Posted by hailstone on Sat 24 Dec 11, 9:53 AM to hailstone's blog.
I suppose in our lives we all have a visit from it. Some for joyous reasons , some for awful reasons. Whatever the reason i know i am not special in having a visit.
On the train going to work Wednesday morning my visit from the past came very unexpectedly. I had received a letter the day before that i assume had been the catalyst of my visit.
My mind was wondering as it always does, i was feeling good about what the year had been for me personally, the roller coaster year i had lived, and feeling very positive about life.
My mind took me back to 22nd December 1999.
Theres a woman on a filthy floor, she is howling like a terrified injured animal, she doesn't physically have the strength to lift herself up, she is scaring herself with the noises she is making because she is finding it hard to breath. What is scaring her more is the fact her two beautiful children are seeing her like this, her daughter is almost hysterical begging her 'Mummy please stop it you are scaring me' her son is trying to get her up off the floor, saying 'Mum get up, stop it, your scaring us'. Inside herself she knows she is a worthless person, she is hearing her children and it is breaking her heart, her mind is telling her 'you didn't deserve to have those kids, look what you are doing to them'. this is your fault, you are a bad person, you should die.
Yet something was keeping her alive.
These people were in a unit for people fleeing domestic violence. This little family had been there 37 days, the mum couldn't see how she could pick up and make a life again, she didn't have the strength to carrying guiding those children, she was too terrified to contact her family because her mind had turned to believing everything she had been told by her abuser. He would kill her family. She thought she was protecting them by staying away and having no contact, she had no idea her family were going out of their minds looking for her.
Strange how your mind works, while this woman was having her breakdown, she noticed how dirty her fingernails were, and this she saw as another failure on her part, her basic hygiene was beyond her at that stage.
Those poor children having had to suffer being dragged from everything they knew, into a world of more fear she saw as yet another failure.
Back to the train, yes this woman was me. I had left an abusive partner, i had a mental breakdown, i feared for my sanity i believed i would not see the millennium. That my children would grow up into damaged people, and it would be all my fault.
Forward 12 years, i have a good life, i work hard, i have a job i love, my children are fabulous and are not damaged by their past, we have spoke about that time and we have all shed tears about it. My children are my life, they mean the world to me, nothing and nobody will ever break that bond we have, i will not allow it to happen.
Would i change it? Despite what we all went through i think the only part i would change is my actual breakdown, i wish my kids hadn't seen that. But i truly believe that without having that experience i wouldn't be the person i am today.
Anyone who is reading this who is going through similar, please contact womens aid.
I am living proof that there IS life without your abusive partner.
Merry Christmas to one and all xxx
| 24 Dec 11, 10:11 AM quietsoul UK(G), 6 yrs   |
Just huge hugs. There are no words to express how reading this made me feel... You are a remarkable lady x
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. |
| 24 Dec 11, 10:36 AM Qwoins_calamity UK(S), 3 yrs  |
you are a remarkable lady me bessie big knicker wearing mate, i reckons during our friendship we have covered all topics and memorys of our lives, we share a bond thats unspoken neither of us go into details of the horrors the evil exes put us through. wise words fanny when you stop thinking like a victim and realise your a survivour healing will begin. I loves ya girl and yea ya will call me a puff lol 1 request please ?
a piccie of you in your christmas pressie Good girls blush during naughty scenes in the movies. Bad girls smile because they know they can do better. |
| 24 Dec 11, 10:58 AM hailstone UK(HD), 9 yrs |
 there is nothing remarkable at all about me, i am just an ordinary person. But what i do know is there may be someone out there, who right now is feeling the terror i went through, and i just want them to know there IS a way out. Thank you for your comments though, and calam not a chance lol x If you don't like my words, don't listen. |
| 24 Dec 11, 11:58 AM Rhoobarb UK(FK), 12 yrs |
A stirring blog. I hope it helps where needed. A very happy Christmas to you and yours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| 24 Dec 11, 3:28 PM steff UK(NE), 9 yrs |
merry christmas. |
| 24 Dec 11, 9:01 PM NimueBanditQueen UK(MK), 2 yrs |
How wonderful your generosity to share this your truth to give others hope. Joyous peace to you. |
