How do you get your kinky fix when.... (17)

So far, I've found BDSM porn alone isn't cutting it. I'd be really interested to hear how others have kept their kinky sides happy whilst in vanilla relationships.

Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes straight to the bone.
Feeling uncomfortable on IC since January 20th 2011.

Edited Mon 2 Jan 12, 4:06 PM by Innocentgirl

Just promise me you'll steer clear of ropes, lemons and chairs! Auto-erotic asphyxiation is SO mid-90's.

Alternatively, find a relationship that lets you explore that side of you (although perhaps a topic for another post).

L

Sometimes there's no ideal resolution available; one has to find the least bad option. Approaches can be broadly categorised as follows (in no particular order):

A. ending the relationship and seeking a BDSM relationship

B. "perverting" your partner so you can get fulfilment within the relationship

C. suppressing or denying your own appetites ... perhaps gaining some fulfilment by indulging in self-help and fantasy

D. asking partner to allow you "outside interests" or even to turn your relationship to a polyamorous one

E. having online or real life "outside interests" (and intimate activities) without partner's knowledge

I've described these as broad categories because there are lots of shades of grey in between. All can have good and bad aspects; different levels of fulfilment and risk.

The best approach will depend on many aspects of your own situation and personal circumstances. Some may be completely impossible, and some may prove impossible after trying. The approaches which involve persuading partner to accept changed relationship dynamics (B & D) may take great patience.

If it seems difficult, spare a thought for those who have been in a relationship for 20 years plus!

If poly seems an option, there's a poly related group on IC here http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/groups/The_Poly... .

Best wishes and best of luck in finding fulfilment and resolution.

"Wisdom begins in wonder” (Socrates)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" (Albert Einstein)
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/226772/

Edited 10 Oct 11, 7:52 AM by wonderer

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

It's not something I "like" doing because of the risk of being found out, although the other half is aware, she is not aware of the extent of such activities.

Those I indulge in are made aware of the situation, and some are a bit uncomfortable with it. But, it's a way of life, like eating, drinking, whatever. It's a difficult dilemma to which there is no easy answer.

I too have tried self-bondage and like like over the years, but it's not really the answer Has the OP tried going to clubs? If she's discussed it with her o/h, then that may be the answer. My o/h told me years ago she didn't mind me going as long as I go back to her every time.

Maybe a poly relationship isn't the answer as very few nilla people want to share their o/h with someone else in my view.

Supplier of classic motor omnibuses for weddings and all sorts of events in the south of England.

"A man who does not think for himself does not think at all." - Oscar Wilde
"If you go to see the woman, do not forget the whip." - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Does your partner have 'needs' that you arent aware of ? You have a photo of a well spanked bottom in your profile - is that yours and did someone spank you - or was it all self done ?. If it was your partner - then at least they have proven they can spank you.

You can always try adultfriendfinder or alt.com or fet life.

I've yet to know a man (or even sometimes a lady) who want respond to a uniform. Surprise your partner - a little St Trinians number - short tartan skirt, white knickers etc as he's watching TV. Failing that - go the other route - cat suit, hand cuffs - and maybe the promise you'll get it on with another lady etc.

If no response after any of the above - then I would probably say it's time for a chat, and maybe move on - life is far too short. If you can get a relationship that involves normal vanilla stuff - with a nice BDSM / CP twist in the bedroom - then you have got the best of both worlds.

http://www.tight-fit.co.uk

For various, not particularly kink related, reasons we decided to explore an open relationship. I used that opportunity to get back into kink and started going to local events and playing with other people. I had started a relationship with someone else (with the knowledge and consent of my fiancé) and we're enjoying kink together. It mostly play-only kink (not lifestyle or 24/7) but that's what I'm comfortable with at the moment.

I've met a few people on the scene and have played with others, and that is also something I'm enjoying. I don't do 'casual kink' in the sense that I need to feel real chemistry for who I play with. That doesn't mean I need to be in a relationship with them, just that I won't present my bottom for any random to have a go on.

I now consider myself polyamorous, which is something I'd suppressed about myself for a while. That change in lifestyle has taken some getting used to and could not have worked without clear communication with my fiancé and other partner. Even so, there are still some issues to work through and complicated emotions that are less than pleasant.

This approach won't work for everyone - trying to have multiple partners or having some kind of open relationship will be the perfect solution for some people but could also kill any pre-existing relationships of one (or more) partner is uncomfortable with it.

If trying an open relationship doesn't work, you can try to 'kink up' your current relationship, suppress your needs (self-BDSM aside) or explore kink without your partner knowing. Or you can leave and try to find someone more compatible.

It's not easy.

Don't you just love goodbyes?

Firstly, I found that leaving decisions to fate could do a reasonable job of creating the tension and excitement that I desired. Pick yourself a task that is outside of your comfort zone and then leave the roll of a die or the flip of a coin to determine whether you have to go through with it. It may sound corny, but it worked for me. I still do this sometimes when I'm working away from home and stuck in a hotel overnight on my own.

Secondly, there's always on-line encounters and relationships. It's up to the individual's conscience, but I never really considered that to be cheating. I'd experimented a few times with having people dominate me on webcam. When it worked, it pushed all of the right buttons, though I quickly found that most people weren't really on my wavelength. It was always random people though, and I might have found something more intense with one individual long-term. Then again, that might have felt more like cheating.

Edited 10 Oct 11, 11:54 AM by pinkpunk