Married and D/s cheating (34)

I am in awe of this, because I don't know how you can love two people at once, and be able to give the best of yourself to more than one person. Although I think that I have probably loved more than one person at a time but not been "in love" with multiples.

Your ease is the fact that what you and X offer each other is something that she is not getting at home, and hence there is a marked dilineation between vanilla at home and D/s which is probably how you both manage it so brilliantly.

T

Do you have to be the ice queen intellectual OR the slut whore?
Isn't there some way to be both. Susan Sarandan.

in my own previous relationship's i was quite open and honest about my sexaulalty but in one my then partner chose to ignore almost anything i was intrested sexauly because men should be men,, etc etc,, which led me to playing with bloke's without her knowledge in another relationship she was cheating so i did to,

but perversly with Mistress she said if i feel the need to go with another bloke 'do so' as it's somthing she could only do in a 3 some type (Domme )situation ( that due to family at home etc etc has happened hardly at all ),, but i found that i don't feel the want to do so,,

i,m happy to wait even if the Domme and 2 guy's only come up once in a very long while,

Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish

Children certainly seem to be a prime motivating factor in the 'do I, don't I' dilemma of cheating. Looking at it from the kids' points of view, I knew people who grew up with parents who stayed together but hated each other and screwed up their kids, and I know people who had one parent scarpering and starting a new life, which screwed them up.

In all cases, it's the relationship the parents ensure they have with their children which makes the difference. Remote or in-house, doesn't matter as long as the children grow up feeling loved.

So really... I don't condone the 'I stay for my children' school of thought.

But being in the middle of the problem, people often can't see the wood for the trees. It's a crippling decision to have to make.

And it really does come down to that last line.

My parents split up after my father cheated, I've seen what that can do to a family. I also know from my that experience that in most cases staying together for the children is the wrong thing to do.

When my vanilla relationship began to fall apart I made sure he knew we were over as a couple and we were living separately in the house for a long time before I began seeing others, but I'm sure most people did not believe the truth of the situation.

Over the last 15 years or so I've made friends with several people in loveless and sexless marriages who for their own reasons have made the choice to continue living there.

Does it make them a bad person for looking elsewhere for the affection they don't get at home?

Of course it's easy to spin a yarn and make excuses just to get a bit on the side, I've encountered a few of those too.

In this life there's very little that's purely black and white, but there are lots of shades of grey.

"The most powerful sexual organ in the body is our brain, open your mind and allow your fantasies free reign. Mutual pleasure between consenting adults is a wonderful thing."

Everyone can find a reason to justify what it is that they do, no matter what side of the fence they sit on, their reason may not be wrong to them, it also may not be wrong to others but there will be some for whom it is wrong/unjustifiable.

@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Conserve conversation and converse about conservation!

You are right. Which is why any form of justification is unjustifiable. One needs to deconstruct ones position until there's nothing left but what is absolutely true to you. If you give yourself no hiding place you can act on what's left.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

For some it is staying faithful no matter what = perfect and any form of infidelity = evil.

I have heard it all so many times and I guess I must be a bit different to others. I have been cheated on, by my first husband with our female best friend. They even apparently had a snog and grope on our wedding day. Now, I say this because people use the reason for their anti-cheating attitudes on having been the victim of it. Well, there have said it, so have I. My you, I refuse to see myself as the victim of anything.

I can forgive his infidelity as clearly he wasn't happy and felt unable at that time, to say or do anything. I forgive him for seeking what I couldn't give him. Sex and our emotions around attraction do lead us to do things we regret. I can accept that before I could forgive 'outing' someone out of cold hate or any act out of spite, jealousy, envy or pettiness.

My feeling is that bad things happen and so do good. Good came out of the bad eventually for me and I have no regrets about how things turned out. I didn't like it but I know human nature and have a feeling we are all capable of weakness, indiscretions or some form of less than moral behaviour.

Infidelity is a really easy and cheap target. You can rant and rave and, of course, no one would actively promote it as a good thing. It would be best if people could all be open and honest to our partners, about all our feelings and desires but we don't and some reasons are by no means all evil.

I feel there are degrees of how wrong an act of infidelity might be.

Serial cheats who swan through life breaking hearts, lying and doing it all just for sex, well that is pretty low behaviour.

At the other end, sex and affection starved married who seek small doses of happiness discreetly, just so they can keep going in a difficult situation, maybe where breaking up a marriage would impoverish the entire family, are to my mind, whilst not without fault, perhaps to a lesser degree truly bad.

I know some will say there is just right and wrong and nothing else and, I am an absolutist on some things, but I do feel knee-jerk condemnation of the whole issue of infidelity takes no account of the individual difficult situations people find themselves in.

Small acts of less than perfect behaviour do not indelibly mark otherwise good and decent people as rotten to the core. I am not religious at all but I do think it is within all of us to acknowledge the shades of grey that might provide some mitigation for indiscretions in generally good people.

Standing in harsh judgement on others means one's own behaviour must always be without fault, as hypocrisy is a truly unpleasant thing.

Attempting the forgiveness of lapses in people allows us the hope we will also be the recipient of a fair hearing when we next do something of which we are not proud.

Mistress of @paulss My PD blog at http://mistress-keene.blogspot.com/ http://twitter.com/#!/Mistress_Keene

Edited 2 Dec 11, 2:56 PM by Ms_Valentine

The failure of my non D/s marriage was because he had an affair.

The failure of my non D/s marriage was because I was a fucking bitch so he had an affair

The failure of my non D/s marriage was because his new wife came along after me and they were far more compatible than we ever were.

The failure of my non D/s marriage was because we never should have got married in the first place.

He and I fell apart for reasons, not excuses and I do not blame him one little bit for going off to make himself happy!

It is not what you say or do but the way you say or do it

I also think our natures do not dictate our characters.

I think that to be in a situation such as you have described is to be in extremis; it is the end time, the breaking up of what may have once been solid or may have always been deeply flawed. My own first marriage ended when my wife had an affair - well, the consequences of that led to the end - she did it behind my back, I found out by overhearing a phone conversation, but what really mattered was I didn't care, because the love had gone, between us both. Realising that it was a fairly painless matter to let each other go, though I did worry I would not see much of my children thereafter; statistically this is so.

But my kids soon came to live with me once I was re-established, so that difficulty was one I never had to negotiate, thankfully.

Looking back on my first marriage I see the massive absence of love in it, although it lasted ten years and brought two children into the world.

My marriage now is a partnership between two souls, thought out, adult, and honest. Honesty protects us so much. It has been a delight to explore and discover myself and to reveal myself, share myself, with my Beloved, she is my best friend, my helpmeet, my partner in all things in life. We have weathered many things together - she is celebate, I am not, she gave me a wide, wide road to walk on instead of a tightrope, and permission to play with others.

Experimenting with this led me to the knowledge that people aren't dolls, and that in terms of affection and deeping relationships, I could not travel that path with anyone else and had no right pretending that I could. That I wanted to.

So, I've knocked round many a port, and all I've learnt is that a thing - an action, a motive, a thought word or deed, either comes from a place of love, or it comes from somewhere else. That is trully black and white.

So, those who say they cheat on their partners - ie, specifically; lie to them, that what they do is not done openly - and claim that they still love their partners, are not being honest, not to those they say that to, but more importantly not to themselves.

If they were honest with themselves they would know they were living a lie, not the kind of life they wanted for themselves, and they would make it better, let go of the negative in their lives, be truthful because it frees them. If you're not in love with someone anymore say it, tell them so. If you feel many-loving, and don't want a monogamous relatinoship, say so from the start, be YOU, thats all, be truthfully you because I can't see how anyone can be happy if they are living a lie, so when I hear of people cheating, in that sense, being dishonest, I think well I'm glad I'm not them, they must be miserable, poor sods, they can't be happy whatever they say, this isn't really 'ok', its a mess, such a mental struggle.

I'm not condeming anyone for getting into a mess, because somewhere along the line we all do, thats human nature, and the journey we take. Nobody avoids boggy areas, hail, rocky ground, but those who lie to themselves about their situation, and who do themselves no good with thier lies...well - glad I'm not in their shoes.

edited for spelling corrections

Edited 2 Dec 11, 4:56 PM by Grownup_Frankie

For me there are actually 2 kinds of marriage contract, one is signed in a church or registry office, the other is signed in your heart.

The first one is really just a convenient business arrangement, sanctioned by the culture and by history.

The second one entails an absolute commitment to the wellbeing of the partner, which means ensuring that their needs are met whatever they might be. If you fail to adhere to this then the contract is broken, and they are wise to seek their happiness elsewhere. If this happens the first one is still just what it always was, a business arrangement.

The problem of course is that people change and evolve. They may not understand their own needs, or accept them until after certain decisions have already been made. But if correctly understood the 2nd contract does in fact cover this.

It would be better if young people were advised of this distinction as a part of their education, but they are not - no one wants to risk putting people off getting married, there is too much money in it for vested interests. Like all business arrangements there are profits to be made from it.

I also believe it is unwise to judge someone unless you have walked at least a few hundred yards in their shoes, otherwise you will risk appearing to be a fool.

'Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?' - Harry M. Warner, 1927
Malbon erotica on Amazon