The Independent (6)

"It was the trust thing rather than the sex thing that had hurt him and so I began to ask myself which was more important and what was marriage really based on?"

And:

"What irks Block is that we live in a society where cheating is acceptable (if not exactly welcomed), whereas open relationships are scrutinised. "Isn't it better to be honest about your desires?" she asks. "I'm not claiming that this is possible across the board or that we're all ready for this yet, but I'm suggesting that this is something that works for us and other people."

And,

"Despite Block extolling all that open marriage has to offer, it shouldn't come without certain warnings; jealousy being the most obvious catalyst for causing cracks. "It really depends on the couple and what their values are but generally it doesn't work because eventually somebody will form an outside attachment and that will cause problems with the primary relationship," Mandy Kloppers, a relationship psychologist and counsellor, says....

...This, Kloppers points out, is often the outcome of such arrangements. "It's common to see one person coerced into it because they want to keep their partner happy and want to keep an eye on them," she says. "If you have an unstable relationship to begin with then you're asking for trouble by doing this type of thing."

I'd question Kloppers' assumption, that there always has to be a primary relationship. I'd probably define mine as polyandrous: whilst it certainly began because C_b made it clear that we either shared nicely or the cake would be taken away from both (her at her most dominant ) it's evolved well beyond that now and is a genuine sharing with clear benefits for all parties. This was probably clouded for a good long while because the process of moving toward sharing was one where the former primary partner consistently lost time and access in order to make the new relationship possible.

These days, whilst time for both couples to be themselves is overwhelmingly important, both he and I see the point of allowing some overlap: We can, once in a while, do things all three together, publicly and privately, which ensure neither of us feels as alone and frustrated as might otherwise by the case.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

Edited 6 Dec 11, 9:31 AM by Belasarius

So did I until the nonsense from Kloppers about how one partner is usually coerced into open arrangements. She showed a total lack of understanding.

Aut disce aut discede. Manet sors tertia caedi

See my post above. I think she has a point - especially in the light of those poly relationships such as Satre/De Beauvoir.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

I have seen it, although only after I'd posted mine as they crossed each other. I'd argue that the Sartre/de Beauvoir set-up was not truly poly if it's true she only did it to keep him.

ETA I see you added a few more paras since then.

Aut disce aut discede. Manet sors tertia caedi

Yes, I'd agree: I'd also say that the relationship of which I am a part started because he was aware he would otherwise lose her, continued because I became aware I had everything to lose and a lot to gain by sharing and that it often felt pretty shit (but worth the work) all round to begin with.

Only in the last year or so has it become something where the sharing seems positive and co-operative all round. And there's lots of work still to do.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

There are very few decent articles printed about open, poly and other types of relationships, when people read this stuff and talk to there friends about it, I really think it does open up some closed minds.

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Edited 6 Dec 11, 9:48 PM by Silent_Storm