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| Adverse_Camber |
on Sun 11 Dec 11, 3:13 PM to Adverse_Camber's blog.
And when I feel it, you're wearing thin."
A whole weekend: borrowed flat, borrowed time. We'll have fun, I know that, but I'm determined to inject some reality into this before it gets even more dangerous. I'm different this time, assertive and slightly severe. I want you to listen to me and I want you to know that I mean it. An evening stolen out of time, walking around the city holding hands as if we have every right to. I am calmer and stronger; and for now, I'm letting you do the talking.
Back at our hideaway, the sheets need changing, the water hasn't heated yet. When we eventually climb into bed after a cold shower, we're both tired but fairly at ease. You aren't very well, and that makes you vulnerable, malleable. And for the first time, you let me touch you, pleasure you...all while you murmur that this is the very first time you have been touched like that. I want to believe you...really I do. I want to believe you.
We stay there, between the sheets, touching, caressing, barely talking. You ask me to tell you a little more about what I'm into, but I shrug and tell you I've deleted my profile. It doesn't seem necessary anymore. The time passes and we never do manage to get out of bed, leaving me a rushed hour to deliver my pre-prepared speech of what might have been. You listen carefully, nod and agree. And I am the one who leaves crying for what is lost.
You smile and hug me because you know you haven't finished yet. Not yet.
The invitation is innocent enough...a birthday celebration, family and friends. I can get away for one night, so we arrange to meet early. You're in an upbeat mood, presenting your picnic of pink wine and posh sandwiches for breakfast. The day flies by, you wanting new things for your new home. And then it's almost too late...we have to meet your people. So we do, them smiling and curious, me a little confused at my elevated status as your new partner.
Back to the hotel to get party-ready, your sister having begged me to get you there on time. Still blinking at this unexpected responsibility, I don't turn your offer of a drink down...not then, and not all night at the party, glass after glass. I know just how bad things have become when you give me your present and tell me that you have the other half. "So we can put them together when you move in with me." Speechless again, I indicate that you should hurry up and shower. Never seen you quite so flustered...fussing over your hair. But finally you are ready and we half run to make it there on time.
And I set about getting steadily and convincingly drunk, perhaps more uncomfortable than I've ever felt. Back at the hotel, way too many hours later, I lose it completely. You know I have commitments, you know I can't be yours...you knew that right from before the start.
You knew.
I can't stop sobbing, I just can't stop, and you become angrier and angrier. Still watching me, watching me, even though I'm trying to hide behind my hair and under the covers. Until finally we both admit defeat and pack our bags to leave.
You know; and yet you still ask me to spend the rest of the day with you. I shake my head and look away, until you have walked far enough for me to watch your back, the shine of your hair in the autumn sun, fractally sparkling through incessant tears.
And I go home to Him, to be held and comforted until I stop.
Edited Sun 11 Dec 11, 4:26 PM by Adverse_Camber
| 11 Dec 11, 8:12 PM Noctiluca UK(WR), 18 mths |
'fractally sparkling' is too much | |
| 11 Dec 11, 8:57 PM Adverse_Camber UK, 3 yrs |
Yeah? Ya think? What about "spractally fartling"? Would that work? |
