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Poly, BDSM and cheating (77)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

29 Nov 11, 7:24 PM
mia

UK(M), 4 yrs

All the 'Don't throw stones' posts are REALLY starting to grate. You know the at the end of the story you're quoting the main man didn't justify the woman's behaviour by saying "Go on love, you carry on" he said "Go on your way, you don't deserve to be killed, but pack in the shitty behaviour eh? Just cos these guys have done shit things doesn't mean it's ok for you to do so too."?

This isn't about everyone else and what they're doing wrong. Stop dodging the bullet. It's about what you're doing wrong if you're being deceitful. Start another thread about everyone else does wrong if it matters so much to you.

Does a rioter who uses the excuse 'But everyone else was doing it' or 'I really want a nice telly' deserve more sympathy than a ring leader out for some smashy smashy?

Now where were we? Ah, yes - abject humiliation!
@Modified_Bodies
@O_and_P
@LGB_Forum

29 Nov 11, 7:25 PM
totallycoverme
UK(M), 4 yrs

dryad_x wrote:
It is black and white.

You always have at least three choices: live with it, go behind your partner's back- which is cheating, or negotiate.

No matter how complicated, you still have a choice. I try not to be too judgemental because I know that the situation can be difficult, and I know that all of us can make bad choices, but it really gets up my nose when people start justifying it and complaining about lack of tolerance.

Losing sex drive isn't cheating ffs, it's just an unfortunate circumstance, usually outwith the control of the person who's lost it. In that circurmstance there isn't any reason the other person can't tell their partner that they want to stay with them but need sex, and that they'll have to get it elsewhere if not at home.

Then the partner has a choice whether to keep the relationship and permit the partner to get their needs met elsewhere, or leave, and they aren't being lied to. They are also then in a position to make informed choices if they want to resume their sex life in the future.

The same is true for any of the 'reasons' people have to cheat. They may convince themselves that lying about it is easier on their partner, but I think nearly all of us would prefer not to be decieved, and ultimately I think it's just having your cake and eating it- getting what you want without giving your partner the option to leave over it.

I do think it's important to get your needs met, and I think a partner who isn't going to meet them or allow you to do so is selfish, but that doesn't excuse lying imo.

I've been in a situation where there was no sex (or bdsm) in my relationship for two years, and it drove me mad. I did think about cheating, or leaving, or telling him that I was going to go elsewhere, but in the end I just stuck it out because I won't lie to someone I love and I didn't want to lose the relationship. It was awful, but it was always my choice.

As for people with children, I can tell you that in my experience, having daddy move out was less painful than hearing mum go on about his cheating for the next thirty years, and she's been going on about it for thirty years because, despite being in a happy, stable marriage now, it's still effecting her.

Maybe you don't want to lose your kids, but your kids might be better off losing you than having your infidelity destroy their family and people they love.

And as for YKIOK, don't be so bloody stupid! Nobody ever said that every kink was okay, just because it's a kink. That aside, let's say that your cheating kink is okay. The kink may be okay, but lying is still lying, and we don't have to accept dishonesty just because it's part of your kink, just as we wouldn't accept murder just because you had a snuff fetish.

i totally agree with you and this makes me want to draw a tree diagram. (for e.g. "in situation a, consider either x and y")..........I guess the end results of the tree diagram would be, as you say, either live with a crap sex life (and live in denial as a result perhaps), consider other options or cheat.

I never thought of it like this but yeah...those are probably the only 3 outcomes that are possible if you're not happy with your sex life.

Also, I think a problematic sex life has something to do with other relationship problems anyway.

Master and I were having an interesting conversation the other day. We concluded that we make love (as in connecting physically as part of how we feel about each other emotionally) but in terms of S and M, we agree that we're perhaps on different pages to some extents. We concluded that we love each other and what we have far too much to open our relationship up to a wider array of S and M experiences in a way that might harm the core of what makes us happy (i.e. a long term relationship that we hope will be lifelong).

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

29 Nov 11, 7:37 PM
Incandescence
UK, 3 yrs

Crikey this has gone off on a bit of a tangent.

The point that I was trying to make (and probably not very well) was that, while I understand completely why people in a poly relationship would perhaps be a littl more pissed offf to be cheated on that someone in a mono relationship (simply because the option to be with other peole is already there in a poly relatiosnhip). What I can't figure out is how/why that would translate to other people's relationships (outside of their own) and make them more likely than people in mono relationships to feel that other people (not their partners but people outside of their own relationships) cheating on their partners is reprehensible.

If god had wanted us to be perfect, he wouldn't have made our progenitors dinosaurs!
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices ~ Mark Twaine

Edited 29 Nov 11, 8:13 PM by Incandescence

29 Nov 11, 8:05 PM
Anneski
UK(BA), 2 yrs

In answer to the original post, yes, I would say that I have definitely seen lots more people on here jumping on people who are cheating. Now whether that's because IC is more intolerant, or people here are more willing to speak out, or some other reason I don't know, but yep, have seen significantly more threads on ICwhere people attack others for cheating than, for example, Fetlife, where I spend probably more time.

Anneski
'Take my hand. We are going into a number of dark places, but I think I know the way. And if I should kiss you in the dark, it's only that you are my love.'
Stephen King

29 Nov 11, 8:30 PM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

It is certainly true for me that to build a good D/s relationship where you learn an awful lot about each other etc that is a lot of work and time and perhaps can be best be done ideally where you both have time for the other. It's a form of takeninhand pair bond.

Even thouse FLDS men with 3 wives find it pretty hard to give them all what they need, although they have to "endure" it as the gateway to heaven apparently.

Luge_London wrote:
Without wanting to stereotype more than people are doing already, do you think that it's true that people more into the hard kink scene generally more mono than poly?

I think it is. Building up a top/bottom sub/dom relationship takes more time and emotional investment, for both parties. That's not to say that top/bottom couples don't enjoy a good threesome (or more!) sometimes, but that there's a real emotional link there that isn't present in poly people who dabble in the kinkier side of things.

29 Nov 11, 9:52 PM
SubbaBubba
UK(BN), 12 mths

Ah I did twelve years of an almost sexless marriage. Once,a good friend of both of us, knowing how miserable I was and why offered to stand alibi so I could cheat. I was horrified. I said I'll have sex with someone else when I'm free to. And I waited until I couldn't bear the pain of not having any of my needs met (not just sex incidentally) any more and then I left. His view of this is that one day his wife woke up and decided she wasn't in love any more. He hadn't heard me begging for love/time/attention/companionship/conversation because he'd had a pair of headphones and mic on: he was either at work or fighting orcs in dungeons. Funnily (and ironically enough) he turned out to be uber sub. And so did I. We'd discussed kinks and he knew what mine were, broadly speaking. He never told me more than a zillionth of what it would take to turn him on and it turns out that what he wanted was so extreme that I'd never have been able to make him happy. What a shame we both wasted so many years for lack of honesty. And now I wouldn't see a married man or woman or one in a committed relationship with someone who wasn't up for it. The relationship I'm in at the moment is very new and and very open. It's not particularly easy but it has great potential if I'm capable of the trust it requires. If I ever found he was lying to me about any contacts/friends/lovers he has though, I'd feel as cheated and devastated as the most monogamous of you. I think, that as many have said, the issue is about being lied to. We'll see...

30 Nov 11, 9:29 PM
Lady_Susan
UK, 5 yrs

lisal wrote:
I'm certainly not going to argue that deceit isn't deceit. Nor would I agree that cheating should be glorified (not that I think it has been much here)- nor would I disagree that many people try to justify their going behind their partners back to themselves

What I would say, however, is that I know of at least two cases where the "cheater" genuinely believes that it would be better for both him and his parter if he did not tell Both of these involve reasonably infrequent sessions with pro dommes and partners who are ill and where the "cheater " is the sole carer

Deceit is black and white - perhaps the reasons and motives are not always so clear

Absolutely agree with this.

When I want your opinion, I'll thrash it out of you.
Can you taste the grit between your teeth....