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| PhoenixAmber |
on Sun 2 Oct 11, 10:12 PM to PhoenixAmber's blog.
A journal…sort of!
I have had one of those weeks that makes me look at my life and smile.
A restless night prior to my journey last week.
Waking up with butterflies in my stomach, because, like a child, I'm excited at a new adventure.
One of those train rides where the blurry countryside is the backdrops for 'I hope I know what I'm doing' type thoughts.
Knowing as an adult that the 'first' only ever feels this way once. There may be nerves next time but for a much better informed reason. *grins*
A whole day of nothing but new, everything unfamiliar and interesting, new city, some new faces, new environment. There is something thrilling about peoples reactions, how I react to new situations, how people react to me, how that changes over time (it's the social scientist in me I'm sure) The realisation that somehow something new has been created, a new interaction. Strange perhaps but I love it. A few days full of interest, excitement and some nerves and a huge change from a noisy house full of kids and chaos. Lots of chat, and simply enjoying the visit.
After that a fantastic 'child' experience (the details of which I'm not going to blog about)that will not be forgotten, innocent, tentative, but very beautiful and with hindsight quite a healing experience. Opening up that space was my biggest fear, I didn't register before hand how much that fear was carried with me, I think I had hidden, even from myself the depth of my fear of going back to my childhood. The only time I had gone there were in uncontrolled flashbacks triggered by smell, or some other trigger rooted in a traumatic memory. I had only ever been helpless and voiceless in my actual childhood.
It gradually dawned on me after the experience how much fear of my world crumbling I held onto because of past experiences. Some triggers from my actual childhood have caused damage and trauma before and although the past trigger was dealt with amazingly by the person involved, and helped to heal that particular wound, it was a huge risk. Seriously without overstating – it was therapy without the talking! I healed my adult fear of being a child, of being small and vulnerable in that way
The morning brought an outpouring of emotions (not unexpectedly) and although that felt difficult and troubling the ability to reach out came easier than I expected. Accepting aftercare, rather than just a hug and 'I'm fine' is a learning process. I knew it was important, I dealt with it with as much grace as I could, far a change I gave myself a break.
I somehow felt different, but I didn't know what had changed. I think knowledge had been the change, and an understanding that gradually surfaced. Firstly that my inner child is not me when I was a child, she is different just with some of my adult/child issues put upon her, and secondly that some of my issues are outdated, they are assumed not actual. I know that because a trigger was stumbled upon, and my child space didn't react, it was a big deal for me as an adult to realise that I can let some of that stuff go. Perhaps I can for the first time explore the freedom of childhood experiences
Saturday brought two new munches which was fun, if a little awkward at time. A wonderful day enjoying the glow with Eric, another city, and I felt like a social butterfly.
The blowback from the purity of my age play experience knocked me sideways, and brought some more new to be dealt with – a very adult blowback. Very interesting how infused I was with feminine energy and the pull towards S&M.
It would sound dramatic if I said that I looked at my life because of the experience but actually I just revisited some of what I thought I knew. The addition of an extra play element with someone outside of our three and the communication not being through me made me sit back and be able to see my poly world working.
It was a great chance to take stock of how far my belief in myself and my lifestyle has come. The fact that I have reached a point where I can reach out with very personal stuff and know that I can handle the fallout is another step. Putting my trust back in my instincts again was big for me.
I have had wave upon wave of new experiences and emotional reactions which have rolled and crashed over the last few days and I have enjoyed the challenge of adapting, and learning.
I know that I am a thrill seeker, I love excitement, fear, nervousness, all of the things that get adrenalin and endorphins pumping. The secret smile at my desk where I am 'Mrs responsible'. I also love the journey and I sometimes forget to enjoy the little things. Things like a fizzle on your skin when it's touched lightly, the power of a held stare in a normal setting, not play. The thrill of anticipation, and of course how something inside shifts when you finally understand a little bit more or push a little but further and realise that your limits are not where you thought they were - through stepping into the unknown I have discovered a few times recently that I'm more capable than I know.
I also love and adore how a change, makes you appreciate what you have, I spent two days away, had an amazing time and then felt like somehow the differences made me appreciate my guys that little bit more for their individuality. I think that the contrast of personalities make me value each individual more.
| 3 Oct 11, 12:05 AM DomThoughts UK(ST), 6 yrs  |
What a lovely blog, is good that you feel that you have grown so much, and learnt to see so many of your previous issues in a different light.
I genuinely hope that you continue to enjoy, and grow through your new childhood!! Michael |
| 3 Oct 11, 12:27 AM DKLeather  UK(S), 11 yrs |
Magical. I'm so glad to read this. Thank you lil one xx Leather Family - Me - CMunch |
