explaining BDSM to a would-be partner (53)

Yes i have tried local munchies and even gone further a field trying to be up beat and positive and trying to stick to the beliefe 'Their is someone for everyone' or the other classic 'They are out there somwhere, you just got to keep looking', well if only i had a pound for every attempt in my search over the years!.

Yes the BDSM community is a small one, and in my experience it seems many know each other through events etc. But it is so much smaller again if like myself and many others you have a profile in the 'right places' and you attend the odd munch and get absolutely no where fast!, some times it feels like i/we are ghost!...lol.. That said, i could be with someone i just aint into, but why the hell would i do that!!?

I think beggars can be choosers!, the only reason i would or want to sub to a girl is because i fancy the ass off of her!, other wise i would'nt want to sub!!

It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice!!...

That's very sensible.

Why would a willingness to accomodate one's lover's suggestions indicate low self esteem?

We are going to have a wonderful time at Night of the Cane; why not join us?
http://www.the-firm.org/NOTCad.htm

Unless the person is a really good match in every other way and the only mismatch is kink.

That might seem a fairly bleak view, but on reflection I am sure you are right.

We are going to have a wonderful time at Night of the Cane; why not join us?
http://www.the-firm.org/NOTCad.htm

We originally met through a nilla dating site (a Russian language one) and I knew from the outset she was interested in dressage. On our first date, I was suprised and shocked at how tall she was (6ft2) and her natural beauty.

After getting to know one another, a few months later we were going through a bad patch and it was then that I said something along the lines of "I like it when you're strict with me", "I like to make your life easier", "I like to be punished/rewarded depending on my behaviour". Again, such words were difficult to find as I didn't learn how to say this in Russian classes.

Anyway, my advice would be to get to know the girl first. Ask questions on fashion (a lot of fetish clothing is in mainstream fashion now, re: Lady Gaga etc), or drop subtle hints about dominant women in films etc. If she's not interested or isn't biting (not literally), then you'll know she's not the one for you.

It worked for me, introducing D/s to a nilla girl - in Russia I don't have any choice as we have no scene here. I wouldn't tell a girl on a first date - especially if you know she's nilla. Think what does she know about it ...only what she's read in the Sun or Daily Mail? Hearsay and rumors from friends?

If you have access to munches, events like LAM or BBB where there is a social gathering - you are more likely to meet a dominant female there. At least someone who is curious in it, then you can help introduce FemDom to her ...at her pace of course.

Good luck!

I certainly wouldnt try to adress or mention the physical angle of bdsm at first, but I would rather focus on the mental/emotional one.

You could casually mention how you respect women, that you like to put women on a pedestal, that you like to do things for her, make her feel comfortable, that you actually like to be asked to do things for her, for example that you like to give long relaxing (feet???) massages without expecting anything in return.

You could also suggest that you would like to cook for her, clean for her, do her grocery shopping (she just needs to send you a list), or do chores around the house, feed her cats when she is visiting her parents for the weekend, etc. etc. Again, without expecting anything in return here.

In public, let her decide where she wants to go (simply ask her what she fancies and make that happen), make sure to treat her very courteously, open doors, pull chairs, light her cigarettes, have her coat ready for her when you leave, etc. etc.

Bring her small presents, during dates. Make sure they are personal ones, and not kink related.

If she reacts well on that, perhaps take it a step further and mention that you feel the female in a relationship should have a bigger say in how the relationship develops than the male.

Also, you could mention some female role models (from politics, novels, tv, popculture, fashion, whatever) you like, as an example.

When you happen to be lucky and get to the bedroom, mention that HER needs and wants come first, that your major aim is to make her feel good, and that you like her to take the lead and tell you what to do. And... make sure that happens! So... dont let your own sexual needs come before hers indeed. Prove it!

I guess, when you get that far, the obligatory bdsm conversation wouldnt present that many problems. Good luck!

"Class is the impartial, consistent display of emotional integrity."

Edited 6 Nov 11, 1:41 AM by othyim

You have the chance to seriously impress a new 'nilla partner in a relationship with your willingness to please, to accomodate her needs, to go the extra mile. Chances are she won't have had this from previous 'nilla partners. You don't have to label this in a BDSM context, quite simply YOU are the one who will do all this because you like to make HER happy.

Assuming the basis of a good relationship exists, the important stuff like mutual attraction, getting on well together and enjoying each other's company you can develop it from there.

My partner and I are lucky enough to think particularly alike. We're very open with ideas and suggestions and either of us would do pretty much anything the other suggested. If you adopt this attitude with your partner you may find that if one partner getting excited excites the other, then doing whatever makes your partner excited becomes fun and exciting in itself. No labels required!

We've done things, bought things, tried things that I hadn't ever thought about before (and I have a vivid imagination), just because we think they'll be fun or exciting.. and they are.

So, the advice I'd offer you is take a different approach. Rather than attempt to "explain BDSM to a would-be partner", think more along the lines of how to give a new partner ideas to discover, achieve and maintain an amazing sex life.

Unless she is, and she is not aware of it, which can happen of course, and the OP manages to bring it out for the first time.

I agree. There are a lot of 'vanilla' women who enjoy bdsm that haven't yet discovered the kinky community, the protocol, the weird(!) clothes, etc. Also, some are into it and refuse to admit it - even to themselves - because of various perceived taboos and other negative perceptions about bdsm in general. I'm seeing and corrupting a vanilla girl at the moment and I'm having just as much fun introducing aspects of bdsm to her bit by bit and yes, it's working well - so far. Anyway, the overwhelming majority of those that are into bdsm started out as vanilla and had a moment of discovery or enlightenment somewhere along the way. Being the catalyst that enables someone's kink to be realised and liberated must be a good thing.

Yes, there are some fantastic people already within the bdsm community, but I suppose the bottom line for me is I couldn't care less whether they've discovered IC and the online fun, or if they've already been to a munch or club, or bought a corset or not. If I did I would just be restricting myself to fishing from an increasingly - and seemingly - incestuous, small pool. Someone has to bring the fresh 'stock' in from somewhere!