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| Degenerate |
on Mon 5 Dec 11, 1:38 PM to Degenerate's blog.
A ramble and myth-bust about ethical non-monogamists*, why a few of us promote our way, and where our views come from about less honest non-monogamists.
Just my views from my own married and polyamorous* experience of course.
Sometimes people don't understand why we are honest, sometimes they presume we just can't be properly honest and sometimes people are suprised that some of us are scathing and sound a lot like monogamists when talking about unfaithfulness, where we might be expected to understand a non monogamous nature more kindly.
In this matter, we are the same as monogamists - a dislike for dishonesty and having no chance to consent is common and just a normal human facet - it's present in all other areas of life, not just our adult intimate relationships. People don't trust liars for obvious reasons, so most people don't want to be in relationship with one as a colleague, a friend or a spouse or lover.
A lot of ethical non monogamists* also have experience in this area because we are recovered cheaters, it's one of the reasons why there's such strong views amongst such non-monogamists about deceit (in both directions) - not because we don't live this way, but because we have lived this way and know the perils well.
Belasarius has a great blog which touches on these issues, showing his experience and a fair bit of empathy with cheaters (here http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/320433/ )-
Grownup_Frankie (who seems to be MrParsnip today) also has a great blog showing his experiences, but coming from a less supportive position (here http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/320536/0 ).
Both are worth a read for their thoughts and the interesting and varied responses.
I think ethical non-monogamous people tend to fall into the latter category.. having found what we believe to be a better way. And yes, it's not necessarily very understanding - but that's because a lot of people think it is not something to encourage.
So we're cetainly not in a position to look down on others, having mostly been there ourselves. Me too - though I gave up cheating almost immediately at age 19, because it felt wrong and the issue of informed consent was the key problem for me. I cared about my partner, so lying (about something which had felt right to me) felt wrong in every way possible. It was not my place to force it on them or deny their right to not wish to have a partner like me.
With no example or model to follow whatsoever, I just decided not to do it, but to admit my nature and behaviours to my partner/s and let them decide whether they were willing to tolerate me or not, to be in relationship with me despite it. These days knowledge of ethical non monogamous relationships is much easier to come by thank goodness and people like us are beginning to feature more often in media programming.
And that in short is the tale of how I became a polyamorist. I felt it wasn't my right to disregard their right to consent, even though what I was doing felt right to me - because it might not feel right to them: theirs was the right to decide, not mine. And they decided it was OK by them. I have been working from the same model since.
Many of us do have experience of all sides of the fence - of cheating and not cheating.. of being cheated on and not being cheated on. Most of us who are now in honest non-monogamous relationships despise dishonesty in exactly the same way monogamous people do - dishonesty is not part of, and has no place in our relationships, however many we have.
Funnily enough the only partners who have ever cheated on me were the so called monogamous ones! Like my very last 'monogamous' one who despises my polyamorous nature and yet went to a pro-domme behind my back, paid for her favour and badmouthed me. Not so much better than me I don't think!
It is easy to resent our non monogamous cousins ..
Those of us who are out about our situation face a mostly misunderstanding world which often treats us like freaks based on what they know about cheaters. Sometimes they criticise us specifically because we're doing this honestly. Everyone knows someone who's unfaithful, but less of them know someone openly practicing non-monogamy.
We have to fight evey day the assumption that we must be cruel and dishonest, that we cannot love wholly, that we are selfish and uncaring, that what we are doing mustn't be done, can't be done - even that we'd be fairer to just deceive our primary partners.
We have to educate people everywhere we go, mostly because of their misconceptions based on the behaviours of unfaithful 'monogamists'.
Meanwhile we know a massive stack of others are a lot like us, except they escape these hard bits by just lying to others around them and pretending to even their closest loves they are someone they are not, with the full knowledge that their loved one would be devastated. They fit the descriptions we are mislabelled with while we take the rap for them.
Fake monogamists.
Even, they are some of the ones who mistreat us in the world, for they understand us sometimes least of all. Early on I was advised by one that I would be kinder to deceive the partner I was with (who had given consent and was quite happy). Loving honest monogamous people have little reason to fear or dislike our love and honesty, but those under threat were they outed sometimes view us with added fear.
It's really hard to make excuses for those unkind behaviours and practices when we live another path, often at our cost - but a path which is truthful and involves the full consent of our partners, a path we believe is better and 'right'.
Part of the reason some of us promote ethical non monogamy is in order to show other non-monogamous people that yes, we are not all monogamous by nature but there are kind, ethical ways to be non-monogamous and maybe it's better to leave monogamous people to have GENUINE monogamous partners. For us lies are an absolute no no in our relationships and they are built on that prinicple, just the same as monogamous people.
I hope when I have done things in open media that some, just even a few, non monogamists might see another way to aspire to - a less damaging way.. for I know the pressure from the outside world to be monogamous, or at least to be seen to be monogamous, is indeed strong.
I do not envy the position others are in and am so glad to be able to live an honest life, despite its difficulties. People have their own reasons why they choose to do this, but I would always recommend kinder ways to be non monogamous. I am trying not to talk too much about my views on other nonmonogamists specifically as each is n individual in their own situation.
The consent between all parties means we can all pull together in this, and despite some prejudice in the outside world, there all sorts of benefits.
It may look difficult from the outside, but telling the truth is easy. Living with and having to build from lies and fear of discovery cannot be so simple.
De
* ethical non-monogamy Just want to clarify this is not a term I made up and am using subjectively, it's a general term in usage which indicates what might otherwise be called honest non-monogamy - ie having more than one intimate adult relationship (of any type) with the full knowledge and consent of all involved - the partners / lovers / playmates / spouses / and partner's partners (and even their partners if relevant!) .
* I use polyamory in the original sense to mean the practice of engaging in more than one serious loving relationship at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.
NB there are many kinds of non-monogamy - unfaithfulness, swinging, open relationships, just to name a few others.
Edited Mon 5 Dec 11, 1:44 PM by Degenerate
| 5 Dec 11, 2:02 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs       |
That was wonderful, De. Thank you. It all resonates. Could I just add that the definitions may vary also - Polyamorous or non-monogomous with the definition of "intimate adult relationship" does not necessarily mean it need be a sexual relationship. There are many different facets of love. Also, from my perspective and history it resonated. I try not to judge people's actions, as there are so many extenuating circumstances and shades of grey. Rarely is something black or white. However, honesty is something that isn't usually negotiable. And when I "criticise", I come from that perspective. Having been someone who has been lied to, it isn't only the lie itself, it is the depth of betrayal of trust, disbelief, feeling stupid that I "fell for it", and a lot of other emotions that make the lie itself rather inconsequential. It was the ACT of doing it which is the horrendous part, if it catches someone unawares. And, I usually do comment if people are talking about honesty. Maybe I am extreme, but I know that if I catch someone in a lie, then I just don't trust them anymore. It doesn't matter how small the lie was. If it is too difficult for them to be honest about a small thing, I certainly can't trust them to be honest about a big one, can I? So, I often comment, just in warning, that the consequences of deception can often be more extreme than what a person anticipates. Not in criticism, but more in true warning, because people do seem to value their relationships. @Play_Space - Next party is Friday, January 6, 2012 and the first Friday of every month! | |
| 5 Dec 11, 2:02 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
I've always thought (from what I know) that you are a fantastic example of how to do polyamory in a way that is constructive, honest and creates a sense of family.
Thanks for sharing this, tis a good read It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice | |
| 5 Dec 11, 2:08 PM Grownup_Frankie UK, 4 yrs |
What Mr Parsnip thinks he has learnt from recent discussions on the subject is that some people think of informed consent as a principle, while others think of it as a practice, and the two concepts are not universially thought of in the same way. Life is constantly surprising Mr Parsnip. | |
| 5 Dec 11, 2:17 PM carenza_lionheart UK(NN), 24 mths  |
Brilliant blog, thank you The one who claims to be innocent - who wants to test the claim? | |
| 5 Dec 11, 2:32 PM DanesWood UK(OL), 4 yrs |
I've seen cheating from every angle except being the one doing the cheating. I'm sympathetic to many of the reasons why someone steps outside of a relationship and cheats, but I always say the same thing to them..............don't risk what you're not prepared to lose. "The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign. Mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing." | |
| 5 Dec 11, 7:09 PM Purvection UK(M), 8 yrs     |
Great post, De, as always. Can't disagree with any of it! The only thing I'd like to add is that, picking up on what Ama_Elf said about not all poly relationships necessarily being sexual, the reverse can also be true - that unconventional set-ups such as swinging (which isn't necessarily only for couples) and open relationships can be ethical too. I currently conduct both these as well as poly and all on the basis that they are ethical and honest. Obviously that doesn't apply to unethical unfaithfulness!
Aut disce aut discede. Manet sors tertia caedi | |
| 5 Dec 11, 8:53 PM Pinderella UK, 2 yrs  |
What a fascinating Blog post, De. The truth is a wonderful thing.  Xx | |
| 5 Dec 11, 10:34 PM Suitably_Twisted UK(S), 2 yrs |
Ditto
'The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation'.
'Mr Oscar Wild' |
