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| totallycoverme |
This is a mega hypothetical question and that's why i'm posting it in my blog (rather than the boards or any other group related category that it might fit into). I've been meaning to ask this question for a while now but it's hard to wordify...bugger it i'll have a go now anyways. So yeah, my question is:
"If we could see into the future, would more people enter into poly and/or open relationships?"
I ask this question based on the idea that I am put off by doing poly or an open relationship because of the big fear of "what if?"....what if it ruins the trust in a relationship? what if it creates insecurities? what if someone gets emotionally hurt? what if it splits us up?
I have tried open relationships and I have tried poly but it's never worked for me. I don't know why but it hasn't. This is ok because poly/open relationships work for some people and not others. It might not even be a me thing, it might be more of a "the people and the dynamics just didn't work in this particular instance" thing. But yeah, now I'm in a relationship where we want to grow outrageously old together and be together for decades and then some. As a result of this, I feel that entering into poly and/or an open relationship would just be too risky in terms of how there is a lot of loss to be had should it go wrong.
So ultimately, I feel that entering into poly and/or an open relationship is a gamble. In fact, it seems very much like Deal or No Deal in the sense that I might get offered 20k (that would change my life at my age and circumstance!) but what if i want more than that? It could go very well and I could get more from gambling to get more or I could lose it all by gambling too much. (I'm not saying that going poly equates to more/getting greedy, not at all..i'm just talking about the nature of gambling per say and how the risk of it can be related to anything in life that involves gambling and risk taking on a general basis).
But what if I could read the future? What if i could see that going into a poly/open relationship would work out very well? Surely i'd be more likely to entertain it because the element of risk would be removed. I would not have to risk trying something and then it not working and me to be left with a primary relationship in tatters.
This leads me to ask, is being prepared to do poly/open relationships something that relates to being more prepared to take a risk regarding your primary relationship? That is to say that I don't see myself as a risk taker and I would need to be able to read the future to know if a poly/open relationship would be an option for us. On the flip side, if we COULD read the future, would more people enter into a poly/open relationship if they knew that it was going to work out ok for all involved?
For what it's worth, I am asking this question because it fascinates me. I am very pro poly and pro open relationship because I know of some fantastic examples of it where numbers of people are very happy. I wouldn't have to nerve to try to pick holes in something that I very much admire. I guess I'm just questioning things because hey, that's what I do and I wonder what your thoughts are good people of IC.
I hope I've worded this in a way that makes sense and that it's not too long winded/confusing!
Over to you 
Edited Wed 21 Dec 11, 3:36 PM by totallycoverme
| 21 Dec 11, 3:45 PM carenza_lionheart UK(NN), 24 mths  |
The key is to work out why it didn't work for you in the past, and what is/could be different now. Was it jealousy? Lack of emotional honesty? Lack of respect from anyone involved? If you decide to go down that route, you need to be clear what the rules are, what you expect from everyone who becomes involved - not just in terms of the play or sex, but in terms of how involved you all are with one another. Is it poly in that you can each separately have other partners or is it poly in that you both want to share the experience of another? They are very different things. And then you have to all talk. And talk some more. And keep talking. Whoever you invite in must be clear on what the deal is, what to expect, what not to expect or hope for. It is the most painfully honest experience - everyone needs to commit to that honesty or else problems and miscommunications will happen. No poly set up is the same as any other, I think. You have to define yours for yourselves and what works for you. And you have to accept that finding others who are happy with your way may also be a challenge. Does that help? *grin* The one who claims to be innocent - who wants to test the claim? | |
| 21 Dec 11, 3:52 PM Shypeachybottom UK, 20 mths |
In addition to understanding what you mean by "poly relationship", I think you also need to understand what you mean by "open relation" and, as @Christmas_Mincetart says, understand what hasn't worked for you before. For example @DomThoughts recently blogged about a hypothetical monogamous couple where one of the partners has a fetish that cannot be fulfilled by the other, and where they agree that that partner can get his/her fetish fulfilled by playing with others (http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/321643/0#.... To my mind, occasionally playing with others in an open and consensual way would not constitute a poly or a open relationship And of course, trust and communication are as always key! There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me | |
| 21 Dec 11, 4:14 PM Mysubeyes 19 mths |
I think like any relationship it has it's plus side and down side. You can go into it with the best will in the world. Believing everyone is clear about the rules/dynamics etc. However, we are human and we change or if not us another party, wanting more or less. All the talking in the world won't change that. It's hard enough to meet one person you can relate to let alone 2, 3,4, etc.
I don't believe it is the future (not talking for anyone else) I believe that we are moving away from multiple partners and back to just focussing on one. ( then again maybe that's my age... Been there, done that, now I'm happy to just have one partner) mse x I'll follow you and make a heaven out of hell, and I'll die by your hand which I love so well….. William Shakespeare | |
| 21 Dec 11, 4:32 PM Shypeachybottom UK, 20 mths |
I agree
Just my view There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me | |
| 21 Dec 11, 6:54 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs       |
PERSONAL VIEW... PERSONAL VIEW... PERSONAL VIEW... My partner's decision to try a poly relationship was pretty much a "cake and eat it" one - but not from the perspective of greed. In many respects it suits me also and, in hindsight, it seems to have been good for her marriage (and therefore her husband too). It makes sense in her life because there is a great deal of good in her marriage and she has a rich, deep life there.She is loved and loves there too. Why give it up? It makes sense for me (and her) because I own all of her submission and when we are together we can live our own rich, deep, life inside a D/s framework with the level of ritual and protocol we both enjoy. She is able to fulfil her need to be submissive and I get to be the D I want to be and whom she needs. There is much love here. Why not have that too? For both of us the need for a D/s relationship was incredibly strong. It played a role in the end of my marriage and it might have led to the end of hers. I don't think we'd have got this far if all of us weren't able to view this as a better choice than monogamy - most of the time. She gets time off from me, and I get time to relax as well (and the time to spend with my family, some of which she shares). I miss her sometimes: but 24/3.5 is pretty good, especially considering that it does give us the breathing space we need to allow us to be pretty full on whenever we are together. The poly thing has implications for our D/s relationship too, making it more natural to consider friendships that could involve play. It's honest and open when it happens (which isn't often). I think, in the last year or so, the relationship has matured a lot, with much cooperation between the two chaps in making life easier for all. Three years of working at sharing have got us all to the point where we can see futures for the relationships. There is still lots of hard work to do and there are still misunderstandings from time to time. I've no idea wat the future holds for us. And I'm not smug about it. But, I can see poly as a solution that should, at least, be considered by couples whose relationship is damaged by the changing needs of the individuals involved but who have, otherwise, invested so much in their life together that they don't want to tear it apart. My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 21 Dec 11, 8:15 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
And another thing... ... I don't think she gives half her love to each of us: I think she gives all her love to both. Parents with children know this happens. Grown-ups can do it too.
My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) Edited 24 Dec 11, 10:15 PM by Belasarius | |
| 21 Dec 11, 8:20 PM carenza_lionheart UK(NN), 24 mths |
@Belasarius If I had understood poly, perhaps this solution could have worked for my marriage too. It makes me a little sad that the only option we saw was to part after 22 years, when we could perhaps have met our needs in a different way. The one who claims to be innocent - who wants to test the claim? | |
| 21 Dec 11, 8:27 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs |
I guess a big issue is that everyone needs to want to do it. It takes a very big person indeed to agree to see their marriage become non-exclusive and I guess that takes lots of love too. It's just a theory - but maybe this hasto come into a marriage before it is really damaged. If respect has gone, maybe sharing isn't an option? My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 21 Dec 11, 8:31 PM carenza_lionheart UK(NN), 24 mths |
I don't think either of us really wanted it to end, we just had no solutions for the problems we had. You are right, there needs to be the will on both sides for poly to be the solution - but it could have been the answer we so desperately sought. The one who claims to be innocent - who wants to test the claim? | |
| 21 Dec 11, 9:18 PM Attitude_Adjuster UK(N), 6 yrs |
Firstly I'd be tempted to say non-monogamous rather than spurring debate around what poly and open mean.... I reckon the answer is a very simple straight forward yes. If you think about it 100 years ago, "monogamy for life" was pretty much the norm, and we've evolved from that to a situation where "monogamy for a while" is more the norm. I don't think mono/non-mono is anything other than a product of your socialised norms, in the same way that 'must marry a virgin' was the norm of times gone by. If sexual liberalisation trends continue, then I would expect future generations to have a reduced 'jealousy' reaction to the idea of people having sex with more than one person. The main question is when will we see the first openly non-monogamous Tory MP, not whether.
And all men kill the thing they love, By all let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword! Edited 21 Dec 11, 9:19 PM by Attitude_Adjuster |
