This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Fri 14 Oct 11, 6:59 PM unedeuxtrois UK(RM), 12 mths  |
after recently beginning a relationship with an utterly wonderful man, i find myself struggling with the D/s dynamic outside of 'the bedroom'- so to speak. the lovely man is by no means one of the uber-dom types neither is there a master/slave or O&P set up, its difficult to articulate what it is exactly, but there are certain aspects of it that i find difficult to get my head around at times. this is my first experience with D/s, and i feel very safe with who i am experiencing it with, but struggle with finding a balance in the inbetweeny every day situations.
has anyone else struggled with this? is it a beginner's issue? any ideas on how to overcome such a predicament? i mean the man is wonderfully patient and understanding but there's only so many mental moments he can cope with. thanks x | |
| 14 Oct 11, 7:11 PM foxgirl UK(LN), 22 mths |
Mine and I have a power exchange that is pretty ongoing. I go through enormous spells of really disliking that he wants authority outside of the bedroom. I get angry and irritable and whilst I wouldn't break any of the rules, I don't go above or beyond them at all. I sort of do the minimum possible to still be complying and not being disobedient, because the relationship in its entirety is absolutely my priority. But it took a couple of those spells for me to realise that they pass. It also took a couple of those spells for me to realise that he doesn't need to be bothered by them. Obviously if he asks for something extra during a time where I'm silently cursing him for daring to oppress me outside of a sex situation I'll explain why it's more difficult that usual. (I can hear myself saying "I'm oppressed!" and please believe that I'm sat typing this rolling my eyes at myself.) As always with these things, your mileage may vary. This is only the way I've found it. If as you say it's your first real experience of ongoing D/s there are bound to be hiccups and you both need to be patient with each other whilst you work out the niggles, but I'm pretty sure you'll agree it's well worth it. Best of luck. (: | |
| 14 Oct 11, 7:17 PM twilightsilence UK(ME), 16 mths |
I struggled terribly with this problem in my first/last D/s relationship, but for different reasons. It was always very easy to be submissive in scene or in the bedroom but when we weren't together, I found it really difficult.
I'm not sure how to get over it, I never did manage to but I wish you luck x Approach with caution.....I may not have had my coffee! | |
| 14 Oct 11, 7:22 PM foxgirl UK(LN), 22 mths |
Also, if your man is anything like mine I wouldn't worry that there's a limited quota you've got for mental moments! I've been a certifiable fruit loop at various times (more than I care to admit) and he's still not given up on me yet! | |
| 14 Oct 11, 7:32 PM Chocolate_Kitten UK(SA), 3 yrs |
I am in a D/s relationship with a wonderful man who I met on IC nearly 9 years ago. From my experience, the every day submitting is hardest, but also most rewarding - so really worth persevering. Yes, the physical is great, and gets better and better, which blows my mind - but the emotional connection, that has helped me through really tough times in every day life, putting my trust in his decisions when the decisions have been life changing - this has all brought us closer. But - yes - it does get on my wick sometimes too!! I think it's important to give each other space, even though we are close emotionally, sometimes physical distance helps put things into perspective (even though taking the dogs out is one of my jobs - it's also my escape too!!) and also always communicating how you're feeling - and finding a mutual way to deal with these times so that you don't just have the thoughts festering away which will one day come out in all the wrong ways and cause a bigger rift between you. Good luck! | |
| 14 Oct 11, 7:46 PM NoCoverGirl UK(LS), 15 mths |
Hmm - this would be something I'd struggle with as well! If you're sure that submission outside the bedroom is something you want to do, then I suppose you've just got to try and stick with it. Communication seems to generally help matters. If it's something that you're not sure you're actually comfortable with then maybe still talk to him about that - he may be able to suggest a way forward? You might be able to maybe just submit in some areas and not others, and see how you feel later on?
Either way, good luck | |
| 14 Oct 11, 8:11 PM Muzzlehatch UK(TN), 7 yrs  |
Don't beat yourself up over it. You're new to it, and there is no great destination that you have to reach out for. Take your time and let the relationship develop at it's own pace. If it's a relationship you intend to be in for some time, what's your hurry? Owner of The Croppery Dungeon and Breakfast. Organises The St Leonards munch. | |
| 14 Oct 11, 8:38 PM the_transformatrix 8 yrs |
Talk about it with him. I know there are those who would disagree, but it's not just about him- you both need to find your level and adapt your approach. For some people the language, tone, body language and so on are really important and that's something you work on together. We are all fairly in control in day to day life so adapting to a changed situation within that takes time ans effort from both parties. You may find he finds it as awkward as you do!
| |
| 14 Oct 11, 8:44 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Perhaps give an example of where it's a problem. For me I have much much more often had a problem with not being controlled enough outside of the bedroom than the other way round but except in my marriage I hevn't lived with someone or got to a point where any major decisions might be taken so I suppose Iv'e had it easy. if it's just you're staying with someone and he is deciding if you eat XYZ or go out hiking or go swimming I never find it hard for a man to decide that as it just feels easy and natural. If someone were ordering me to send my chidlren to boarding school or something like that I would and I would refuse in that case. | |
| 14 Oct 11, 11:10 PM Gettin_better UK, 21 mths |
If its a new ish relationship are you fully aware of whats expected of you? Do you know what he thinks the relationship is? For a long time i thought i should 'be' a certain way... some of that was what i thought Himself wanted me to be... and some of that was what i thought i should be.... somewhere in the middle of that, *I* went missing... found again now though... i think!!! But for a while, it was bumpy... Get up. Get over it. Get on with it. | |
| 15 Oct 11, 8:55 AM redvixen75 UK, 8 mths |
it's been a long while since i was in a r/t bdsm relationship but when it's new it can take a long time working out what is expected and wanted and balancing that with your own life. i think it's very important to try to slow yourself down and communicate as often you get carried away and miss the real communication and then you both can end up mis-matched because you've misunderstood each other. if he's patient like you suggest then take the time to sit and talk everything through, it will be so worth it in the end. good luck xx |
