This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Sun 30 Oct 11, 2:29 PM Ms_Rika US, 7 mths  |
I was participating in another thread (Giving and Receiving Punishments) when one of the participants mentioned "Rewards". Rather than respond there and hijacking the thread, I decided to start another. For those of you who have read my book or my posts before, you already know what I'm about to write. But since I'm new to IC, I thought I'd throw this out here and see if it drums up a discussion. I'm absolutely against giving rewards to my submissives for good service. Here is my rationale: Good service is a promised by virtue of his commitment to submit. He cannot barter or exchange it for things he likes. It is never on a negotiating table and it is never unexpected or exceptional when he delivers it. There is no Quid-Pro-Quo when it comes to serving at his top ability. I differentiate between Rewards and Treats. Treats are given when I feel like it, because I want to give something, because I'm in the mood. I'm all for giving my subs treats - because we are in a relationship and I like to see them happy and fulfilled. I treat my subs regularly to things they enjoy but I don't feel are really service to me. I do these things FOR THEM...because I love them and their happiness is important to me and to the health of our relationship. But treats are never promised, never demanded, never expected, and never directly linked to a particular action. They are completely at my discretion. Contrast this to rewards. Rewards carry an implicit promise. By definition, they are given in exchange for, or because of, some action. Most of the time, they are specified in advance of the action: "100 reward for the return of my lost wallet", "10,000 for the person with the highest sales this month", "If you do a good job with your chores, I'll remove your chastity belt.". There is an implied Quid-pro-quo to a reward. I will not use a reward system to modify my submissive's behavior. Just as I don't use punishments. Good behavior is expected. I expect the man to provide the self-discipline required to perform at peak efficiency...BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SERVE TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY and is grossly disappointed in himself when he doesn't. If you offer a reward in exchange for service, you are implicitly giving the sub a choice. He decides, "Is the reward enticing enough for me to provide this action?" Sorry, I'm not really interested in him making that decision. I have found that being clear with this - and being clear that, by submitting to me he is accepting the responsibility of submission, men are far more likely to step-up to their promises and deliver without me having to act like their mother. Treat often and generously...never reward. It's more than semantics. - Rika | |
| 30 Oct 11, 2:43 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs  |
I might have been the person saying in general in most relationships and in work carrots work better than sticks. however I certainly agree with you that I wouldn't expect a load of rewards to be dished out all the time purely because I do what I'm told. I'm submissive. that's how I am. That's the dynamic. That's the deal. It's nice to be appreciated but I don't need a dominant man kneeling kissing my feet because I'd done what he's said. | |
| 30 Oct 11, 2:46 PM Souci_X UK(BA), 5 yrs |
Two things, firstly I have to be honest this OP put me on edge, its not that it actually says anything bad but the way it was said makes me want to disagree instantly, look for a flaw I have no clue why and it may just be me but there we go. I personally don't see the problem with rewards if that is the way the dynamic is set up there are many motivations for submission, I would argue being told 'good girl/boy' is seen as a reward to some people here, also I would say that if the 'service' is above and beyond expectation then there needs to be recognition of that. Perhaps just me. | |
| 30 Oct 11, 2:57 PM Ms_Valentine UK, 9 yrs |
In my post on the 'Punishment' thread, I mentioned 'rewards' and in my relationship the rewards for @paulss are seeing me happy. That is it. Nothing else is a reward. I do not give rewards. As Ms_Rika says about her situation, everything else he gets are treats, things given by me, when I like, in the way I like and as often or not as I like. It stops an 'entitlement' attitude and makes clear that I am in charge at all times. It has worked very well for the nine year span of our relationship after one very early misunderstanding on his part meant I had to show him the importance of the difference between a reward and a treat. He has never made that error again.
Mistress of @paulss My PD blog at http://mistress-keene.blogspot.com/ http://twitter.com/#!/Mistress_Keene Edited 30 Oct 11, 4:26 PM by Ms_Valentine | |
| 30 Oct 11, 2:57 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs  |
@Ms_Rika... I think you know I am in agreement with you, however, unlearning the reward system is very difficult to do but... I appreciate, with words more than actions. I also give treats for my subs, just because I want to and not because I feel it is expected. The treats can be either bought or otherwise e.g. I might cook a meal or take them out for one, I might buy them something they have said they like or something I have observed them enjoying, even something that will remind them of a moment/place spent doing something together that was enjoyed by us both. I don't want someone to perform for treats but to serve me because they wish to do so.
@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Conserve conversation and converse about conservation! | |
| 30 Oct 11, 3:18 PM anne_marie  UK(SE), 5 yrs |
When He feels like treating me I get a gold star, I can then exchange gold stars for things I like/need. (trip to the hairdressers was the last 'reward') If I am particularly attentive or if I take a good beating without too much drama, He may be more inclined to give me a star but it is not expected. It is probably averaging one a month and I have to have 4 to 'cash in' my treat. (But He still gets to decide how I have my hair cut.)
If the above post upsets you please contact xAdamx He WILL punish me. Please note I will enjoy said punishment. | |
| 30 Oct 11, 3:23 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
I like that idea... it could come in useful, sometimes.
@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Conserve conversation and converse about conservation! | |
| 30 Oct 11, 4:23 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
I think you'd have to pay me to endure the hairdressers (or go shopping or watch any kind of sporting even for that matter). I was delighted to forgo a fre luxury spa day recently. However that's not the point, it's finding something which is a reward that works, if you go in for rewards or treats. For me because I'm not materialistic a treat or reward would be something like stuff cleared out of the house, the divestment of possessions perhaps or time like today clearing branches in the garden. Perhaps my eccentricity is yet another reason why I am hard to match.
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| 30 Oct 11, 4:29 PM misunderstoodslave UK(OL), 2 yrs |
Well it depends what you mean by a reward. I don't expect rewards for serving to the best of my ability, it's his right to expect it. But I have within the last couple of days asked to be released (not being, but I still got to the point where I asked) over the issue of having my efforts go entirely unrecognised recently, not even the occasional good slave, or good girl that I do feel I have a right to expect and indeed need. Just to keep me sane. No one is so pure in their service that they don't need the occasional acknowledgement. | |
| 30 Oct 11, 4:43 PM mia UK(M), 4 yrs       |
This is pretty much how it works for us. Except, i do have a 'reward chart', which i get stickers and stars for for random acts of something he appreciates. It might be for a good joke i've told (ha!), or a really nice tea i've cooked, or for helping him with something that's been on his mind. Now i can do all those things and not get a reward or i can do them and get one, so it is more of a treat, as it's not x for y, for example, but it is nice to see a visual representation of how often i've made him extra happy enough to grant me a sticker. x Quick Lynn, run, they're sex people | |
| 30 Oct 11, 6:14 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Well in loads of longish relationships one person takes the other very much for granted. I am sure it's a huge cause of many marriage break ups. It's very difficult to avoid that and I suppose you just have to keep working on it on both sides and showing appreciation.
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