Posted by kesriel on Sun 20 Feb 05, 3:11 PM to kesriel's blog.
[An open letter to the One Who permits me serve]
my Brothers fingers curl bruisingly hard into the flesh of my arm and He tugs me closer into the circle of party animals that congregate like beautifully painted hyenas within this social gathering of a late night soiree. my hand reaches up to trace my fingertips across the soothing edge of silver about my throat and clench convulsively when i remember i was forbidden to wear my collar. Mother's diatribe of retribution upon such a bland adornment should i dare to wear it “again” to a Family celebration still ringing in my ears. i no longer try to explain, i stopped a long time ago trying to please Her because i knew that to do so i would have to cease to live and merely survive within the strictures of Her prejudiced acceptability of behaviour.
It is my flaw, my fault that i still yearn to give Her reason to smile at me. i smooth my hands down the silk and chiffon creation in palest pink that shimmers about my legs and i tell myself again that i am pretty. i have tried to slip into the veil of Their expectations and i coat my eyelashes in mascara and wear the twinkling little diamonds in my ears and i ask myself why is it still so important to me to have Their approval, why does it still hurt so much that She will not tell me that i am pretty and why do i ache for Her just to hug me.
i slip away into the farthest corner of the room and feel the comfort of the shadows as they wrap around me like a long lost friend that never questions. i watch Them all as though from a distance separated by this barrier of understanding and clarity of vision as though They are upon a stage performing Their rituals of greeting and showmanship, They turn to kiss each Other with painted pouting lips that never quite touch each others cheek, with insincere spoken words that float into nothingness as They turn away and continue to tear each Other apart in salacious gossip that They unthinkingly accept as social banter to while away the late night party hours.
Their beautiful plastic faces where smiles never quite reach Their eyes and Their hands flail in outlandish gestures because They dare not crease Their faces in animated expression. They talk and say nothing, They barely hear and never listen and i watch as They turn away in mid-sentence to catch Another's words that may indicate a juicier tit-bit to pass on to Their neighbour.
There is no warmth in Their touch, Their fingers are icy cold and Their eyes, for all the pretty colours and perfection of make-up, never shine with affection or care.
i can not judge these People, i dare not, because this is the world i come from, these are my Family, ”Friends” i have known since i was a child and yet None of Them know me. They see only the surface, only the veneer that They find acceptable; to see anything deeper and They would shudder into Their valium induced hypocrisy
i can not help but compare these People to Those Whom You have introduced me to within the meetings, gatherings and social events of the London “scene”.
i wanted desperately to blend into the shadows when You took me to the Munches. Yet these People Who had never seen me before, never spoken or heard of me before offered me more warmth, more care and affection than i know from my own Family. They reach out and hug me, real hugs where i can feel the strength of Their arms around me, real smiles when They look at me where Their eyes twinkle in natural beauty and crease in genuine affection at the corners.
There are no illusions; there is no pretence, no analysis of flaws and shortcomings…. Your Friends accept and include, They do not judge and exclude.
i watch Them as i clutch Your hand and i listen to Their laughter unashamed and stunningly real in music that resounds about the room. i can almost taste Their freedom, Their joy and love of life and it fills me with an intense glow of comfort, a feeling of belonging, of coming home.
These People look into the eyes of each Other when They speak, They listen intensely and discuss Their hopes and fears, They hug openly and frequently, it as if They need to share Their love of this life, Their warmth of affection overflows and saturates.
i find myself smiling simply because this happiness can not be measured by stocks and shares, by the rate of success and monies, it can not be sized by the hierarchy of society, it simply exists within You all because You know Who You are, and You revel in that joy of knowledge and as one Person's laughter rings out, Others join in because it can not be contained.
i thank You ALL for Your reality, for Your care and comfort, for Your joy and affection and i thank You most of all because You accept me within Your world.
And to You…the Master to my slavery… Do You understand me; can You see inside my mind? Do You know the way You make me feel?
When words are no longer needed and You permit my fear and shyness the comfort of being within the darkened candlelit shadows of Your rooms, do You know the fear that still shudders through me when You command me to strip off my clothes and lie upon Your bed?
i can feel myself trembling as fingers feel so clumsy trying to obey Your words, jerking uncoordinated movements tangled with embarrassment as i shed the garments that society demands i wear and stand, a moment, naked before You. i crawl across the warmth of the bed my hands and knees sinking a little into its softness as i lay stretched out before You. my fingers claw into the sheets and i press my face into the depths of the pillow. i pray that You can not see the trembling limbs and i know You can not hear the beat of my heart as it races beneath my breast.
i hear the slice of leather through the air and my body flinches instinctively before it even touches. i feel the traces of the soft leather flogger as it merely strokes across the bared flesh of my back and buttocks, a momentary cry as You lift it higher to bring a sting into its touch, and i begin to moan softly within my cries as it traces its sensitising touch across my skin.
my teeth bite softly into the flesh of my lip as i know Your hesitation is caused as You chose another weapon from Your arsenal of toys. The cane taps softly against the backs of my legs and i tense against the stinging slice upon my buttocks that i know will come all too soon. Yet even as i feel my fingernails dig into the soft flesh of my palm and i cry out because the bruising pain of the cane rod slices down against me, i acknowledge to myself that i need this, that i long to feel this, more still i long to feel this from You.
The pain that You allow me, the stinging slice of cane or crop as You bring it down across my flesh, the cries that it rips from me only bring me freedom, if i dared ever utter the words i would only ever beg You for more. The safe words that You so carefully explained to me have never been spoken, nor will i ever wish them to be, You have my control, You have my trust and i could never wish it otherwise.
my teeth bite into the pillows softness trying desperately to silence the screams that build within me as i feel the twin tailed lash across my back. i am confined and restrained only by Your command, yet those words tie as securely as any rope or chain. my body twists, flinching from the stinging slices of pain that raise blood red welts across the pale ivory skin of my back and as i whimper between each count i feel the shaming heated wetness that lays slick against my inner thigh. And at that moment, at that point when You bring the lash once more in vicious precision down across my back, something shatters into a million pieces inside me. i can physically feel it fall away from me and the pain is no longer there!! All that i feel is the warmth, the heat of Your touch through the lash, through the whip as it rises and falls across the candlelit paleness of skin. i weep within my cries as my tears moisten the pillows softness and i arc my body beneath the tender pain of Your ministrations.
i do not know when You move, i barely feel the movement of the bed as You reach for me and turn me onto my back. My eyes held tightly closed that i desperately do not wish to lose these sensations that weave with almost molten heat inside me and as i feel You enter me, Your pulsing hardness stretching me open to You, my fingers convulsively claw against Your back as my body arches from the bed to meet You and i want You so badly, to bring You the pleasure that You permit me, to hear the hastening of Your breathe as You have stolen mine, to feel the muscles deep inside me milk the pleasure from You.
You have heard me say that I can not understand Your love. You have heard me beg You not to use the word. Many times i have tried to reassure that i will never ask for anything of You, never tire You with expectations or suspicions. You will never be “mine”, and i acknowledge that i am with You only because it is Your pleasure to allow me to be. But when You hold me, when the trembling of my body can not cease, and i can not find the air to fill my lungs, when the sheen of sweat still shimmers across my skin and i feel You reach for me, turning me into the warmth of Your body, Your arms wrap around me as i bury my face into Your chest and i feel enveloped within Your care. i am frightened of the moment i will be alone again of the ache i will feel because a part of me is missing, a part that whether You realise it or not, You hold. For those moments that i am within Your arms, for that short time that i rest my head against You and hear Your heartbeat, i am at peace, nothing touches me except the wonder of Your presence….and i am complete.
kes
