for my emotional energy. A child. No.183, together we are going to create Nate or Scarlet and I will have a very very very different life.

Replies

31 Dec 11, 1:22 PM
rose_in_chains
UK(W), 4 yrs

And this is what I wrote on @american_girl's end of year blog:

rose_in_chains wrote:
This isn't going to replace my own annual end of year blog, but I might link it when I do it later, as a kind of pre-appendix.... xxx

--------------------------------------

2011 in 40 Questions

My version of 2011 questions

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Hmmmm....
Walked in front of maybe up to 5,000 people, leading the way at SlutWalk London. I needed to feel that empowerment.
Told the man I loved to marry the woman he loved.
Took total conscious control of my own life and didn't apologise for it.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. I am thinner by about a stone. I'm not fitter. At the start of this year, I was feeling pretty contented & smug actually, and then life threw some curve balls at me... New Year's resolutions stink. I have goals now but not resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but lots of them are pregnant. And I want to be.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

USA, Canada, France and Wales.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

To be a mother.

7. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 5th - broke up with S.
April 10th – it always is, I'd like to forget.
June 11th - SlutWalk London
November 24th - promotion at work finally made public...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Got promoted. And didn't kill myself. (early part of the year did nearly kill me, which totally surprised me, and glad it didn't happen...)

9. What was your biggest failure?

I'm still really lazy and prefer to sit on my sofa and watch TV than do exercise and get fit...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing too bad

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I have some wonderful friends, who know who they are, who helped me through in their own wondrous ways. One particular man took a particular chance on a girl who he thought would be 'difficult' and I think we've had an amazingly interesting journey of exploration together. x

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The rioters. I kind of understand. But not why they needed to set fire to a van outside my window or kill that poor man down the road.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Firttery. I must stop. I'm decluttering at the moment and it's upsetting how much I actually forgot I bought...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My holiday, I needed it. Two weeks away in Canada and USA, mostly seeing friends. I'm going to do more of those kinds of holidays.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Hurt, Johnny Cash.
Someone like you, Adele
Feeling Good, Muse

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

Sadder... but then my happiness was based on something that didn't last. So, happier? A more realist happy?

ii. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, by about 1 stone. Not where I wanted to be, but better

iii. richer or poorer?

About the same, slightly richer. Which isn't great considering how much I claim to 'save' every month.. but I did just spend on a new bed and on a 3 for 2 deal on sperm...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reminding people I care for that I'm here for them and love them. Hugging.

Sex. I really haven't had enough of that.

Exercising. I need to move more.

Work. I know my friends think I work too hard already, but I need to be indispensable. It's only me, and maybe (hopefully) the little 'un if things work out... I need the salary...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Eating chocolate, pasta and ice cream.

Sleep. I'm fantastic at sleeping my life away.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family at my brother's place. It was actually quite good. And later, zonked out on my own sofa, watching Strictly Come Dancing and falling asleep before Downton Abbey... Maybe kind of boring, but the best I've had post-divorce.

21. How many one-night stands?

How do you define a one-night stand? There was this one threesome thing but I didn't *actually* have sex... but then saw the ex the next day, which felt kind of wrong in a *very* good way...

One. A planned hook up. It had it's moment.

22. What was your favourite TV program?

Too many. Dexter. Sons of Anarchy. Grey's Anatomy. To name a few...

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. In fact, having met someone in real life that I thought I hated, I now think he's pretty cool.... I think it's best now not to hate people.

24. What was the best book you read?

I loved reading Tipping the Velvet, and it's probably a travesty that I didn't read it sooner, especially since my club was named after it...

There are probably more but I can't think of them, I know I don't read as much as I want to, but I do love my kindle

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Jessie J
Adele

I know, I'm always late to the party...

26. What did you want and get?

Finally, a place I can call home, that feels like home and I don't want to move from.

A promotion.

Realising that actually I want to be a mother. And I'll do whatever it takes to do it.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

Since turning my back on film production as a career a few years back, I don't go to the pictures like I used to...

I did enjoy the Girl Trilogy on dvd, Bridesmaids (hilarious and especially that bad sex scene at the start struck too easy a chord...), Black Swan was flawed but could have been brilliant and the Ides of March (I do like George).

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 38. The night before was a Saturday and I had some friends over - we had dinner at a local restaurant first, and then back to mine. There were good beatings. The next day was family lunch and then peer rope (my only of the year). A good birthday weekend of kink

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Comfortable shoes. More black. But I've also started introducing colour. I may have gone more goth/emo/girl with dragon tattoo type thing, although mine isn't a wasp on the neck, it's my fairy angel...

31. What kept you sane?

My friends.

Work. There was a point I thought I was working so hard it would kill me, literally. But, in the end, it saved me as I was working too hard to think about being depressed.

Me. In the end, I realised I wanted to be sane, and I chose sanity.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hmmm... Not really into celebrities. Can't deny I fancy most of the hollywood actor/actress type and especially George (you'll all know by now I do like the older man...) but I don't think there was *one* that I melted more for...

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

SlutWalk and victim blaming. For obvious reasons. But it surprised me how much it affected me three years after the fact. I got really emotionally involved, and needed to, but it did almost kill me, all over again.

Riots. Being right outside my flat didn't help.

Unemployment. I don't think it'll be easy getting over the period of unemployment I had before getting my job almost two years ago. I still feel employment is a fleeting thing, and tenuous at best... It definitely worries me...

34. Who did you miss?

Two lovely friends who've been so dear to me, I lost during the year. One I lost over a misunderstanding and mutual stubborness early in the year. We made it up, but he still seems to be AWOL. Another I lost through a mis-translation (I think) but needs her own time right now, and I'm trying to give it to her. But, if you're reading this, you know I miss you both xxx

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Lots. Or, are they new? Some friendships have been reinforced. others rekindled... And others are just starting...

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I *can* survive, and I will. It can be done by myself and I don't need anyone else.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I heard that you're settled down / That you found a girl, and you're married now........ / never mind, I'll find someone like you / I wish nothing but the best for you, too

38. What did you learn about yourself this year that surprised you?

That I want to live. I want to live a life that is mine and not someone else's. I want to be a mother and have a child and create something that could be good in this fucked up world...

39. What is your proudest moment/achievement of 2011?

My promotion.

Not cutting myself when things got shit yesterday/last week/last month/for a while...

Realising that I'm lonely sometimes but I don't need to be alone. And I don't need to do things the conventional way.

40. Why exactly are you blogging this on NYE on IC? Do you expect anyone to even bother reading this far down, and if so what do you think their opinion is of you?

It's not NYE yet... I'll probably do my own blog in the next few days (linking this, it's taken for ages to complete), and I like a recollection of the year, what I was thinking, dreaming, hoping...

I never expect anyone to read, it's just a way of getting 'stuff' out there into the ether, done with...

And I don't care what strangers think of me... If you're my friend and you think I'm a total tosspot for writing, then please message me and tell me (I'll delete you), otherwise, if you're a potential beau, take heed (warning: crazy, unhinged female), or if you're a total stranger, just giggle and flick to the next topic of amusement...

Twitterati? I'm emilyrose_uk - see you there?

1 Jan 12, 2:44 PM
tangendentalism
UK(RG), 17 mths

*hugs* Happy New Year.

In the end, nothing you do matters. All that matters is what you do.

3 Jan 12, 10:51 PM
Souci_X
UK(BA), 5 yrs

As always, painfully honest. Making me wish I was more of a friend to you.

You know, reading your answers, I think you will be a wonderful mother, as I said you are one of the most brilliant women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, the strength you possess is so inspiring.

I hope that this year is easier for you sweetie.