Leaving a vanilla life for kink - any regrets? (45)

This is all very much at the forefront of my mind today (well, yesterday!) as I should have been celebrating my 8th wedding anniversary and it's the first anniversary since we separated. I've found the lead up to this date really difficult. Friends who have been through a separation/divorce have said that the first anniversary not celebrated can be really hard to cope with but what's made it worse is my reasons for ending my marriage.

I've sat here for weeks wondering how I could possibly have thrown away 10 years simply because I felt a need to explore my submissiveness. It feels so selfish. My marriage wasn't great but we were muddling along. Yet it almost seems that on a whim, I woke up one day and thought I would end it. I tore my children's lives apart just for me and I'm finding that very difficult to deal with at the moment.

So, any regrets anyone? Does it get easier to accept what you've done and why you've done it?

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
It might look like I am always here, but I'm a figment of your imagination really.....

Edited Tue 27 Sep 11, 1:03 AM by twilightsilence

Muddling is often a period of transition although people don't often realize it- they see it retrospectively. Did you tear your children's lives up or did you show them that it's important to take care of yourself by not settling for muddling? There's more than one way to look at this.

SinPar

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

I left a 10 yr marriage to a good person who had tried, unsuccessfully, to come to terms with my D/s desires and self understanding. It was very hard for all sorts of different reasons, and it hasn't always been easy getting to where I am now.

I went through several periods of guilt and self doubt...trying to reconcile my apparent selfishness with a desire to be a good person. Trying to find my real self, (and not the person I thought others wanted), has been very hard, but ultimately worth it.

I know that I am now emotionally better that I have ever been before, and I accept myself to a much greater extent. That has had the benefit that I think I cope better now with the stresses of daily life, (they never stop) and better understand my own needs and the needs of others around me.

Obviously I cannot know your past, or your future path. However, although nothing is certain, I do believe that you have increased your chances for having a fulfilled life by choosing to live an "authentic" life. Your choice will have a cost for you and for those closest to you. However, I also believe that your desire to be true to your self will also prove an inspiration to others.

Keep in mind what impelled you to seek the truth about yourself, and never stop seeking. You owe that to yourself , to those with you now, to those in your past, and to those in your future.

I was tempted to memo my response to you as this is clearly a personal matter for you. However, I too have been in a very similar situation to that which you describe, and I hope that by answering publicly, it may be of benefit to anyone else that ever comes into this situation. I have been open about being kinky for three years, but prior to that I knew I was kinky as long ago as maybe twelve or thirteen years ago, but was afraid to accept that part of me. I was about 17/18 at the time and was not sure if it was a phase I was going through or whether it was normal.

When I was 20 I became involved with someone whom I was convinced was my soul mate even though he wasn't even remotely kinky. As I was in love with him I opted to not "rock the boat" and suppressed these feelings, although I did from an early stage mention my interest in (though no previous experience of) kink. I was with this person for the next nine years of my life, and we very nearly got married- we always agreed mutually that we didn't need a piece of paper or a band of gold to prove to others how we felt.

For the most part of the (almost) nine years we were together, our vanilla relationship was great - though not perfect - but it at times felt like there was something missing that I could not identify but knew of by its absence. There were several factors as to why my relationship with this person broke down, so there was no simple solution (i.e. it is not as cut and dry as he was vanilla and I was kinky therefore incompatible - it was far more complex than that).

A few months prior to breaking up with this person, I tried in as many ways as possible to try and re-ignite the spark that had simply disappeared from our relationship, part of which was trying to spice-up our sex life as it had fizzled out significantly as the relationship drew to a conclusion. Even though we were capable of openly discussing exploring new things, he was appalled by my desire to explore kink, and it became very clear that this was not going to be something I could pursue further with him. By the same token, I could not and still cannot ever consider doing anything that I would consider being unfaithful, so it seemed to me at the time that the only option I could really take that would minimise hurt all round was to end the relationship, but to do it before we got to the phase of arguing and hating each other.

To this day, my nilla ex and I are still best friends: and there have been times when I have asked myself, even three years later, whether I did the right thing to end it. We almost got back together even earlier this year, but we've come to the mutual realisation that if the desires of one of us is in such conflict with the other then we are no longer compatible as a romantic couple. However, having spent a third of my life with this person, I am lucky to say that we parted amicably and agree that ending the relationship has not meant that we had to end the friendship that evolved over those years we had together.

At the time I broke up with this person, the one thing I yearned for was someone dominant in nature, that would complement my desire to submit. This person I was in a relationship with was the diametric opposite of this on a day-to-day basis, i.e. some might say he was submissive in nature in all aspects of life. It's strange how three years on I've not exactly take a 180º turn (i.e. I don't now see myself as exclusively dominant by nature) and it has taken me the best part of a year to realise that I am actually a switch, and am attracted to both sides of D/s. This is slightly drifting away from what you originally asked so I shall try to steer this back to the relevance of your questions.

In short, I guess the answer I can give about did I throw away nine years all for the sake of sexual proclivities ( and the sub-text of that for me at least was, what sort of a basis was this to end or start any relationship on?) was that actually, it wasn't the lack of kink that caused me to end my long-term relationship, but it was a considerable factor. The fact that we had drifted apart over time, the spark had gone, and the fact that we felt more akin to brother and sister (but not in an incestuous sense) was a better, more realistic answer as to why my personal situation ended as it did.

Did I regret ending the relationship? Well at times, yes I have asked myself that. I even blogged about wondering if he was "the one that got away" and very nearly gave up on being kinky and bisexual to go back to him.

However , and this is the big point I'm trying to get to...

If the relationship was meant to be, then why did it feel right to end it? Why did things not work out in the first place?

@twilightsilence , your circumstances for breaking up with your former vanilla partner may be very different to mine (or maybe not so, seeing as what you have written rings so true to what I recall going through).

Anniversaries were initially a killer for me to come to terms with. I still on occasion do get sad when what would have been my anniversary comes around. However, I'm in a fortunate position to see that I still have a great friend, and that friendship will never die, even though the romantic love between us did. You haven't indicated whether your break-up was amicable, but if it was, then maybe you can take some comfort in that?

Had I not broken up with my nilla ex, I strongly believe we would not be friends today as it was becoming destructive towards the end of our relationship together. I would not have had the courage to have met new people within the kink community, and I would not have been fortunate enough to have gone on the amazing (though at times very difficult) journey that I have been on since accepting that I am inclined this way. (Sorry if that sounds cheesy and cliche-ridden - I can't articulate it without sounding like a cliche).

Because I ended things before the friendship ended, it is easy to get caught up in nostalgia, but I certainly believe in my case this was for the best. I have no regrets as I ended my relationship with my nilla ex in as gentle, honest and respectful a way as I could. It would have been very easy (physically) to kid myself that going to clubs and playing even if only on a platonic level with other kinky people was not being unfaithful so long as I wasn't sexually involved with them; the crux of it was that I know it would have hurt my ex just as much as it was something he could neither accept nor understand, so effectively it would have been cheating on him emotionally at least - especially if I were to do it in secret.

In summary (seeing as this is turning into an epic tome, for which I apologise): only you can decide if you will ever regret moving on from that relationship - though I think that from what you've described you made the right decision. The pain will ease over time - as will the coming and going of anniversaries. Most important of all, you are not a bad person for ending a relationship nor are you selfish: surely it is better to have done the honorable thing which you did, than to have continued in a relationship that was not fulfilling?

I wish you all the best with coming to terms with this, and it may take a while to be comfortable in your skin about it. There are plenty of us both on IC and in the big wide world that have been in similar predicaments.

I want to hold you close / Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes, girl / So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close / Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear / I want to f*cking tear you apart

I think you'd feel worse if it was a great marriage that you'd left. "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" - Soren Kirkegaard.

You left because you were unhappy staying. Would providing stability for your children have justified you continuing unhappily ? It may not be an easy question to answer.

My kink was a significant factor in my break - up with "mother of my children" ex, but by no means the only one. The relationship was deeply unhappy when it ended and despite my ex having now a very wealthy boyfriend and all the luxuries of life that her avaricious heart desired she is now selfish, vindictive, and becoming more mentally unstable. Sometimes you just wish that you'd got out earlier.

All relationships are different. And "einmal ist keinmal" - once is never. You never can tell whether you made the right decision because you never get the chance to undo it and go back and make a different one.

The reason you left was a legitimate one, and probably the type of reason that would certainly make the "Family Fortunes" most popular answers for "Why do women leave their husbands" - they're unhappy. I'm not going to discourage you from feeling sadness and regret - if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel. But the decision has been made, the dice thrown, the river crossed. In the end you have to just carry on and make the future decisions the best you can.

And finally - hugs. I think you need them. The odds are that in a year's time things will look better.

S.x.

im glad im not alone...ive left my vanilla life i wasnt married but have lost family and friends because of it.i too feel very selfish,but i had to do it.sometimes wish i hadnt got into it so deep tho. the question you need to ask yourself is this...are you happier now than what you were,do you feel more yourself? somedays i wish i had never got involved in this lifestyle,but its who i am and people have just got to accept it...

jess xx

I'm happier now than I have ever been. I know who I am, I accept myself like never before and I am very much in love with my Mistress, lover and best friend.

I look around and see people in dead relationships. I didn't want that. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard, but it is right.

I now look forward to the future with my soulmate.

Edited 27 Sep 11, 7:30 AM by poolhead

I had to be true to myself, have always had a kinky side and I suddenly found that not only could I find other people like me but that I would find the attention and adoration I longed for.

Finally it ended when I found my current partner who welcomed my perversion and lack of traditional sexual morality and saw that I was just being me. Not to say it's always easy and it's not but I am through the worst, my children are very happy and secure, my ex husband and I remain friends and my partner knows what he's dealing with!

Be kind to yourself, be brave and I think you are and remember to enjoy the process because that's what lifes all about x

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them ~Elbert Hubbard Os stulti contritio eius

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
It might look like I am always here, but I'm a figment of your imagination really.....

@tied_n_tested I particularly related to your reply on many levels. I posted this last night for the same reason you chose not to memo. If other people are wavering in their decisions, perhaps reading stuff like this post can help in some way.

What struck me most though was the friendship you have with your ex. This is exactly the same for me and my (ex) husband. He is still my best friend and it makes it so much more difficult to reconcile what I have done. For the first few months, we talked about me "getting this out of my system" and trying to reconcile but both eventually realised that this wasn't simply a nutty phase I was going through.

I have gone over and over in my mind why I couldn't just suck it up for the sake of the children and stay with him. I do know it was right for me to leave, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept what I have done.

I am grateful to you all for sharing your experiences

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
It might look like I am always here, but I'm a figment of your imagination really.....

However, due to my upbringing and profession I felt a deep sense of shame and kept my true self very much hidden. Over a period of many years, my life was very compartmentalised: conventional vanilla and several relationships including marriage; and my carefully hidden, darker side. I would occasionally venture into the latter with casual and short-term play partners, then return to my "normal" banal existence with whomever was my partner at the time.

In the early stages, I actually believed - or perhaps hoped (?) - this other side was merely a phase which I would eventually grow out of.

I never did.

On the contrary, with time and experience these dark desires simply increased; and so too my ventures in this dark and alluringly sensual world. As these needs intensified and inexorably grew; my mindset and self-perception were challenged.

Until the paradigm shift I had over three years ago, I viewed these two compartments of my life as mutually exclusive - black and white. On one level, I wanted a loving, caring, and committed relationship and had actually believed this was only possible in a vanilla context. In my view, any successful relationship must be based on trust and honesty. I came to realise that by not sharing my real desires and passions, this is in itself dishonest. (Not to mention secretly sating my needs with others!) I became increasingly unhappy with my lack of candour and courage in facing up to this for fear of being thought of a wierd or perverted. Hitherto, I believed it was not possible to combine both these compartments with one person and despaired at the thought of this, and felt doomed to leading a double-life.

Several months of soul searching and play assignations (and the ensuing guilt) made me - and my then wife - completely miserable. Possibly more so for her, as she had absolutely no idea of what was going through my mind which merely compounded the guilt I felt.

Something had to give. I finally decided to leave my very unhappy marriage and - in effect - come out, go it alone and explore. I joined IC, and slowly started to get out and meet other like-minded people intitially at munches, then clubs. I also had the extreme good fortune to meet a wonderful submissive lady, with whom I shared my first proper D/s relationship last year. My experience with her; and meeting and coming to know some incredible people on IC and within the scene really helped my come to accept who, and what, I am. For the probably the first time in my life, I am completely comfortable in my own skin.

I have no regrets - as the old quote goes: "to thine own self be true", and you wish you every happiness on your voyage of self discovery. Life, after all, is not a dress rehearsal.

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength" St Francis de Sales

Edited 27 Sep 11, 9:50 AM by Outlier