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Do our interests in BDSM alienate us ? (53)

This post is on the SM/Bondage/Fetish web board.

23 Dec 11, 8:37 PM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

It's like being gay. You need to know first that the other man is also a gay man otherwise there is no point in proceeding. Thus (and I've been lucky all my life to know how I am so check these things out first with a man) you raise it early. I raise it either on emails or with someone I'm thinking about I met off line I just mentioned it early in writing or on the phone. Then if they run a mile or say eek that's fine. I'd rather know then.

I want a good sexual relationship with someone as well as a good rest of life relationship so if the sex bit isn't going to work then I'm not interested. I am very submissive and will never change and unless a man is into not so much kink as control and his need for a D/s relationship then I don't really feel sexually attracted to him.

NightFox wrote:

Fuck_christmas wrote:
@Nightfox again it's you putting limits on yourself. Why so negative? Just because you're mature in years, is no impediment to a continuing fetish life!

I take your point. But....Suppose I meet someone vanilla, we get on great, there is common ground and we share those interests we have in common, enjoy each others company etc, etc. I need to find out at an early stage how she sits with 'alternative' interests. As a starting point I need to subtley find out her views with regard to kink, but there's a brick wall. No go, not interested, they're weird...etc. Where do you go from there ?

As I have previously said, its not like a hobby where you can think 'Well, its not my cup of tea, but let him get on with it'. Its something that has to be shared or it would be the end of the relationship. This is not necessarily because she would end the relationship either. It would not work if I could not share that side of me with her.

23 Dec 11, 11:17 PM
NightFox
UK(CV), 3 yrs

Ok, I totally agree with you. The sad truth is that by being so specific about your unusual sexual needs is that you have then probably eliminated, at a stroke, about 99% of potential suitors.

I would be interested to know how you go about 'raising it' with someone new you have met and want to take things further ? I am sure most guys would not object to spanking or a little light bondage with their new partner to spice things up a bit but they have to really get off on it if you need them to be like that every time you have intimacy or go into more extreme play.

ClassAct2005 wrote:
It's like being gay. You need to know first that the other man is also a gay man otherwise there is no point in proceeding. Thus (and I've been lucky all my life to know how I am so check these things out first with a man) you raise it early. I raise it either on emails or with someone I'm thinking about I met off line I just mentioned it early in writing or on the phone. Then if they run a mile or say eek that's fine. I'd rather know then.

24 Dec 11, 11:22 AM
NightFox
UK(CV), 3 yrs

Its probable that this thread has now come to its natural conclusion.

Just a note of thanks to all those who put their thoughts in. Some interesting perspectives and points which I will take on board for the New Year.

I wish all a happy Christmas and let us hope the New Year brings a little more optimism than this year which has had more than its fair share of bad news. I know there will people on IC that have been directly affected by the economic mire we are going through, so particularly for those in this position I hope 2012 brings them more positive news.

NightFox