This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| Fri 14 Oct 11, 11:32 AM Innocentgirl UK(SO), 4 yrs   |
Another serious question, I'm afraid. I am currently in the middle of trying to introduce a mainly vanilla partner to the joys of BDSM and kinky fun. Now, since I tried a suggestion by a lovely member of IC to write him some kinky erotica, he's been far more interested and open in trying various activities to spice things up. (Funnily enough, it worked better than trying to take him to a club, buying books on the topic and trying to just sit down and talk about it). There seems to be one part I'm really having trouble communicating well, though, and I was hoping that some of you lovely (and wonderfully not-so-lovely) people could help me out. To put it bluntly, I'm having trouble explaining 'what's in it for him.' Bondage looks boring to him (more so at first, I think he's starting to see it has a few uses, though he's yet to be fully won over), he hasn't got an overtly sadistic streak (well, not that we've discovered yet), and a lot of kinks and related paraphanalia just cause a blank look and a 'huh?' Now, as somewhat of a Masochist myself, besides trying to explain the obvious (e.g, it hurts soooooo goooooood), when turning my mind to the actual Dominant perspective, I came up blank. What is in it for you guys? As submissives, we get the joy of submitting, of giving up controal, of relaxing and knowing we're in safe hands. Those who enjoy pain or serving know that (if playing safely, etc) their gift of submission and surrendering to the Dominant will be taken safely and seriously, and, undoubtibly, they do get something in return. So what do the Dominants get? Along with the big ol' blank I originally drew, I've since only come up with negatives; the blaim if anything goes wrong, a bigger rist legally, the responsibility for planning the scene and looking after the submissive while they're in situations that they can't protect themselves in, the responesibility of making sure their skills with certain toys haven't waned and that basic safety proceedures are in place. I would really appreciate a more concise (prefrably positive!) explanation / opinion on what any of you Dominants out their actually get from playing or from D/s dynamics.
Thank-you so much in advance Evie x Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes straight to the bone. | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 11:43 AM Quality_Control2 UK(SO), 9 mths |
For me, not only is the fun in creating and controlling the scenarios but I also get a tremendous kick in knowing the pleasure my sub is experiencing. Win-win, I would have thought. | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 12:09 PM AnaisHugo UK(HP), 10 mths |
For me it is in me. I want to Dom, I get a buzz from it, I love to see the reation I have created in my Sub. So if he is not getting anything ( or enough) out of it maybe he doesn't sit naturally with being a Dom otherwise his body and head would be getting more out of it & he wouldn't be asking the question ??? | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 12:15 PM pleasureswitch UK(E), 6 yrs |
A cooked breacfast and Cock suckin on demand. Honestly if you're tryin to sell it, I'd keep it simple. "Yeah I like Kinky stuff,dirty dark pervy stuff,weird sex....
An' Yerself ?" | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 12:20 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs       |
Tell him endless blow jobs upon his command. That would probably work. LOL  Serously, I suppose it depends on your dynamic, but for some FemDommes (I can only speak for myself but know others who feel the same), it is the service aspect of getting things done, foot massages, baths run, tea fetched, along with the ability to tell them to just "shut up and bend over that chair" when we want them to or if they decide to have a whinge and need punished. Good luck.
@Play_Space - First Birthday Bash THIS FRIDAY -http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/306786/4/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/... | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 12:49 PM chrismanch  UK(M), 11 yrs |
Empathy. Although I would hate to be tied up and have things done to me but when I do that with someone else I can experience their enjoyment of it through their reactions to what I am doing. Chris | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 12:58 PM phoenixgirl UK, 8 mths |
If someone doesn't feel any stirring of a turn on from these ideas then I'm not sure it's something you can "sell" as an idea. | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 1:37 PM morgan_stern UK, 2 yrs |
That maybe right. You can't put SM where it just isn't! If he had any dom in him, wouldn't it be obvious to him? But for me it's just the joy of the freedom she gives me with her body. The freedom to do as I please, whip it, cane it, stroke it, have it by me whenever I need a breast to squeeze or my cock needs sucking...and always knowing that she is getting turned on by having all the aforementioned done! What's not to like???? | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 3:02 PM AstronautMikeDexter UK(E), 2 yrs |
Well a large part of sex is that it is highly reciprocal. It turns me on to see that my partner is turned on. I enjoy seeing my partner is enjoying whatever. Which is also why I'll happily indulge my partner's kinks even when they are not something I'm particularly into. | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 3:07 PM Lalita UK(BS), 6 yrs |
It's all a matter of perspective. The main thing that someone would get out of being dominant is that it gets them off and it makes them feel good. As others have mentioned, not everyone has dominant leanings, so it simply won't work for everyone. I for example do not get off on the idea of being dominant, but I'm glad there are those who do! One could equally ask what do you get out of being submissive? The idea of having to do as you're told and being spanked/flogged/violently probed etc would be a real turn-off for many people. Not for me though. Anybody can be fabulous. You got a hump on your back? Put some glitter on it and have a party. | ||||||
| 14 Oct 11, 3:52 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
I'm not dominant but I've always known dominant men get as least as much out of dominating me as I get from submitting to them. They love it. If you have it in you to want to control and exercise power even just thinking about it makes lots of men go hard (IF they are into it). This chap doesn't sound into it at all though, does he? He's not thinking if I tie her up I can have her at my mercy for hours, I can do XYZ without let or hindrance etc etc He just doesn't get that or want it and why should he? If someone is vanilla as he seems to be surely some advantages are that (a) you might get a woman who is going to be giving you more sex so it might spice things up (b) you might be nicer to him generally if you get what you want. |
