The_Problem_Page's profile . The_Problem_Page group posts
Posted by The_Problem_Page on Mon 17 Oct 11, 6:36 AM to the The_Problem_Page group.
Anonymous OP
I had a relationship with a sub partner for around nine months, and we split three months ago. I tried to get back with him as I thought we were a perfect partnership and I'd made a mistake, but his response was that he didn't go back, which is fair enough. I fell for him big style. I think it was obvious that my feelings for him were much stronger for him than his were for me and I think he is still hung up on a previous partner, which is probably why he reacts like that now.
Anyway eventually things got easier, we contacted each other occasionally and we maintained our friendship once I had got over the worst of splitting up.
Recently we have been in contact virtually daily, for much of the day via text and e mail. He has many varied problems and I have kept in contact with him as he needs someone, although he doesn't seem to realise it. Obviously he doesn't want that person to be me, but I cannot ignore him when I know he is suffering and need's someone. He is lonely and isolated. I dropped all my plans to go there when he hit crisis point, which I didn't mind doing at all.
My problem is that I am upset and feeling heartbroken all over again. I am scared to leave him be and stop contacting him so frequently because he needs someone and doesn't really have anyone who he can talk to on a daily basis. I have suggested that he contact other friends and explained that if they are friends they will support him, but he just doesn't. So I feel obliged as a friend to keep in regular contact.
Yet, I know I need to back off and go my own way so I can get over him once and for all.
Should I be selfish and look after myself or should I suffer and be there for a friend? Will it get easier?
What should I do? Please help.
| 17 Oct 11, 12:07 PM RotHund UK(FY), 8 mths  |
I was thinking about sending this to you in a memo, but thought others may find reading it of use. The first thing I'd like to say is you half know the answer already. You are both making mistakes in this; your Ex is using you as an emotional battery so that he doesn't have to face the issues in his life. But you're also allowing him to do this rather than face the real problem. It's cold of me to say it like that because this is someone you care about. Yet we now have one of those deep meta-physical points to deal with: Which is the greater expression of love? To sacrifice you so they can have a short term happiness and be needed, or hurt them so they can have their own happiness the future on their own? Being a recent recipient of the NHS's adult mental health services treatment, I can speak with some experience about how things may be going on for you and your friend. Given that he's rejecting friends and pulling you towards him to me suggests he knows something really bad is going on, and consciously or unconsciously he's making sure he has a failsafe. There is an emotionally bond between you, and have shown that, in a relationship or not, that bond is strong, much more than between any friends. What you're going to face is that even if you fix the problems he faces, you're now his support system and this will happen from now on. I'd love to say that I will be wrong in this point, but given how you put across your Ex's emotional fragility, I think there will always be 'problems'. Mental health support is all about giving people choices and tools, never about answers. You need to do that, let your friends know you are there for support and help, not the pseudo-relationship you're giving him (After all, think about it, bar the physical side, you are to a certain degree having your old relationship given the level of emotional intimacy). Sometimes you have to let the people you care about dissolve into a pile of tormented, pain wracked goo so they finally go “I can't live like this!”. That's when they gain their own motivation to change their own lives, so you become a means of support and help, not a surrogate way to get through life. While I'm sure you can guess my personal feelings on the matter, you can't ultimately make any right choice. It's just a question about varying amounts of pain and who feels that pain. The secret of the universe is this: The universe doesn't care, that part of the job is yours. | |
| 18 Oct 11, 1:08 PM SinPar US, 12 yrs  |
SinPar
-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis) | |
| 29 Oct 11, 2:55 PM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
you want him he wants his ex,, think about this,, are you giving him attention to try to get him back whilst all the time he's thinking of his ex,, he is useing you and you are useing him as emotional crutch's LET GO free fall from this crap,,, you are not comfort blankets for each other,, he has friends well let him meet up with them,,, dont tell him ,, if he calls dont answer because your busy,, you cannot get his life in order if your life is not in order you cannot manipulate him to forget his ex over you,, at the end of this he will turn on you one way or the other because you will have made yourself the close's thing he can vent against,, if you insist on closeting him further you will make the matter worse,, live you life ,,, he is not the one for you ! sorry sounds harse Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish |
