This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| 28 Oct 11, 5:03 PM BatteredBruisedWifey UK(SW), 9 mths |
I dont frigggin need kink. I need a decent good Woman to serve & worship & be under her thumb. Her to appreciate me for this and love it. I get tremendous calmness, peacefulness, self belief, self worth, strength. Surely many many "vanilla" relationships are as this.
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| 28 Oct 11, 5:23 PM Kitty_Fantastico UK(OX), 2 yrs   |
I dont need the toys, the furniture, the "play"....what I do need in a relationship though is for the man to allow me to be me. To allow me to make the decisions, to accept my controlling personality, to understand my need to dictate the how, where and when when it comes to sex and intimacy. I need a man who wants to please me, who gets great pleasure from it and sets out to do it and make me happy. At the same time I am only attracted to very masculine men, men who are confident, capable, strong, opinionated, cheeky and know their own mind. I have found that in the vanilla world men who allow me to "be the boss" are often weak and incapable or lazy and are glad to give up the responsability. Both types are the ultimate turn offs. I have only found the mix I need with men who identify as subs. That's why I cant imagine ever going back to vanilla. | |||
| 28 Oct 11, 5:58 PM NightFox UK(CV), 3 yrs |
Struggling with these parts of your contribution to the discussion Kitty. Is there not going to be conflict here ? 'Confident, capable, strong opinionated men' are not always going to be happy letting a woman have it all on her terms...and they are certainly not going to be happy only being offered intimacy only when she feels like it. Where are the compromises ? NF | |||
| 28 Oct 11, 7:17 PM ConsciousnessJunkie UK(N), 5 yrs  |
Believe it or not, there are confident, capable and strong opinionated men who enjoy female-led relationships. It's a crappy stereotype that all macho men like to be the ones making decisions. Submissive men with an air of confidence and slight arrogance are hot, and are all the more fun when they do indeed do your bidding... | |||
| 28 Oct 11, 7:31 PM fibreash UK(EH), 13 mths |
Yes and I shouldn't have. My vanilla partner claimed that I actually said that she wasn't doing it right. I can't remeber actualy saying it but I was thinking it and our sexual relations finished and then our marriage. Going back to her (my vanila wife) turned out to have been a cowardly and greedy act commited in fear of losing my house. I have lost it now anyway and I have also hurt irepairably my poor love. I wrote this poem about the loss: Too late//I realised May 2011 Too late//I realised That you Put the kryptonite In my pockets And through The four years since I saw you It has been your lost love That kept it with me I know now Only as it runs out That the powers it gave me Were not mine but gifts from you I kept And squandered for twenty years Till my cruelty cut me off From you | |||
| 28 Oct 11, 8:34 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Well that's a very sad story.
I don't think people should form relationships without talking about these things. If I as a young virgin could ensure it was talked about before we married I don't see why other people can't. Is it because they are brought up in repressed homes? Is it because they don't have the vocabulary or IQ to discuss things? Is it because they have relationships without communication and cannot even talk about sex with their soon to be spouse? What causes those topics not to be talked about in advance? Why do some people raise important issues before marriage whether that be politics, how children will be brought up, schooling, which parent will work etc etc and others don't?
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| 28 Oct 11, 9:02 PM sub_65 UK(DE), 7 mths |
Vanilla was my "norm" 'till @ 13 years ago. I met a Dom who uncovered the sub inside of me and he opened my eyes to reality. I then embarked on a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. I returned to a vanilla lifestyle but couldn't lie to my then husband and myself so we divorced.
It takes allsorts to make a sweetie bag!
Tomorrow you may wish for today. | |||
| 29 Oct 11, 12:25 AM Kitty_Fantastico UK(OX), 2 yrs |
Yes, thank you @ConsciousnessJunkie that's exactly it. My bear is confident, capable, strong and opinionated - he could easily make decisions and look after himself. The difference is that he chooses to allow me to make the decisions. Which is exactly my point....without that awareness of his submission and wanting to allow a woman to be "the boss" and be my fuck toy....the dynamic wouldnt work. That is why in my experience vanilla men havent suited me. In terms of intimacy - both myself and my bear have an ideally matched sex drive - so he really doesnt miss out. He gets intimacy of all types probably 99.9% of the time he would want it - the difference is a subtle one - but it matters to me. I also do things to make him happy, take him into account and want to make sure he's as fulfilled as anyone in a relationship. The decisions I make are not all ones he hates, I care about him and his needs and therefore chose to do things to fulfil them. Again maybe the difference is a subtle one - but its about me making that decision and sometimes I might compromise on what my ideal wants are - because we're in a bf/gf relationship first.
People really need to get away from the stereotypes that all sub men are pathetic, weak, not masculine and unable to make decisions or look after themselves. Anyone's welcome to come and accuse my bear of that when we're out and see what happens | |||
| 29 Oct 11, 10:12 AM fibreash UK(EH), 13 mths |
Well we talked about it and she did agree to try and I guess that it became clear that she couldn't though that didn't stop us loving each other until the consequences of our burying it from open sight defeated us in the end. Although I felt that sex in our relationship was more importabt to me as the more driven one, she felt she couldn't cuddle me, I guess because of her disapointment and the revulsion I expect she felt imagining bdsm from the outsider's misapprehending viewpoint and what she convinced herself was rejection. My fault expecting her to get it. I shouldn't have let her try. You would put that down to a low IQ? | |||
| 29 Oct 11, 10:14 AM FeralLady 2 yrs |
Amen... ~M.E~ Edited 29 Oct 11, 10:15 AM by FeralLady |
