Want the past (14)

I was a quiet black sheep in my family although I was never a good girl. I allowed myself to be used and pushed around, not that it ever bothered me. People would humiliate me but again I got no pleasure from it, but it was kind of normal.

I had two relationships, the first one lasted 4 months, the second nearly a year. Both were violent but it was no big deal.

Then came my twins and I mostly set about bringing them up.

I still find myself treated like crap by many people, things like agreeing times but do not turn up.

I am 27 now and have got to this point without really looking to stick a label on myself. I was made redundant in August and maybe because I have more time now or it was an event that has forced me to look at myself again. I find myself at a conclusion that while I get no pleasure in being used and humiliated I find I need this. I can't really explain it, is that bizarre?

I find myself wanting to go back to my teen years when I would have sex with anyone which I keep telling myself is insane. I find myself fondly remembering times when people talked degradingly about me in my presence and people referred to me as bitch or whore or something instead of my name..

Something far more insane, I fantasies about doing porn and with two seven year olds that is just nuts. Isn't it?

So can anyone identify with what I just wrote or am I just a basket case?

Rambling stopped

Vicky

I think you'll find the OP is a single parent and has two young children that they look after. As someone in a similar situation I can tell you that kink opportunities can be very limited, and you obviously need to ensure that all of mummy's toys are locked away when the little ones are around.

Counselling may be useful - I tend to think it is for everyone - but I think the insanity referred to is trying to juggle kids and kink...

I would say that everyone has a right to seek happiness, and that in itself is very sane. The problem may be the risk the OP will take to play, which cannot easily be reconciled with the needs of the children. And here I would encourage by saying I know some very safe people who I am sure could deliver exactly what she wants.

so... just normal for here really...

Cheers

Ian

See worlds on worlds compose one universe, observe how system into system runs

Many people dream about going back to days that have lived through, it can give hope, maybe you are a submissive, who has found it hard to find an outlet in a positive way.

You seem to care deeply for your family, this doesn't mean you have to miss out, please keep yourself safe, for yourself and them, no harm in trying the waters.

Put yourself as important as you are to you and the children. But do try and find some fun for yourself, if you are submissive. If it isn't for you, walk away.

There is some good advice out there, do look round the site well, take your time.

I wish you well.

You want me to do what with that???. How about I just do this, and twist it that way???? feels good does it, niceeeeeeeeeeeeee.

But that I thought of this this girl I knew who had a very privileged brought up and she was into humiliation like you've described. I know she was doing it because somehow, somewhere her experiences in life had overwhelmed her and consequences of very small bad decisions drove her into coping problems and taking control of life and she kept living a life this way all the while she told me and I knew that she never wanted it that way.

So really, my opinion, firstly, there is nothing wrong with you, and even if there is you should stop pulling your hair over it because that would make it worse without help. You're responsible for kids and really if you go to your GP and explain yourself only with the issue that you're overwhelmed in daily tasks and I'm sure he can arrange counselling for you, I would think that.

Redundancy is hard - and it depends what kind of person you are. If you take your work too seriously maybe it affected you at a personal level. I know a few of my friends who've been made redundant in past couple of years and one of them took it as a personal failure and shut down over the pain of it as equal to a level of death of a closed one - even when it wasn't his fault at all. So here again, you're not the only one.

I have to say here that late twenties isn't old or too late for anything. It's the time of life when you get real sense of life and if you don't have a well-defined life from your family eg. they made you a barrister or a doctor to begin with, then its the time when you figure yourself out for your heading in life. Look at you, you're a mum of two - that's a heading in life in some ways - so don't feel as if you're at the end of the opportunity road.

One thing that even I've to ask you, and I wanted to ask here and I think I have in my past posts is - Has someone really been lucky enough to be a theoretically true sub where they have let go of every aspect of life to a theoretically true dom and still been satisfied with their own intellectual, social, professional and financial goals? I've not come across this even though I've talked about this with close friends. What I mean by mentioning this here is that if you have some personal goals or definitions in life which you want to achieve, you would have to make arrangements yourself. In my opinion, no one would come around and pave your way and you sound like a go-getter so really only you get get yourself back on track, if at all you need to.

So, hit pause on you life, get ready to push reset if you think it's necessary, there is nothing wrong with that and during this 'pause' state, get counsel, re-evaluate you self and what you want and figure it out. Maybe you might figure you are a naughty girl who likes to be pushed around after all... or, or maybe a dom in the making :O

On the other hand, fantasies are just that. Shadows of the minds wanderings. They can be left there and not worried about, unless you find yourself trying to make them reality. Then there are two choices (and I'd suggest you think carefully about all the ramifications of that) or wander over the line and confuse fantasy with reality. Of course if you think East Enders is about real people, then you're already there.

Theres a market for nearly everything, in Sex.

I'm a bad, bad boy, and I'm going to steal your love.
b-b-b-b-bad to the bone! I make a rich woman beg, and a poor woman steal, An old woman blush, and a young girl squeal!

My childhood was emotionally and mentally abusive, though not often physically. I've known that I needed rough use and abuse from men since I was 13 and had my fisrt sexual experience!

I'm 49 now and still have these cravings and have been lucky enough to be able to have them fulfilled ... mainly via the lovely Dominant men I have met from this site and had some wonderful mutually enjoyable times with.

As has previously been suggested, time while your twins are at school could be set aside for you to explore, in a safe and sensible manner ... as you discover what it is that you really do respond to, and maybe, meet someone safe and sane to provide satisfaction to your needs!

If I try to analyse WHY I need this abuse I can only come up with conditioning from childhood and my desire for a comfort zone ... I now accept that THIS is who I am!

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/316085/

All the very best Vicky ... go with what feels right to you, use what advice means something to you, and feel free to memo if you wish.

Hugs, Meganne xxx

Nil Carborundum Illegitimo
www.costablancabdsm.com

Edited 19 Nov 11, 8:22 AM by meganne_in_spain

There is a difference, I think, between low self-esteem and submissiveness, something it has taken me a long time to separate out. And you can be both submissive and turned on by that and at the same time have low esteem (and seek the perverse mental safe place that having your low self esteem reinforced gets you back to).

From your post, I suspect that you have low self esteem issues but may also have submissive fantasies and the two are quite entangled. Before getting into potentially dangerous risky situations, I would suggest that you be sure that you will be made stronger, happier and happier about yourself by stepping into bdsm and not be doing it to get you back to the state of low self esteem it seems your family taught you that you should be in. I think, again from what you wrote, that even a short bit of counselling might be very useful.

As others have said, one way might be to dabble very gently at the edges of bdsm initially rather than throwing yourself in headlong. Experience suggests that that is harder to to than it seems. And be aware that bdsm people are just the same as the rest of the population and there are at least the same proportion of emotionally abusive exploitative people in the scene as outside it. Let the buyer beware is as important a principle n bdsm as when buying a used car.

One thing though. You are a single parent bringing up two kids, twins at that, and that makes you an amazing person especially if you are doing that on your own. Amazing.

ETA Having compared finding a Dom/me to buying a used car, I want to say that there are many wonderful caring dominant people out there who, whilst taking benign if painful control of their subs, also support and help them to grow. And many of them will say that their best subs are those who understand or learn that their submission is something to be proud of in a very positive way and to value themselves for being able to submit.

Edited 19 Nov 11, 12:48 PM by DrTaps

I'm a fervent believer that engaging in kink ( in a constructive way ) is a good method for dealing with issues from the past. Better than therapy, in some cases.

To answer your question in a slightly different way - yes, I'm sure lots of people look back at certain times of their lives and wish they could go back and do things differently.

I'm reasonably happy with my lot right now - but I can tell you honestly that if I could go back in time to fix the mistakes I've made ( the two or three really major ones at least ) then I would. I'm not so self-assured that I don't know that I've made some really bad decisions before. In a very real way, they haunt me sometimes. And going back to fix them.... it's a pleasant enough daydream though, but it doesn't really help.

Like Ol' Blue Eyes said ' regrets, I have a few - but then again, too few to mention... '

" Pow ! Right in the kisser ! "

This is how i see it too. Be aware that on one hand fantasies, wants and desires can be healthy and fun to act on, but also be aware that yours at the moment may be clouded by other things going on in your life right now.

As @Mephista said, exeperiment. Do it with people who you feel you can trust and who are happy to experiment with you without them feeling the need to push or take you somewhere you're not ready to go yet.

Good luck with it all.

x

Quick Lynn, run, they're sex people
@Modified_Bodies
@O_and_P
@LGB_Forum

She does *not* have fantasies involving children; all she is saying is that she has fantasies about doing porn, and the concludes that's insane, given that she has two children to take care of.

To the OP: I think there has been some good advice here so far. Don't confuse severe self-esteem issues and the fact that you've grown used or conditioned yourself to abuse with submissiveness in a BDSM way. I find it really scary when people claim to "need" something in a way that said need is apparently outside their control. It is emphatically *not* a good thing to "need" abuse. - I follow others in suggesting you see a therapist, and I am sure you will look back at your current life and realize how wretched it was compared to what you will be able to have in terms of happiness, satisfaction, and feelings of self worth. If you then decide that it's fun, interesting, or exciting to submit so someone (a specific person, not random abuse!), you can do so out of your own volition, knowingly, and without conflicted feelings.

Please see a therapist, you are worth it!

:-:-: Ropework :-:-:

I have highlighted the sentence that jumped out of the page at me... along with the other things you have written, it tells me - what you are finding you need are things that have been present in your life from a very young age - you have learned how to cope with those situations and feel "out-of-place"/uncomfortable when people around you behave differently towards you.

I suspect you find it difficult to know how to react to situations where people make you feel valued because it is not what you have experienced a great deal of in your life.

I find what you have written to be incredibly saddening because it portrays a person who has never really been given the opportunity to thrive with people who respect you and show you the respect you have a right to.

I wish you happiness... and not at the expense of your self-respect.

@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Conserve conversation and converse about conservation!

Edited 19 Nov 11, 5:51 PM by chartreuse