Why aren't men "nags"? (79)

So agree.

The thing is no-one DOES need to stay in a relationship which lacks mutual respect. It is a choice people make. We all have free will to walk away rather than just nag away.

If both partners failed to talk through problems and resolve them early, then they risk things going irrevocably wrong.

However, fear holds people back - fear of the unknown, insecurity and the upheaval. Denial or coming up with a list of reasons NOT to LEAVE the length of a roll of Andrex is easier for many than recognising the (positive) reasons to STAY would barely fill a small "post-it"!

Once that "sell by date" has been reached, it's gone off and time to bin it, as it's going to leave a bad taste in both mouths the longer it hangs around.

Let's say, for example, that a male (sub) has a terrible memory, he admits it, recognises it and gives the power of his memory to the woman (dominant).

When the male has something he has to do, something he himself wants to do and has told the woman about, in order for her to be his memory, to remind him because he will forget... is her reminding him of what his plans are "nagging"?

From my point of view... this could be either:

the male shirking his responsibilities

OR

the male handing control of his life over to the woman.

Which do you think it is?

Also, should the woman accept that responsibility (as his dominant) in order to support the male or should she let him forget and fail? If he knows (due to his past experiences and never having ever got the hang of remembering things himself) he will fail if not reminded and that is why he has asked for her support in this area, can her reminding him (something they both know he needs/wants) be considered "nagging"?

@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Conserve conversation and converse about conservation!

Why are men not called "nags"? That I don't know, though perhaps it is because men tend to have more and more public unpleasant terms for their female partners; women tend to keep that stuff more between themselves.

For myself, I have tried to learn not to nag and to hear what my Boss wants the first time. And wearing women's underwear has definitely taught me not to expect her to wear anything I couldn't wear for more tan 10 mins....

Edited 16 Nov 11, 8:33 PM by DrTaps

Hope is often a mask for denial when deep down they know it's over.

Staying together for the sake of the children is a classic excuse which as we all know is so ironic, since the children suffer more when they hear their parents arguing regularly and are miserable. Even worse are the parents who slag one another off to their children. No child wants to play piggy in the middle.

Although with divorce rates being so high these days I think people don't worry about failed relationships like they did 30 years ago where there was a real stigma. So the lack of stigma is probably a contributory factor to people's laziness and indifference to fixing problems as they arise.

It's a throw away society we live in - unfortunately - and too many people treat their relationships the same way. Walking into a relationship knowing there is always an easy get out clause allows such people to put less effort into making it work.

If one person is of that mindset from the outset, it's more likely to fail, even if the other is really committed.

It's not nagging if the man has a poor memory and has asked his partner to remind him of stuff to do.

Although, if he is so absent-minded, he really must either have a really hectic, demanding job/life so stuff gets forgotten unintentionally or else he just has the memory of a goldfish and is not the sharpest tool in the toolbox!

There is of course the third possibilit that he chooses to suffer from that old favourite "selective memory" and just abdicates his responsibilties by asking his Domme to act as his walking/talking diary and planner.

Does that make her his P.A then??? Hmmmm.....

All good points. It's men that tend to coin derogatory terms more often than women.

Happiness is a warm bum

Excellent insight and so true!

A fact true of either gender: Things that are important to us get done, and get done quickly. Things that are not as important can easily be put off.

The 'nag' starts when we have a difference of opinion as to what's important. When it's one partner's responsibility to do something that the other partner considers important, but the first partner doesn't really consider it so important, the problem starts. Sometimes it's a timing issue: I know it's important to do, I just don't agree it's important to do NOW.

The pertinent differentiator is the mechanism by which assignments are made between partners. Who assigns the tasks in your relationship?...do you each select your tasks from equality (e.g., I'll do the dishes...OK, I'll do the laundry)? Or does one person tend to make the assignments? This is really important. Are your assignments gender based according to traditional values? I read a great point by Ms. Rika back on a US-based board - some woman said she wanted her husband to "help out around the house" and Ms. Rika pointed out that the phrase "help out" implied that it was her work that needed to be done and he was doing her a favor by doing the work..he was "helping her out". In this case, the woman herself did not recognize that running a household is a SHARED responsibility, and let gender bias determine their assignments. Subtle, but those gender imperatives run deep.

In my life, 'nagging' came from my mother. My mother decided who did what when I was growing up (including my father's "tasks"), so it was natural that she relied on him and us to do things that we didn't consider very important...certainly not on her schedule...and so she found herself repeating, stomping, yelling, and yes...nagging.

I tend to quote Ms. Rika a lot (because I think she's brilliant and I read a lot of her writing). She says, "if you want a man to behave like a child, act like his mother".

If you find yourself nagging (and you don't like it), look at how you got there. Why can't you do whatever you want yourself? If you feel you SHOULDN'T because it's HIS responsibility, ask how it became his responsibility...did he volunteer for that task, or was he "assigned" it? Then ask why the timing needs to be the way it is. Why isn't he as aggravated as you are without it right now?

Look, in many cases, it probably IS his responsibility and it probably would be best done at that moment...but WHY doesn't he see it that way? Why is he acting like a child? Why doesn't he see his responsibility as an adult?

These are communication points...and it may not be an easy conversation...because frankly, it's much easier to be lazy and let gender-biased assignments rule a household. It's hard to recognize that certain activities are important enough to be shared and that both partners need to agree to step up to the plate and take on those assignments voluntarily.

Here is where I walk through the minefield: I believe you reap what you sow. If you allow yourself to accept traditional responsibilities, allow yourself to be the one doling out assignments (in a non-D/s manner), and are willing to nag to get something done, then that's what's going to happen. You will get what you tolerate and you have as much of a child on your hands as you allow yourself to mother.

Lastly, (and also something I've read from Ms. Rika), the word "Should" needs to be considered poison and removed from the vernacular. A man SHOULD consider this important...he SHOULD WANT to do it. I understand where it comes from (it's the basis for the conversations above), but getting frustrated over his lack of interest in things he "should" be interested in is fruitless. You both need to communicate better so you both understand why something is or isn't so important and then take responsibility from a shared, equal basis. Then your expectations of each other have a foundation.

The dynamics of D/s throw a HUGE monkey works into this discussion. For example, my wife cannot nag. She is a dominant - and all I want to do is make her happy - all the time...so if something is important to her, it's critical to me...Outside of a D/s dynamic, that simply doesn't exist with consistency, so that doesn't count.

Even our dynamic came as a result of this type of open communication. She knew what she would tolerate and made it clear to me. She's very consistent. This is the basis of our D/s dynamic. That's a different topic.

JC

Also, in my experience, women often nag about things that I can't do anything about. Then, when I don't do anything, simply because there really isn't anything useful that I could do about it, they get narked. What they actually seem to want is for me to make sympathetic noises rather than to do something tangible, and the frustration on the woman's part is not lack of tangible result, rather lack of commiseration, empathy and all that good stuff.

Haha!

So true...and I know a few 'old women'.

We really do need to create a new phrase for male nags.

Any suggestions?

you are a number. you're not a free man.

Edited 17 Dec 11, 3:19 PM by Sista_Sadista