poly, openrelationships, the future (16)

Know what.. even if most people were to do it one day.. even if it were to be predicted as having the potential to go well (whatever that means).. if it doesn't feel right to you right now then it's the wrong thing to do for you. If monogamy feels right then it's probably right. If what you're doing feels good, why worry?

I don;t think it's the type of relationship which causes the risk, but part of it is the type of person/people we're in relationship to. none of these ways of being are better than each other, but some of them are better for certain people. Certainly a massive amount of intimate relationships (of all types) end with someone straying and leaving, in monogamous set ups this will in some cases only be in the form of having affairs and getting the boot when they are found out, so I don't want to say 'mono people' as such as I dont believe a lot of them are really monogamous.

As far as risk goes, some people feel less at risk of losing partner to someone else when they are doing ethical multiple relationships, as in EMR, intimacy with others isn't a deal breaker, so someone else coming along doesn't herald the end of existing relationships - in monogamy it often does.

Were I to try to turn any of my current relationships into monogamous ones, I would feel much more at risk of someone straying because I'm with others who like polyamory too. Were I to become single and begin a new relationship and want to be monogamous with that person, I would feel at risk too.

It may even be that we just feel most risk in unfamiliar territory or depending on our experience (I've had only a few monogamous relationships and the last one was with someone very deceitful and previous to that I found my interest for others growing, which is how I became polyamorous!) so my experiences of monogamy were pretty disastrous!

Do you feel somehow as if you 'ought' to be able to do EMR?

hugs

De

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Edited 21 Dec 11, 9:58 PM by Degenerate

Basically, what do you know? As you can't pop into the future and know outcomes of things, all you can say for certain is that everything is a journey of sorts. There are many paths. You don't know whats down them, or at the end of them, you can't predict what you will find, but you can say for certain that they will take you somewhere. Could be somewhere better. Could be somewhere worse. Could be a dead end.

One might say - well, there's only one way to find out.

But One might also ask oneself, before starting upon any journey, this very useful question - do I want to be 'somewhere else'? Because you can't go on a journey and remain in the same place.

Seek and ye shall find, or curiosity killed the cat?

*shrugs*

Was it Buddha who said that if a person walks across the room and back they return a different person?

Or was it John Lennon?

Oh, never mind the finer details!

The one thing I learnt from my poly days was that people aren't dolls, when you bring someone into your life you have to consider that A: it might end, or B: that it might NOT. Its beyond accurate prediction - you have to be open to possibilities. And you know best about that.

...edited to add - I've been busy this evening or I would have replied to this much earlier, having noticed it before when I couldn't stay on long. Now I've just read the reply above mine I see De has got here before me! Damn! She's beaten me to it again! - lovely reply sis. (Only have to mention the word 'poly' and both of us get happy taping on the keyboard. Ha!)

Edited 21 Dec 11, 11:26 PM by Grownup_Frankie

Ohhhh, MT...

I've read all the replies now and this one is so touching.

I've always disliked the rigid 'traditional' thinking that seems to rule monogomy - rules are no good unless they are worked out yourself, these imposed structures to relationships cause so much pain, I feel, and so often it is unnecessary. Or..or just regrettable, rather.

When one says, 'if you do X, it means The End' its an awful thing, because if X is done, what are you left with but that heavy, heavy ultimatum, that X means The End.

Things 'end', when they all that was required was that they 'change'.

Mrs GUF gave me a very, very wide road to travel on with her, for which I am grateful to her for to this day. Its much harder to feel one has 'fallen off the edge' of a wide road, (have done something - well, that there is no coming BACK from). But if you feel you are walking on a tightrope, you can get very stressed out. (I don't know if I've explained that clearly or opaquely). Its not very hard however to fall off a tightrope, if thats what you feel you are walking on.

However, a wide road with many 'interesting diversions' is perfectly fine, but perhaps it comes down to deciding where you want to go - if you know where you want to go and can see you are on the right road to it, all you have to do is stay on the road. It helps if its a wide road. Helps you feel sure-footed.

Edited 22 Dec 11, 12:19 AM by Grownup_Frankie

Something I found in relationships is that it is very easy to follow and abide by rules and boundaries when we have carved them in places which feel natural to us. When we carve them outside our natural way we are always more likely to fail, and end up doing that tightrope walk Blue is talking about above.. and fall.

Over time sometimes we need to move those boundaries, and that is worth remembering.. but the gut instinct usually knows best, so trust it and trust what you know of yourself. If the guts start to feel differently then it's time to look at changing something.

If you choose what is right for the you that is you - not some other you which sounds good or better - then you should always feel most happy with your decisions.

Happiness is hard to question. I feel very glad to know you are finding happiness in your relationship, however you describe it. Hold onto your happiness and love.. love is for sharing every day

hugs and happy midwinter

De

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*smile*

'always'...

always knows best. People get things mixed up, I've often felt - they talk of decisions of the 'head' and the 'heart', in terms of the head saying one thing and the heart another - that the 'head' is wise, cautious, practical, logical, and the heart is to be mistrusted - instinct is to be mistrusted.

Its the 'civilisated' snobbery we humans exhibit, a bias, a disassociation from our roots as creatures of instinct. But I see our instinct as really wise, and protective, its our instinct that tells us whats in our own best interests and whats not. We frequently don't listen to its self-loving advice though, and thats the fault of our mind, which insists on overruling it or knowing better- because its 'smart' (civilised -'educated').

In all things in life, do what feels right.

your replies are all so useful and interesting to the extent that I don't think I've got much to add other than a thank you

I find it really helpful to think that no matter what you do in life, something will always change. I always thought that I was the sort of person who liked change but to be honest, I don't think I like change as much as I like predictability. It's interesting how you think you prefer one thing in theory but then experience makes you think that maybe you prefer the other lol.

Thinking of things as a journey seems really constructive too Kinda like, "do I want to go on this journey?" am I prepared for the inevitable unknowns that i'm likely to meet along the way?"

This is all perplaxing in the best possible way thank you xx

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx